I’m not a lover of online dating, having spent a few months (okay, a year) on one particular site (rhymes with ‘snatch’) with varying degrees of horror. But a friend convinced me to try another site (rhymes with ‘die stupid hen’) for a month and, after a quick look at the attractive ladies on the site, my instant reaction was that it had some potential (okay, ‘Little Stewie’ was doing the ‘thinking’ – my boxer shorts must’ve been too tight).
Think about it, online dating is doomed to failure. You spend an hour looking for half decent photos from five years ago, painstakingly writing a profile that ends up looking the same as everyone else’s. Then you exchange 50 messages, finding out that you both like to go out sometimes and stay in sometimes, and that you like travel, music and films.
I tried to make my profile stand out from the norm, stating that my interests were football, pulling funny faces in the gym, badger baiting, dwarf tossing (inter-continental) and stalking. I also admitted that this was my last effort at online dating and that, although I had hopes of success, I’m no George Pitt or Brad Clooney (who is?), so if it didn’t work I would admit defeat, paint lipstick on my right hand, call it Handolina Jolie and move to Alabama for a happy life with ‘her’. Surprisingly this made me quite popular.
If all the mundane messaging goes well, then it’s time to arrange interviews dates, which always have to be on the worst night of the week, when the bars are empty and devoid of atmosphere, when every lull in the conversation is tense, leading to desperate filler chat… Ooh, isn’t it cold? Yes. I much prefer it sunny and warm. Me too – we’ve got so much in common. God please take me now.
Is it any surprise that the poor man feels the pressure to be Mr Darcy, knowing that one false move will lead to his ‘date’ scurrying back to her PC post-date to message one of the 20 men he’s competing with!
Then there are the double standards. I had a photo rejected for being too distant. A close up shot? No-one needs to see that shit! Yet I saw girls’ photos with the subject wearing goggles, fancy dress wigs – one even wore a fake moustache! At least I hope it was fake. Another had a picture of a dog. Why? Because “He’s the most important man in my life.” Hmm…
I know a few meet their true love, but for the rest it’s a time consuming frustration. No-one is ever good enough with the temptation of other dates just a click away. What ever happened to just seeing how it goes? As long as there is some common ground, why not meet again and see if the attraction develops?
To show that I’m not bitter, I’d like to wish good luck to anyone who has found love in this way (see you online again next year?).
[Snatch refers to match.com and die stupid hen refers to mysinglefriend.co.uk. So now you know.]