So, you’ve finally managed to bag a date with that hot girl from accounts. Grr, you tiger! You want to show her that you’re a true gent, but with a bit of an edge – no-one likes a sap. But what about the awkward meet and greet kiss on the cheek? How many kisses is it these days? You don’t want to accidentally headbutt her by going for the wrong number! Tip: if British, go for the quick one and out. If foreign, count the number of syllables in her country’s name and replicate that with the number of kisses on her cheeks. Holland? Two. Italy? Three. Easy! Avoid going on a date with a girl from the Democratic Republic of Congo. She will feel like she’s on a date with Woody Woodpecker.

If she is foreign, don’t feign interest in her, pretending that you know what she’s talking about, to try and impress her. If she says she’s from Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, don’t ask her how many girls she sung with in the Grenadines and how many hit singles they had. Anyway, you’re sure this one is special, right? With a bit of class and intelligence. Nothing too brainy, but enough to know that free range chickens are not chickens that sell their own eggs.

So, what to wear? Ignore everything currently screwed up on your floor. That ‘designer’ polo shirt that you bought in Thailand is a good bet – those ladyboys were all over you in Bangkok. Well, yes, it is a fake, but she’ll never know you’re a cheapskate, she’ll think you’re a man of good taste.

As you are meeting at the cinema it’s classic first date fare here, so you can’t possibly mess this up! Say that you don’t mind what you see, but really you do! Of course she’s not going to want to see anything decent, so let her ‘persuade’ you to see some dumb rom com – at least there may be some nudity in it. Plus, this will earn you some brownie points and, hopefully, put her in the mood for you-know-what… Er, popcorn?! Oh, she feels like eating popcorn so be a gent and buy her some. NO – don’t even think of doing that penis in the popcorn prank, you sicko.

As it’s all going just fine, post-cinema, why not take her for a friendly drink to get her drunk find out more about her. You never know, if this goes well you could even ‘seal the deal’ (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Okay, so it’s never happened on a first date before, but you’re feeling like a superstud right now. What girl can resist that Hugo Boss aftershave that you picked up from a beach vendor in Greece. What a steal at £5! You should work in the stock market with your powers of persuasion. Then again, what about the 17 other dates you’ve lined up on plentyoffish.com – what if one of them is surprisingly more attractive than an actual fish? Probably not worth thinking about – that site is well-named…

Unbelievably she seems to be falling for you – she even laughed at your inappropriate joke about the midget in the leper colony and ‘swooned’ when she took a close sniff of your aftershave. It’s a miracle elixir! She seems a little drowsy though… Nevertheless, why not head back to yours while the going’s good?

Great, she seems impressed with your micro-studio apartment. Great idea to take the stairs to avoid the disgusting lift. What is that smell anyway and was that a small dog that ran behind the bins – since when did dogs squeak?! While you’re making coffee, surely there’s no problem in letting her view your photos on your PC. After all, you’ve prepared for this by deleting your browsing history. Nice one Sherlock! Oh shit, the photos from Thailand! Why so many pics of ladyboys? But it is difficult to tell them apart from girls when you’re drink and it’s dark. They’re very convincing, right?

Strange that she left so suddenly, she must really have an early shift tomorrow. But anyway, pat yourself on the back. You’ve got a good feeling about this one...