Despite my recently re-published favourite ‘dating disasters’ posts, I recently got married. I had a good reception to my wedding speech, so I thought I’d adapt it slightly and publish it here…
For those of you who don’t know, I’d like to take a few minutes to give you the story of how Krystal and I met.
We’d both been to a gig at Brixton Academy, Krystal on her own as she had recently arrived in the motherland, and I went with some friends including Gemma who was on crutches due to having played chicken with a car.
After the gig, we went to the nearest bar, known as Plan B. For anyone who isn’t aware of Plan B, let’s just say, it’s very rarely anyone’s Plan A! Continue reading →
The school loner – You think you remember the guy. He was really unpopular at school. Didn’t he once wet himself in class… when he was 16. And didn’t you once twist his nipple for shits and giggles? Oh well, most people blossom when they leave school and grow up, so you may as well accept him [click]. Hmm, but what if he’s a sadomasochistic nipple freak now? He could be looking for more of the same playground action now, as an adult! Oh God, better keep a close watch on this one… weirdo.
The ‘babe’ – wow, that Russian girl that sent you a friend request is hot! Yet where did you meet? And why do you share no mutual friends… Hell, she has over 500 friends, all male, so she’s obviously a friendly girl. You never know, she might be up for a little naked troika dancing, nudge nudge. [Accept request] Hmm, damn computer is working slowly tonight. Wonder why she has so many Nigerian friends too… Must remember to ‘poke’ her, that’s a winner. Continue reading →
Porsche found Easyjet’s economy seats tended to stiffen her up
Some time ago, I was working for a sales team that promoted businesses through privilege cards; schemes that allowed users special discounts on services. One of our best campaigns was for several bars and a strip club in Bournemouth. There were numerous 2 for 1 drink vouchers and free entry to the strip club. Needless to say, several of these cards were claimed by team members for their own personal use via the unofficial staff five-finger discount scheme. Consequently, after work drinks inevitably involved unlimited half price drinks followed by the company of ‘exotic’ dancers.
I hate strip clubs, but if there is free entry then I can be persuaded to follow the crowd. Continue reading →
I was just about ready to go to work, so I leant over the bed to give my girlfriend a goodbye kiss. “GRRR!” she growled in a high-pitched, insane angry cat tone, as she turned her face away from me, causing my lips to slither, snail-like across her cheek. Not the kind of kiss I was expecting, I said out of the corner of my mouth. I quickly scanned the previous day’s memories in an attempt to ascertain what heinous crime I had committed.
No results found
Okay then, you win. What’s wrong? “You woke me up by talking in your sleep.” Is that all? “You shouted: ‘QUICK, PUT THE PHONE DOWN, HE’S COMING!’ It gave me a fright and I couldn’t go back to sleep.” Oh… that’s weird.
Having been suitably admonished for my unconscious misdemeanour, I trudged off to work. Well, I actually jogged, but ‘trudged’ is more apt description of my running style. A passing colleague once told me that I “looked terrible”. Enough said. And thanks for that. Continue reading →
As I near the end of my month-long abstinence from the demon drink, I thought that I should update you on my progress. It’s true to say that a small amount of alcohol has passed my lips. Just two pints and two rum and cokes in 28 days. So, technically speaking, I guess you could say that I have failed. But have I really?
It was on day 21 that I was invited for a drink with a couple of friends. I fully intended to avoid drinking. But then, on the day, I had a change of heart. It was a Saturday, after all. That day is designed for drinking.
I started to analyse why I was yearning to break my self-imposed exile from Booze City. Was I weak? Could I not enjoy a night out without alcohol? But then I realised that the whole point of taking a break from drink, was to cut out unnecessary drinking and to (re)learn more healthy drinking habits. Continue reading →
The stranger got to the door first and flung it open wide, rather theatrically beckoning the other person through: “After you.” How chivalrous, you may think. What a gentleman.
Except that, in this case, it was I who was being shown through the entrance by a young woman. For a split second I hesitated. This had never happened to me before. Normally, I was the one opening doors for other people. And I had never seen a woman being so courteous to a young(ish) man.
Was it a trick? If I took one step through the doorway, would she tut at me in disgust? Was I supposed to insist that she should go first? The trouble with being a modern man is that we never quite know what we should do, for fear of offending someone. Quite often we simply choose the easiest option… Which is to do nothing at all and feign a lack of attention. Continue reading →
I’ve finally decided that I’ve had enough of the booze. Not permanently though. Hell no! But I just feel that I should really push myself and aim to go for a full month of abstinence. I have done this before, but that was during my studies, so it wasn’t a real test. I barely went out!
Also, I didn’t have a girlfriend then. This time I do, so she will undoubtedly want to have the odd tipple. I will be the killjoy. And, let’s face it, it’s no fun drinking on your own and facing judgemental looks from your partner.
It’s time to listen to my body. I’ve forgotten how to moderate my drinking since I moved to London. The variety of options and expendable income make the demon drink just too tempting. Since I’ve grown older my hangovers have got worse, to the point where I commonly receive a visit from my old nemesis Captain Chunder the ‘morning after’. And he’s a real bastard. Continue reading →