The testosterone supplements worked wonders

Everyone admires at least some of Madonna’s work, so she should take this as advice from a concerned friend. However, I’ve grown tired of watching her prance around in next to nothing in her videos whilst I’m working out at the gym. I am forced to watch as there is nothing else to look at.

Madge, you’re turning into Cher with each passing year. What’s with the ‘cheese cutter’ leotard you wear in the ‘Hung Up’ video? No-one needs to see that shit.

You obviously spend a lot of time down the gym, and good on ya for that, but please dress more appropriately for a woman in her 50s.

Save your bulging muscles for your partner’s eyes, or possibly for a body building contest, should you encounter a creative ‘dry patch’ and need another interest. Hell, I’m quite sure that if you were to challenge me to an arm wrestle, then you would beat me hands down. That’s not a good thing.

For sure your puppies were a sight to behold in ‘Body of Evidence’, but more than a half century of jiggle means that they should now be kept in ‘the pound’, if you know what I mean.

Why on earth do you think it looks good to prance around with your underwear receding up into your arse crack? Those who say that ‘less is more’ are lying. Whilst it’s impressive that you can still do the splits, I don’t understand why you need to demonstrate this skill on the small screen. It’s a tad too graphic for most people’s taste.

Show a little class and please wear more clothing in your new videos, that’s all I ask. An outfit that leaves something to the imagination, and will ensure that your kids don’t have to cringe with shame as they see their mother perform. You’re not Beyoncé. No-one needs to see you with your legs akimbo.