Recently I challenged an online psychic to give me a reading. Here it is, and remember, this woman was recommended on an online forum, so surely she should be accurate, right? Hmm… let’s see.

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Firstly, I would say that I feel you spending a lot of time at the computer [No shit, who doesn’t these days?]. Very much as if it is your own world. I would like to see you interacting face-to-face with people as this will definitely benefit you and also balance you. I feel that this time at the computer is a form of escapism [It’s mostly for work] which is good, but only in small doses.

We briefly discussed your flatmate, I feel he has a lot of negativity [No he doesn’t] but also suppressed rage [He’s a laid-back Norwegian] to do with his parents and his relationship with his father seems to be very complicated [He is on good terms with his Dad]. I almost have the sense they did not know each other very well [Your ‘sense’ is wrong]. I feel that he is very masked with you – what I mean by this is that he is not showing you his true self which is actually very vulnerable. He puts on a tough and angry persona to cover this up [He is small, so he’d be stupid to act tough. He is quite meek]. I feel you have a strong personality and have been able to withstand this however I would advise you to not spend so much time with him for two reasons. Firstly it is not good to be around negativity. Secondly, the distance you create will give him to self reflect and pull himself out of his angry state. [So, totally wrong so far!]

I am not sure if the name Stephanie means anything to you, this is the name I hear [No it doesn’t mean a lot]. I see a blonde haired slim lady with a really calm and happy nature [Great – give her my number!]. I feel it is a daughter [No shit, she’d have to be someone’s daughter!], who is a very happy person but her marriage is on the rocks. I feel her partner is not telling her the truth about a situation and another woman is involved. She is yet to find out. I see her with child – a boy. [Fascinating]

I also hear Happy Birthday so I feel there is a birthday celebration coming up, a white cake with red writing and candles. I feel you will be organising this celebration [You’d think this was a safe bet, but all significant birthdays for me are actually earlier in the year, except one in November].

I do feel a lot of angst with the relationship with your mother. I feel she never really made you feel as if she was proud of you [Yes she did, even though I’ve never been good at anything!] – nothing you did ever seemed good enough. I feel she spent a lot time telling you off and may have been physical with you also [Never!]. I feel that she did not do the maternal things she was supposed to with you but instead was very controlling and disciplined. I feel that your opinion was never heard and your feelings never taken into account. I feel because of this you find it hard to express feelings of love with someone as this is not something you have ever been taught to do [Total crap].

I also feel a lack of a father figure in your life, either your father very much stayed in the background or was not around at all while you were growing up [Wrong – he was there]. I also feel there was time in your youth when you were sent to live somewhere else for a lot of your teenage years [You ‘feel’ incorrectly]. This has lead again to your inability to express emotions of love. You are quick to say the word love but find it difficult to show [No – the reverse is true].

I would say that you have not been in love in your lifetime [What adult hasn’t, even if it was unrequited?]. I feel that there have been two women [Only two?!] that you have had intense feelings for but this has been intense infatuation not true love. I feel that true love can happen to you, but there is a block within yourself that needs to be removed and this is the block of isolation – you have a tendency to isolate yourself in your lifestyle and also social situations [Hardly – I love to be sociable]. I would like you to practise with someone you trust, everyday spend five – ten minutes telling them how you really feel about something without expressing any anger at all. I hear the name Sue/Susan and feel that this lady is going to somehow lead you to finding true love. I feel that love is really around the corner for you [Finally something correct. But she’s my sister-in-law! That’s just sick!].

I feel you need to visit a spiritual place regularly and the energy of the place will be absorbed by you and help you heal and help lift your spirit. Underneath your personality, you have a very sensitive soul and are prone to intense long periods of emotional turmoil [Not really]. Nature is really healing for you during these periods as it will bring you back down to emotional calm.

I feel a grandfather figure around you and he is showing me an american flag. This may mean he has connection to the states or is from the states [Neither of my grandfathers had connections with the USA]. I feel that he is with you and has a very loving and warm energy. He definitely watches over you, he is kind and gentle. I feel you have had a couple of incidents where you had a lucky escape [I’ve no idea what you are referring to?] this is down to his protection. I feel that he often guards you when you are at your most vulnerable.

I feel there is a new counsellor coming up, which will be a positive change and you need the fresh perspective on your situation. The new counsellor will definitely help you. Do not underestimate the power of these sessions.

Those are all the messages I have for you, please let me know if you have any questions about the reading or if there is something else you would like to me answer.

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Well that was worse than I expected! Not only did she get her predictions completely wrong, she intimated that I should start an affair with my brother’s wife! I’m not Ryan Giggs you know.

I sent her a response:

Sent: 17/05/2013
To: suneet@divinesouls.co.uk
From: Stewie
Subject: Re: Email reading

I have to say I’m disappointed in your reading. Was your crystal ball upside down or something? I’ve added my comments. Can you please give me your feedback? Remember, you said you would answer 5 emails and I expect you to honour this agreement, and if you take your role seriously then you should clearly be keen to respond.

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Sent: 17/05/2013
To: Stewie
From: suneet@divinesouls.co.uk
Subject: Re: Email reading

Hi Stewie

Yes I give refunds. Please send me your address and I will send you a cheque.

Warmest regards

Suneet

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Fair enough. But surely someone who was sure of her ‘ability’ would mount a stern defence? I guess that there are enough gullible people who latch on to something and waste their money on more readings. More fool them…