So… do you work out?
1. Men with inappropriately baggy shorts who always seem to stretch in front of me. I don’t show you my plums, so don’t show me yours.
2. Men and women with inappropriately tight outfits. You’re doing the right thing by working out to shed some pounds. But why do you feel the need to squeeze everything into a body-hugging latex monstrosity? You look like a badly stuffed salami. And why do you appear to have two arses? That’s just wrong.
3. Men who feel the need to spot for their friend who is on a fixed weight machine and therefore, does NOT need such assistance. Drop the weight down a little! Continue reading
So that’s what cabbies mean when they say
they don’t want to go ‘south’ of the river
My twice-weekly trip to university includes a short walk across London Bridge for a connecting train, which allows me the chance to take in the sights. The nearby historic Tower Bridge, the modern skyscrapers of the City of London…. homeless beggars, traffic congestion and a strange little Asian man who hands out free newspapers with a persistent inane grin. Just what the hell has he got to be so happy about?
Nothing really changes. Except one day this week, when a rather large black man obstructed my path, looked me square in the eye, and shouted “REPENT!” Well now, did he see me pretend not to notice the charity collectors outside the station? Surely not.
“HELL IS REAL!” Yes, I know that. I’ve been to Delhi. “HEAVEN IS REAL. TIME IS RUNNING OUT!” Yes, I’m aware of the famous gay nightclub, but I’m not interested in any promotion big boy. I’m sorry but I don’t bat for that team.
“JEEESUS IS WATCHING YOU!” Oh, I get you. You’re not Apostle Jack are you? Continue reading
Yes, that lingerie would fit you perfectly
Ever looked at goods or services online but decided not to buy at that moment in time? Of course you have. Perhaps you thought that you would like more time to consider your options or check your finances. Maybe you just didn’t like the products available. But wasn’t it strange that when you checked the latest news stories, it just so happened that the very same retailer was advertising on that site? What a coincidence.
The following day, you check out the online weather forecast and the latest sports results. And the same ad is on those sites too! Wow, that company must be really doing well, they have so much money to invest in blanket advertising campaigns, mustn’t they?
Well, no, they probably don’t. What you have experienced is known as ‘behavioural re-targeting’. As you have shown some initial interest in brands by visiting their websites, they know that it takes, on average, seven contacts with a customer before a purchase is made, and believe that it’s perfectly reasonable to follow you around the internet, serving their ads multiple times in a rampant display of overkill, designed to encourage purchases by napalm advertising. Continue reading
Those of you who use the retailer Amazon (and that’s probably most of you), may have noticed the fairly recent trend of the friendly multi-national giant helpfully suggesting alternative products for us to buy. Because they care. Such a helpful bunch.
For example, Amazon recommends Dexter on blu-ray because you purchased Six Feet Under. Makes perfect sense as those two series have similar dark humour and plot lines. Or Amazon recommends this ball bearing gun because you purchased the book ‘How best to kill squirrels in a slow and painful manner.’ Didn’t happen, but you get the gist.
But you can surely imagine my surprise when I received the following unexplained suggestion:
Here’s an idea for an unwanted Christmas present for that hard to buy for relative… that you don’t like very much.
This week we had a revelation. The UK’s crappest town 2013 was announced… as LONDON. Yes, that’s right, one of the world’s great super-cities, a hub for finance, fashion, the arts, sport and jellied eels was voted for as being the worst part of the UK to live in. Clearly, by village idiots.
Now there are a number of things obviously wrong with this award. Firstly, it is quite apparent to anyone with a rudimentary grasp of geography, that London is a huge, sprawling metropolis. It is not really a town, as such. If you don’t like one part of London, then you really only need to cross a road or two to find a borough more to your liking.
Similarly, the morons who voted for this award also didn’t seem to comprehend that Gibraltar is not actually part of the UK, as it also made the top six. Presumably, they must have travelled there for it to have met with their disapproval, so how the hell did they not realise that they flew over France and Spain before landing?
“I just don’t have enough natural padding.”
A recent weekend saw evidence of the Olympic legacy, when over 50,000 cyclists took to the closed-off roads to haphazardly weave their way around an 8 mile circuit in central London. All ages and abilities were present, from kamikaze youngsters seemingly oblivious to the dangers of suddenly veering off in unpredictable directions, to pensioners, seemingly oblivious to the effect that their choice of tight-fitting clothing had on the sensibilities of the following cyclists.
And it wasn’t just the elderly who made poor fashion choices. Several overweight cyclists also felt the need to attempt to stuff their frames into brightly coloured lycra. They looked like radioactive badly stuffed sausages. The bottleneck at The Mall presented everyone with an unwanted opportunity for lingering views of the offending outfits. So why do they do it? Continue reading
A picture paints a thousand words, apparently. So just look at these classic profiles on the business network LinkedIn.com and wonder how it is that these people thought that it could ever be a good idea to portray themselves to potential business contacts in such unusual ways, leaving you ultimately lost for words to express your feelings.
Step forward Mr Scott, the self-proclaimed ‘Founder Potential’, whatever that means. His role ‘is to advise, laugh, argue with people’. His first job was being Mickey Mouse for Walt Disney. Who are we to disagree? FAIL!