Ever wondered how long it would take for an internet dating scammer to get to the the request for money, and how they would fashion a believable story? I have. So after one such email made it through our ‘tough’ security at work and straight into my inbox [!], I assumed the identity of a reserved English Duke to find out. Some emails are edited as they were longer than a snake on a bungee jump.
Howdy, i am Natalya and i want to talk with you! I found your e-mail thru a dating site so i thought, why don’t i give it a try 😉 I want to to find a good buddy, a man, maybe a lover.
yep, i used to talk about love and erotic themes straightly and i don’t like any hidden catches, so if you don’t mind we could use a chance to chat a little and share a couple of photos with each other, maybe some hot photos also?! 😉
So, if you are even just a little curious, please mail me to my e-mail: email@example.com
I hope you find my proposal interesting and you’ll reply soon!
Lots of sweet kisses,
It was with a flutter of my heart strings that I read thy electronic mail from you dearest Natalya. I am so very grateful that a dating website broke strict privacy laws to enable you to contact me forthwith.
As a man of good breeding stock, I have all that a lady could ever desire, yet alas, I have no special lady to beseech small favours in life. And by that I can assure you dearest Natlaya, that I only have fullsome favours of which to ask of thy fair hand.
But who knows, perhaps with the gift of time will come the day when I ask your father for permission to take thee as thy wife.
I can assure you that I am as straight as a cricket bat finely chiselled from a freshly chopped willow tree. I would never seek to snare you under false pretences. I am fully aroused with interest in your curious proposal and await your reply with baited breath.
I am so glad, that you have answered my little letter. I ask you to read it very attentively, it is important for me to know your opinion about what I wrote.
Before the beginning of our conversation i want to tell you at once, that i get my money for a living by working a striptease dancer [really?!]. And im not thinking that it’s something shameful to do [of course it isn’t]. If it contradicts with your morality or ethical principles and your thinking, before our dialogue will go further, you can save your and my time and stop reading this letter.
I am very legible in people [huh?]. But in your case, i fell that something woke up in me. I can’t specify it. Simply i liked you, maybe it’s something about a subconscious level.
I want to hear your voice and to be convinced that you are real existing man. Write me your telephone number so i can call you. I’d like to hear your voice very much, but now I have no own phone, it is broken. But as soon as I buy new one I’ll call you at once. It’ll not take too long.
There is something more i must tell you, if it’s only my intimate photos you are interested in and not in my person – it is better for us all to stop our communications.
Also, im asking you to comment general thoughts in my letter, what you think about all that? It is very important for me.
Do not forget me, write as soon as possible.
Best regards to you!!!!!
Good morning dear Natalya
It is with the utmost sincerity that I feel compelled to inform you tenderly that my heart skipped a beat when I saw your electronic mail. Initially, I feared that the strain of reading your lenghty tome was causing fatal heart palpitations, but I battled through and, once again, the good old British stiff upper lip was enough for me to regain my composure.
You will see from my photograph that I wear a monocle to assist with my sight in one eye. Useful and also the height of fashion in my circles. But please keep your emails short so that I can avoid avoid eye strain [the last email was edited from 1,014 words!].
I am neither frightened, nor ashamed of your occupation. I cannot understand how men would think sinful thoughts about you, just because you send messages randomly, tell people that you are a striptease dancer and attach revealing photographs. The common man is so judgemental! I am cut from finer cloth, so I will not judge you dear Natalya.
I regetfully have to deny your request for my telephone number. On my estate we have no mobile phone signal and the telecommunications company refuse to lay the 15 miles of cable it would take to connect us to the nearest main highway.
Since the fire, mother is keeping a tight grip on funds, as we have to rebuild the west wing due to fire damage which caused carnage to essentailthe orangery, pigeon loft and servants’ quarters. But do not worry, we have temporarily housed the servants in the stables. They are a hardy bunch and the horses don’t seem to mind.
I await your next message with baited breath my dear Natalya.
Hi my friend Duke!
Can i call you my friend?
I was pleased to get a letter from you, and I’m glad that you want our dialogue to be continued.
I am glad that you do not condemn me working as a striptease dancer. Striptease Dances and striptease – are absolutely different things [yeah, like chalk and cheese]. I’m not ashamed of what i do. It makes me feel cool when someone find my body sexy and have a hardon [whoa!] cause of my curves.)))) It flatters my vanity. I am a one-man woman, there is no one at the entire world except the man i love.
Well, now more about myself. I am 25 years old, actually everything regarding my look you can see in photos i sent . I’m an orphan and have no relatives. From infancy i grew in a shelter. It were very difficult years for me. Recalling my live in a shelter makes me feel horrified Poverty, famine, constant insults. It’s hurt for me to keep this memories in mind and we shall not speak about that anymore [of course not – I understand]. Well, maybe later, when we become more familiar to each other [well make up your mind!].
