Spam Fighting Again

I received a curious email from a member of the US Army stationed in Iraq who needed someone trustworthy to act as an intermediary to aid in the transit of some money that he had found in an ‘unusual bulge’. Of course, I was only too willing to offer my help to a hero of the war on terror, this time assuming the character of my gay alter-ego (a couple of the emails are abridged for clarity).

Date: Thu, 1 Apr 2011 14:03:19 +0800
Subject: SGT Joe Martins
From: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
To: stewie

Dear Friend,

Permit the manner with which I am seeking your assistance but I am short of options and have no other choice.I am Joseph martin from Denver(COLORADO), an army contractor attached to the US Military force in Iraq [well then why is your email 8 hours ahead of UK time? That’s strange as Iraq is only 2 hours ahead of the UK. Maybe he’s taken a trip to the Far East]. The reason why I am explaining my findings to you is to seek for your assistance to enable you contribute immensely to the actualization of my dream… On the 14th day of December 2010… I discovered an unusual bulge in a cellar which i presumed to be a storage room. I decided to have a go at it only for me to kick the metal covering and find a metal boxes (6 in number) piled on top one another which were locked with a padlock each.

Upon forcing the boxes open, we discovered several guns, amour and some boxes amongst which two contained bullets, one filled with hard drugs(heroine)and the other two to my amazement contained some US Dollars which amounted to $23.5M after I and two of the soldiers counted them for about 3 hours. I believe the boxes if not owned are linked to the Al Qaeda and Ayman al-Zawahiri.

I however instructed them to keep this in high secrecy so that we can have the money to our selves… I am now in desperate need of a Reliable and Trustworthy person like you who would receive, secure and protect these boxes containing the US Dollars for me up on till my assignment elapses here. We cannot afford to leave the boxes here in Iraq for any reason since Iraq is getting unsafe and dangerous everyday.

… I am fully aware of what your thoughts would be next which is why I intend to include my picture as well as my I.D.s for you to know whom you are dealing with.I assure and promise to give you 10% of this fund,however feel free to negotiate what you wish to have as your percentage in this deal.Please assure me of your keeping this top most secret…

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

From: stewie
To: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
Subject: I can help
Date: Thu, 7 Apr 2011 12:34:58

Dear Sgt Joe Martins

I was interested to read of your interesting bulge. I believe that I am the man to help to grow your bulge in a safe and secret environment. I have a lot of experience in this area, believe me big boy!

I am a reliable and trustworthy man, who likes long walks in the park (at night) and watching repeats of Glee. Normally I don’t charge to deal with newly discovered bulges, but as you are offering, I would like 90% of the cash for my troubles. Does this sound fair?

What are the next steps?

Thanks

Stewie

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

Date: Thu, 7 Apr 2011 21:03:19 +0800
Subject: Re: I can help
From: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
To: stewie

%90 way too much [that was blunt – I love it, I’ve actually managed to make a spammer think I’m a timewasting chancer!]

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

From: stewie
To: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I can help
Date: Thu, 7 Apr 2011 13:06:27

Okay Joe, it was worth a try! How about 50%? If your bulge is big enough, then I could discount more.

Are you still in Iran?

Stewie

 —————————————————————————————————————————————————

Date: Thu, 7 Apr 2011 21:24:18 +0800
Subject: Re: I can help
From: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
To: stewie

i am in iraq at the moment i will offer you %20 and additional %5 to cover for any expenses and time

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

From: stewie
To: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I can help
Date: Thu, 7 Apr 2011 13:28:27

Okay, that seems generous enough.

I’ve never spoken to a real soldier! You’re a hero to so many, do you know that? What regiment do you serve with? When do you return to the US?

It must be hot out there now and I imagine that you have a tough job to do. Do you have any photographs of yourself in uniform with your top off and sweaty?

Stewie

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

Date: Thu, 7 Apr 2011 06:30:57 -0700 [Now minus 7 hours – has he moved to another country? These army boys get around!]
Subject: Re: I can help
From: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
To: stewie

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

From: stewie
To: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I can help
Date: Thu, 7 Apr 2011 13:43:45

Thanks for the swift reply. It wasn’t exactly what I asked for, but at least I can see that you look trustworthy. I have to say though, are you really 55 years old? The army is obviously treating you well as you look 15 years younger! What beauty tips can you give me?

I have to ask… as you are on operations in the desert, do you get to ride camels?

Stewie

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

NO REPLY [damn it, did I blow it?]

