1. You’ve finally decided to give speed dating a try, but don’t whatever you do attend an event on your own. That’s far too scary even though you’re an adult. It makes much more sense to invite as many friends as possible to increase the competition that you will have for the attentions of the few nice men that will be there. In fact why not invite some of your attached friends? Men love competing for unavailable women, thereby wasting an opportunity with the available ones. But at least it’ll be fun, right?
2. Your most important goal is to ascertain how good a job your dates have. This is an essential question to ask. There’s no point in being attracted to a man and enjoying his company if he won’t be able to provide for you and your future children together. Of course, you don’t want to get ahead of yourself, but it’s always good to plan for the best possible outcome. But you’re not interested in anyone working in the banking industry. You’re not shallow. Any date who works for charity or with underprivileged children are to be viewed as sweet and ticked as ‘friend’. If he’s a dancer by profession, you must secretly assume that he must have a big secret or he’s arrived on the wrong night.
3. The next most important task is to ask how many times your dates have ‘done this sort of thing before’. Hell, you don’t want to be associated with some freak who does this sort of thing all the time. Once is okay though – you’re not a hypocrite. You must feel pity for any man that you catch out as having done this before. What, he hasn’t got a girlfriend from the first time? He must be a sad loser and no-one wants another girl’s reject.
4. Find out where he lives. Sure, he may be the man of your dreams, but what is he doesn’t live near a tube station? And remember that the Northern Line has part closures at weekends at the moment.
5. Don’t forget to ask him if he’s into any sports. Your ideal man would play rugby as that’s played by real men. Only real men can light their own farts and grab another man’s testicles in a scrum. If he’s into football be wary – you’ve seen what happened to that hobbit bloke in Green Street.
6. Why not prepare a set of suitability questions prior to the event? But remember them in your head, you’re not sad enough to write them down, that’s completely different. This will enable you to refrain from getting along too well with your dates and being lost in the conversation when the bell rings and he has to move on. Attempt to bring any deviation from the plan back into line. You don’t want to chat naturally in such a limited timeframe. What about his job?
7. After the speed dating, let your hair down with your girlfriends. Stand in a group huddle and never let the conversation lull to make yourselves seem unapproachable. Alternate breathing patterns with your friends so that you can keep the chat flowing freely. You don’t want any breaks to invite unwanted dialogue with one of the men. What if it’s the dancer or that Millwall fan from the East End. With that cockney accent it would never work.
8. Ensure that you stay for no more than 10 minutes in the post-dating drinks session. You want to be seen as sociable, but, hell, you’ve got places to be! You don’t want to spend time with saddos that go speed dating – what sort of people do that?