I’ll graduate from my university in the next year and now the time is come for final practice that should be carried out in your country where i must arrive to in the nearest future. All documents are set and ready and i already bought a ticket. I need to be in your capital in 2 weeks, but still i don’t know where exactly should i go after i reach it.
I like swimming very much! Swimming is the best way to get all of your muscles being toned. Do you like to swim? Swimming is cool as long as someone don’t start to make a bubbles trying to convert pool to Jacuzzi)))) I’m joking!)) [yeah, like I’m ROFL]
I hope this letter will find you in excellent mood and i hope to receive the answer from you very soon!
Your Natalya. Your SEXY BABY
p.s. hilarious picture )))
Good afternoon my dearest Natalya
I trembled when I saw your electronic mail in my post box. What hath I done to deserve such affection from your bosom? But I feel compelled to ask why you wish to rush the romance that is betwixt us?
You speak of nudity, sexy dancing and stirring of the loins. Yet I wish to take time with our deeds before we yield to our passions. I could speak of my physical qualities, but modesty forbids.
I am sorry to learn of your family history. I live with my mother on our estate, a 16th century erection, that includes a working staff of 180 servants (men, women and horses). Mother thinks it high time for me to find a lady and she is only to willing to pay the necessary dowry.
You love to swim as you say, yet I don’t swim. Not since the accident in our boating lake. Who would have thought that swans could have such murderous intent?
As for other sports, I partake in polo, hunting and other manly pursuits. I don’t wish to brag, but I am a particularly dab hand at peasant baiting. Even though some of the young ones can nearly outrun my finest stallion!
I see that you misunderstood my request for a shorter electronic mail. This one was longer and a strain for my good eye to read. I had to ask mother to read it aloud. At the mention of a hardon she choked on her scone and I had to instruct the servants to apply the Heimlich Maneuver; a hazardous activity for an 83 year old lady to endure.
I do not understand why you viewed my photograph with such hilarity. It is one of my best likenesses.
But anyway, I look forward to our next correspondence.
Hi my dear Duke!!!!!
I’m glad to receive a letter from you, it makes me fell up! [better than falling down I guess]
I live in Russia but my nationality is not Russian.. I began from it is far, so you can have a clear view of the picture. My nationality called Mari or Maris, Im not sure if i spelled it correctly in English language. Russians calls us Cheremis or Cheremsha or Cherepa. But we call ourselves Mari. Ours nationality isn’t numerous, its approximately about 600 thousand persons and all are scattered on different regions of Russia and other countries.
Im about to receive the grant from their funds! Under this program, I already got helped. When I’ll arrive to your country i’ll be given 12 000 Euro for my needs and living.
I want to continue our dialogue and hope it will be more than a friendship after all?)
I’m waiting for your letter.
My dearest Natalya
Please accept my sincerest apologies for the delay in responding to you. I have been away with mother on a haberdashery and basket weaving weekend. Those crazy cats had us up supping gin and tonics ’til the hour of 10, most nights.
I can assure you Natalya that I have the utmost interest in your heritage. I find the Maori culture to be fascinating. The only thing that would trouble me would be if you had the tattoos on your face, like so many of your kin, but I can see from your photographs that you do not, thank heavens!
Tell me more about your planned travels. When will you depart for foreign shores?
Your devoted Duke Marmaduke
So, where will this ‘relationship’ lead? What is Natalya’s motivation? How many more weird positions can she pose in? Read part 2 here.
funniest thing I’ve read for some time 🙂
Thanks for your comment. Glad you liked it.
You certainly have luck with the ladies…lol. Looking forward to reading part 2 🙂
That’s because I’m one in a million. By that I mean, I’m the only one that replies to them.
So funny. But lucky you getting free cheeky pics! Can’t wait for Part II
And they were only the ones that I could publish. There were a couple that were a little bit too… naked.
lol dude your sad look how much effort you put into the grammar hahahhahahaha
More attention than you pay to grammar, quite obviously. I think you meant “you’re sad”. The grammar I used was supposed to add to the comic effect, and it really didn’t take much effort, so I’m not sure what your point is. Do you think I actually write in that style normally? The joke’s on you…
I have been these same exact letters in my email. I alway figure if i waste the scammers time (even a little bit of time) it means they will not be out scamming someone else. I love the reply letters they are hilarious, and if you don’t mind i may try to use them……..i can’t read them without beakingout laughing.
Feel free to use them or borrow an alter ego! These scammers need to be wound up!