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

From: stewie
To: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I can help
Date: Fri, 8 Apr 2011 08:05:17

Okay, I get it, you don’t want idle chit chat. No need to be bitchy, I was just being friendly.

So let’s get on with this deal – what are the next steps?

Stewie

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

Date: Sat, 9 Apr 2011 06:02:20 -0700
Subject: Re: I can help
From: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
To: stewie

Dear Stewie Hotmail

Thanks for your email response, am indeed glad to see someone who feels my pain and is willing to help me out here in this case… I am planning to use a Red Cross officer to get those two trunks boxes Delivered to your home address. all i need is your honesty and trust.

Because that is the only way to avoid going thing against the law, But am yet to get one, I assure you that the delivery which will be made by Red Cross officer which am still looking for is 100% risk free .so be assured that nothing is illegal here [of course not], because me and my fellow American soldiers ,have our prestige to protect either we make it back home alive or not.

Here is the little thing about me… i grow up in an orphanage… i used to be a sad boy during and after my school growing up, with no parent or blood brother ,I decided to join US force to protect the nation because of the so much love and care that my country has showed to me [pass me a handkerchief, sniff].

I Have attached to this email my US ARMY CONTRACTORS ID CARD, MY COLORADO STATE DRIVERS LICENSE, A PICTURE OF ME AND MY COLLEAGUE AT FULJA CAMP AND FINALLY A PICTURE OF ME AND MY COLLEAGUES WHILE COUNTING THE MONEY IN THE TRUNK BOXES TO BE SURE IT IS COMPLETE FOR $23.5 MILLION USD [incriminating evidence, good idea].

… I will also like you  to get back to me with a scanned copy of your i.d Card along with your full Home Address and Direct Cell Phone [in your dreams]… Remember to always keep it secret before and after the delivery of those two trunks boxes to you [‘mums’ the word].

Awaiting Your Early Response

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

From: stewie
To: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I can help
Date: Sat, 9 Apr 2011 15:50:51

Hi Joe

My surname is not Hotmail, that is the name of my email provider! I don’t like to use my real surname as I like to remain anonymous. I work in financial trading, so if anything goes wrong with this, I could be in trouble. Do you understand? I can assure you that I want to avoid going thing against the law.

Are you sure that you can trust someone from the Red Cross? I have a contact in Iraq that I could put you in contact with called Honest John. He runs the Pink Flamingo nightclub in Baghdad and is well used to looking after army boys. Shall I give you his number?

I would love to send you my photograph but modesty forbids me. I never give out my address to men who I have just met, even one with strong hands who is used to handling a monster or two, so I think that you should contact Honest John. What do you think?

Stewie

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

NO REPLY [this has to be it, surely?]

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

From: stewie
To: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I can help
Date: Mon, 11 Apr 2011 08:59:01

Hi Joe

Can you please confirm that you are happy to use Honest John as an intermediary for this transaction? I am keen to proceed. If it helps, I am willing to reduce my commission to 20%.

I await your reply.

Thanks

Stewie

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

Date: Mon, 11 Apr 2011 17:11:03 +0800
Subject: Re: I can help
From: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
To: stewie

ok hook me up with me thanks [with who?]

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

From: stewie
To: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I can help
Date: Mon, 11 Apr 2011 15:53:40

Can you visit him in person? Are you familiar with the Pink Flamingo nightclub in Baghdad?

Stewie

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

Date: Mon, 11 Apr 2011 11:39:17 -0700
Subject: Re: I can help
From: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
To: stewiejt

give me the address [ooh, getting impatient, aren’t we?]

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

From: stewie
To: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I can help
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2011 12:18:10

You can’t mss it. I think the road name may have changed since I was there, but you can find it if you ask around. It used to be called Avenue of Our Great Leader Saddam, but I think they may have changed the name to Avenue of the Executed Traitor Saddam since the war ended.

Go there after 10pm on Friday night. Your name will be on the VIP list, so tell the doormen that you have a Pink Party Pass and they will let you in. Wear your uniform – it will go down well.

I’ve attached a photograph of Honest John.

Let me know how it goes. When will you send me my 50% as agreed?

Stewie

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2011 20:35:51 +0800
Subject: Re: I can help
From: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
To: stewie

fuck you

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

From: stewie
To: sgt.joemartins2012@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I can help
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2011 12:39:56

Ooh yes please – I love a man in uniform

Happy spamming!

Stewie

Well, he seemed annoyed! I can’t believe that he missed the innuendo until the final email. Clearly not the sharpest tool in the box, although he definitely is a tool. Or possibly just blinded by his greed. Bet he feels silly now!