At long last! That handsome bloke that you’ve had you eye on has finally asked you out. How many more hints could he have possibly missed?! So, you go straight home from work to ‘prepare’ for that ‘Tricky First Date’. You want to make this work as you deserve it. You think you stand out from the competition. Why? Two words… de-sire.
But what to wear? Hmm, better empty the entire contents of your wardrobe and try everything on, just in case something looks different on you now to how it did the last time you wore it. You never know; it’s been a while since you popped down the gym. Whilst you’re at it, why not open a bottle of wine to relax you… Leggings? Comfortable but too casual. That slinky black mini-dress? Maybe for the second date. Just go for those tight jeans and top that you bought from Primark. He’ll never know that you only paid £1.99 for it as it looks good quality – Indian children’s hands are so adept at sowing. And wear those shoes. You now the ones; just divine. Whoops – try not to spill wine on your chosen outfit! Oh, better go for the second choice.
Outfit sorted and it’s probably time to shave those legs of yours. Sure, you’ve lapsed on that recently, but maybe it’s winter and you’ve been cold. You really should remember to buy a new razor, but no time now, just get on with it. Damn that thing is blunt! Don’t worry, he may not notice the tiny streaks of blood running down your legs. You’ve probably stemmed the flow now so he won’t think you had a run in with Fred Krueger walking down Elm Street on the way.
Remember to visit a cashpoint on the way. You’re a modern girl, you don’t need a man to pay for you, so make sure you have enough for the evening. £10 should cover it. Also make sure that you text as many of your closest girlfriends as possible – you’re excited and he won’t mind your phone constantly beeping like a smoke alarm all evening as the replies come in. Once he’s realised there’s no fire in the vicinity, he’ll think how lucky he is to be with such a popular girl.
When you meet your date at the cinema, say that you don’t mind what you see, but really you do! Cleverly pressure him to see that new rom com with Ashton Kutcher as seeing that will really put you in the mood. Your date will inevitably feel compelled to find somewhere to buy flowers for you and things will end happily ever after – a joyous marriage, beautiful children (one boy, one girl), a lovely house in the… WAIT! Don’t daydream. Oh, I guess there’s nothing wrong with hoping for the best, right?
After the film (which he will secretly love), why not go for a drink to find out how much money he earns more about him. Feel free to order some of that fancy Belgian strawberry beer. You surely can’t be as clumsy with that as you were with the wine earlier – you feel at ease now. Hopefully the conversation will flow and you can tell him all about yourself. Hell, you feel flirty now, so why not impress him with a quick demo of one of your Yoga positions? You’re proud of your suppleness. Whoops – you surely haven’t knocked over that strawberry beer have you? Don’t worry, he will laugh it off. Undoubtedly the pink splurge sets off his skin tone nicely and it will come out in the wash. If he uses bleach. Twice.
If all goes well, maybe, just maybe, you might invite him back for ‘coffee’… You don’t normally rush into things, but you’ve got a good feeling about this one – he’s a ‘keeper’, right? Sod it, why not? Grab the nearest taxi and head back. This could be the one. Why not impress him with your cheese-on-toast making skills when you get back? The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And what better way to his heart than with a high calorie, high fat, night-time snack?
Post-snack, lovingly wipe away the bread crumbs from his face (leave the ones that are stuck to his stained t-shirt) and lead him up to your room seductively. What’s this?! Damn, you forgot that you’d left all your clothes everywhere! It looks like you’re one of those kleptomaniacs that never throw anything away and sleep in a cardboard box in the corner. Hurriedly move your big knickers from his sight and laugh it off. He won’t think that you’re Stig of the Dump; you’ve got an attractive ‘cookie’ character that few men can resist. In the morning, don’t worry that he has to leave early – he’s a busy man and it’s so nice of him to help his grandmother with her hedges. He will call, you can feel it…