You must all have been exposed to the hilarity that was caused recently upon hearing the ‘news’ that Kanye West had chosen to call his baby North West, because it’s the highest point in the parents’ relationship and, well, it just doesn’t get any higher than ‘north’, does it? Quite right. Except that the child’s full name is North West, so it’s just ever so slightly skew-whiff of north, if we’re being pedantic. And we are Kanye, we most certainly are.
So this got me thinking about other ridiculous and ill-thought baby names from parents who seem unable to grasp the concept that their baby will grow up to become an adult who is bitter and resentful at being named with such disregard for their feelings.
Of course there are other well-publicised celebrity baby name disasters, which I’ve noticed often fall in particular categories. There are those named after favourite fruit – Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow/Chris Martin) and Peaches (Bob Geldoff); those with lunar obsessions – Moonunit (Frank Zappa) and Sage Moonblood (Sylvester Stallone); the place conceived (perhaps?) – Brooklyn (Beckham) and Egypt (Alicia Keys); and the just downright weird – Pilot Inspektor (actor Jason Lee) and Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette). My personal favourite name is Neville Neville (father of footballers Gary and Phil Neville). Not really a celebrity, but so good, they named him twice… possibly.
My own real-life experience of this is rather limited, although the most obnoxious person I’ve ever met did have the ironic name of Precious. Unbelievably, she actually worked in a role in which she was supposed to be helpful and understanding, in the employment office assessing new unemployment benefit claims.
On my first visit Precious asked me if I was capable of doing anything other than my chosen profession. “Can you clean?” Well, yes, I have that capability… but I’m unwilling to take a cleaning job seeing as I’m a sales professional. “Your benefit will be at risk if you don’t consider other jobs. You probably won’t get a job for a while.” Thanks for the vote of confidence and unbridled optimism. “I can stop this interview now and you won’t receive any benefit”. Right, put me down for school crossing patrol. I’ve always wanted to stop traffic with a giant lollipop. Thanks so much.
Clearly Precious had a misnomer. Amongst other problems. And the stupid names are not solely limited to celebrities. Oh no. There are plenty of examples from Joe Public, published on babycenter.com. I give you Thinn (let’s hope she is), Starlit, Admire (let’s hope she doesn’t become a hobo), Juju (excuse me?!) and Deva (I’m sure she will be) – all girls’ names
And I will end with some choice boys’ names. Ball (?), Hippo (you’re kidding me!), Espn (surely that warrants a free subscription) and Popeye. What the hell were the parents thinking?
I am surprised they didn’t at least name the baby Knorth West.
Or why not North Kardashian?
I think my favorites on that list are Burger and Yoga. Oh, and Fedora. Why not name your kid after a hat?
Yes, why not? I like Stetson … It has a ring to it.
Just to be pedantic – Moon Unit was the daughter of Frank Zappa. Dweezil is his other hilariously named child (who like his dad was, is a fucking awesome guitarist).
It’s fine to be pedantic. Well spotted – I’ve corrected it now.