So, you’ve finally managed to bag a date with that hot girl from accounts. Grr, you tiger! You want to show her that you’re a true gent, but with a bit of an edge – no-one likes a sap. But what about the awkward meet and greet kiss on the cheek? How many kisses is it these days? You don’t want to accidentally headbutt her by going for the wrong number! Tip: if British, go for the quick one and out. If foreign, count the number of syllables in her country’s name and replicate that with the number of kisses on her cheeks. Holland? Two. Italy? Three. Easy! Avoid going on a date with a girl from the Democratic Republic of Congo. She will feel like she’s on a date with Woody Woodpecker.

If she is foreign, don’t feign interest in her, pretending that you know what she’s talking about, to try and impress her. If she says she’s from Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, don’t ask her how many girls she sung with in the Grenadines and how many hit singles they had. Continue reading →

At long last! That handsome bloke that you’ve had you eye on has finally asked you out. How many more hints could he have possibly missed?! So, you go straight home from work to ‘prepare’ for that ‘Tricky First Date’. You want to make this work as you deserve it. You think you stand out from the competition. Why? Two words… de-sire.

But what to wear? Hmm, better empty the entire contents of your wardrobe and try everything on, just in case something looks different on you now to how it did the last time you wore it. You never know; it’s been a while since you popped down the gym. Whilst you’re at it, why not open a bottle of wine to relax you… Leggings? Comfortable but too casual. That slinky black mini-dress? Maybe for the second date. Just go for those tight jeans and top that you bought from Primark. He’ll never know that you only paid £1.99 for it as it looks good quality – Indian children’s hands are so adept at sowing. Continue reading →

1. You totally suck at finding the right girl, so out of desperation you’ve decided to give speed dating a try as you’ve grown tired of your left hand and you can’t ‘re-connect’ with your right hand – never go back! It could never be as good as it used to be… But you’re not stupid, you know that girls look for a confident man, so your most important task is to drink enough to make you feel cool, calm and assured. Hell, why not down a couple of whiskey chasers before you start? Don’t worry, the smell of alcohol will merge with your aftershave to create a heady aroma that no woman can refuse.

2. Once proceedings get underway, ensure that you lie about your job. This will make you seem more interesting and you’ve had enough to drink now, so you can blag it if she asks any awkward technical questions. But, to be safe, research how long it takes to become an fighter pilot before you go. Continue reading →