Dating Royalty Is No Fun

Were you aware that the United States had royalty, now living in London? And did you know that Lithuania had a royal family that bestowed upon us unsuspecting Londoners a fair princess? No, neither did I until I dated such royalty. It all started when I arranged a date via Match.com to meet what seemed to be an attractive and amiable American girl who seemed genuinely interested in me.

I nearly didn’t make it as I was hungover from the night before and I was worried that I may have to introduce her unexpectedly to my friend, Captain Chunder. And no-one would want to see that. But I manage to perk up a little and made it on time to be met with a girl; American – yes, but who looked absolutely nothing like any of her pictures. I couldn’t help but squint at her, wondering if I had been the victim of a stitch up. So then she thought I looked shifty and asked if I was okay. I told her that my hangover may cause me to be slightly less lucid than normal, expecting her to laugh it off – we’ve all been there, right? Well clearly not this girl, as my admission went down about as well as if I had told her that I may be a bit stoned as I’d just lit up a crack pipe. I quickly tried to move the conversation on a little, but mainly was forced to listen to her telling me what her rich friends were up to. A couple she knows own a Mediterranean island, don’t you know, possibly Malta or something.

I tried to feign interest, honestly I did. At one point I’ve even clapped… No, actually I think that was just when I slapped my face to stay awake. And then she hit me with it: “I found your profile to be very funny but, I have to say, you’re not impressing me with your sense of humour”. She was actually giving me in-date feedback! What did she expect me to do, prepare a short comedy sketch for her? I was dumbstruck by her rudeness. In her mind she is such a catch to men that she expects to be the centre of attention, feels there is no need to take interest in others and would probably be happy if I threw my jacket over a puddle to save her little princess feet from a splash. She probably had her servant dismissed for placing a pea under her mattress, thus making it too uncomfortable for her… I could maybe have understood slightly if she looked like a supermodel but let’s just say I wouldn’t touch her with yours.

More recently I met a Lithuanian girl who seemed a little quiet. In fact, to begin with I wasn’t sure if she was mute and possibly communicating just by blinking, but I thought she looks good in tight jeans and we could probably make do with pointing. It turns out that she was the stereotypical soviet-style ice princess. If she didn’t find something amusing, she found no reason to do anything other than stare blankly, with no flicker of emotion. I tried to impress her with my wit, but it’s hard to maintain a one-sided conversation, with my comments followed by more blinking.

Another problem with a princess is that, naturally, she won’t carry money with her, as a princess will have things given to her just for the privilege of her presence. Either that or she had short arms and long pockets. It had to end once I was considering remortgaging the house to pay for a special royal cocktail and I’d lost in a blink-off with her, to see who would crack and talk first. Don’t get me wrong, I love treating a special girl who respects me for who I am and doesn’t expect royal treatment, but I don’t do high maintenance, so ‘daddy’s little princess’ can look elsewhere. I’d rather spend a quiet evening in with Handolina than bust a gland trying to impress you! Sexual equality works both ways you know your majesty.

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20 thoughts on “Dating Royalty Is No Fun

  1. Stewie, I’ve given the online thing a go in Sydney too. Things aren’t much better on this side of the globe. Just a bunch of guys who wanted to put their penises inside me. And I’m not trying to toot my own horn – I’m pretty sure they’d want to stick their penises in most beings with a heartbeat. Plus, they all seem to lie about their height. Do they assume I won’t instantly notice that they’re actually the size of a hobbit when we meet up in person?

    • Nice literal description Dawn Dash! I’ve heard that short men lie about their height. I’m 6’4 so I don’t have the need. Doesn’t seem to be enough to attract nice women! If I could toot my own horn I’d never leave the house 🙂

    • I like your style Dawn. Have you checked out HappySlut’s blog? She’s not as harsh as the name suggests. She has left a comment on this post, so check her out. I’m sure you would get on…

  2. You are clearly unable to control your shallow side, pychology he says “pppppfh” then you would know that you are Intentionally attracting these women. You pursued them on the basis of looks, and don’t you dare say you didn’t (hahaha) I said DON”T

    Now, you know that it is rare that you will find a woman who will connect with your sense of humor, be really attractive and be able to hold up a conversation on her own merit. So lower the bar, I mean really. Oh sure you are cute, yea you are funny, you are British, probably have a nice dialect etc….

    Wait for it…..

    I can almost hear your argument, and,

    I said DON”T

    Stop interupting or I will never finish….

    • My only standard now is slim and half-decent looking. I think that London girls are the ones with the overly high standards.

  3. You gotta watch our for American girls. We all think we’re princesses.
    To be clear, two different girls didn’t find you all that funny and you think it’s their problem, not yours? Hmmm, maybe you were just having an off-night. I’m with Team Oyeniyi–so glad I’m married!

    • It wasn’t about them not finding me funny, it was their one sided expectations of roles in relationships!

    • I must say that the Soviet-style ice princess stereotype is fairly accurate. It’s some kind of emotional high maintenance that ppl have here – esp women, but I have observed that w some men too. In America people will at least crack a smile or fake-laugh out of politeness, bc early dates are stressful for everyone. But here it’s like – amuse me! Impress me! But in the right way! And I’ll never tell you if it’s the right way!

  4. I think you have a great sense of humor, and I’m a sucker for a British accent. However, like some of the others, I too am glad I’m married 😛 Good luck on your girl search.

  5. HILARIOUS post.
    I must say, I did Match quite a bit when in NYC and working like a maniac, and had a pretty great time with it. Over the course of several years – two boyfriends (incl my biggest love to date tho w/o a happy ending, sniff) (the other one, 7 years later, is one of my best friends and even helped me put together my blog) and a steady lover. Tons and tons of dates. Of course, most times there was no big click or spark, thus no 2nds, but overall – very quality material. Of several dozen dates maybe only 2-3 that were actually bad/something to bitch about.

    I must say tho, I probably would have rescheduled a date if I had been hungover. You sort of want to be at your best – and if you’re not feeling well, it’s hard to be into it, and it’s hard for a person to be into you. In the immortal words of Van Wilder, first dates are interviews, and you wouldnt show up to one – or expect to get a job – hungover.

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