Quotes

Remember, you’re there for a reason – Mr Right… Or possibly Mr Right Now. Or, come the end of the night, Mr Will Have To Do, I Have Needs You Know.
A sensible guide to singles parties. Or not[View full article]

On our way to Chiang Rai we stopped at hot springs (despite Thailand having no volcanoes). It was here that I saw a cute little monkey riding a dog.
Encountering the local wildlife in northern Thailand on my Around The World Trip
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I tried to make my profile stand out from the norm, stating that my interests were football, pulling funny faces in the gym, badger baiting, dwarf tossing (inter-continental) and stalking.
Desperate times call for Internet dating
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You’re doing the right thing by working out to shed some pounds. But why do you feel the need to squeeze everything into a body-hugging latex monstrosity? You look like a badly stuffed salami. And why do you appear to have two arses? That’s just wrong.
Gym pet hates. We all have them
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I’m still fascinated by insects and snails – some species can actually mate with themselves! If I was a snail, I think I’d have a large family…
I reach inside, embrace and celebrate my inner man-child [View full article]

They say: “I’m calling to touch base” – I’m sorry, but are we playing phone baseball? No. So that must mean that you just uttered a pointless expression, rather than actually telling me why you are calling. The equivalent of a speech fart, that must have been the sound of your brain whirring into first gear. And who said I wanted my base to be touched anyway?
Venting my spleen about cringeworthy media industry phrases
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What is it with so-called ‘metrosexuals’? For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term it is not, as you may think, people who are sexually aroused whilst travelling on the paris subway network.
I
struggle to understand the more effeminate of mankind
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This one is similar to the school loner, a blast from the past… you think. The name seems familiar though the photograph doesn’t help… no-one was bald and fat at school! Plus you’re pretty sure that it’s a woman.
Helping you define your groups of friends on Facebook [View full article]

Don’t forget to ask him if he’s into any sports. Your ideal man would play rugby as that’s played by real men. Only real men can light their own farts and grab another man’s testicles in a scrum.
Helpful advice to ladies considering speed dating
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I tried to feign interest, honestly I did. At one point I’ve even clapped… No, actually I think that was just when I slapped my face to stay awake.
The tribulations of dating Daddy’s little princess [View full article]

En route we saw a couple of smaller temples, one alongside a cave where an old man lives. He invited me to look around the two-roomed dwelling. It was cool and dark, even though there a natural shaft that let the light in. I asked him how long he had lived there. “2200 years.” Really?! “Yes.” So you are 2200 years old? “Yes” he said adamantly. Well you certainly look good for your age.
Experiencing Sri Lanka off the beaten track
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“They have multi-coloured sheep. Black and white.” Well, that’s not exactly multi-coloured, and you only mentioned that when you saw a black sheep didn’t you? Sheep racist.
I question Big Boy’s logic. [View full article]

“I am the LAST of the MAJOR CELESTIAL SPIRITS OF THE ALMIGHTY’S ETERNAL GODHEAD…”
 Well, that’s me told. Divine inspiration from a self-proclaimed messenger of God.
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‘Sweet 16, never been kissed’? More like 16 and already pregnant.
I get to grips with bingo. [View full article]

…parts of the capital had been blanketed with several centimetres more snow, bringing the depth to just over ankle height. The dwarf community were advised to stay indoors. 
The UK experiences ‘severe’ weather [View full article]

I chose the dancer who I believed to be the least mentally damaged, as I personally find a man-hating scowl to be off-putting.
Me in a strip club? Surely not… [View full article]

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