The school loner – You think you remember the guy. He was really unpopular at school. Didn’t he once wet himself in class… when he was 16. And didn’t you once twist his nipple for shits and giggles? Oh well, most people blossom when they leave school and grow up, so you may as well accept him [click]. Hmm, but what if he’s a sadomasochistic nipple freak now? He could be looking for more of the same playground action now, as an adult! Oh God, better keep a close watch on this one… weirdo.

The ‘babe’ – wow, that Russian girl that sent you a friend request is hot! Yet where did you meet? And why do you share no mutual friends… Hell, she has over 500 friends, all male, so she’s obviously a friendly girl. You never know, she might be up for a little naked troika dancing, nudge nudge. [Accept request] Hmm, damn computer is working slowly tonight. Wonder why she has so many Nigerian friends too… Must remember to ‘poke’ her, that’s a winner.

The almost familiar – this one is similar to the school loner, a blast from the past… you think. The name seems familiar though the photograph doesn’t help… no-one was bald and fat at school! Plus you’re pretty sure that it’s a woman. Oh… well, there are some mutual friends, so make this one a ‘pity friend’, the poor girl. Poor, roly poly slaphead girl. I’m sure she has a wonderful personality… or is a manic depressant. Either way, ‘pity friend’ it is.

The friend of a friend – of a friend of another friend’s cousin. Once removed. You once met, somewhere or other, and you had a brief chat about the weather and the one person that you both know, who just introduced you and then walked off. The bastard. You feel your phone vibrate with a Facebook Mobile alert when this person has just popped into the toilet. How desperate is she to grow her friend list? Whilst sat on the toilet?! Okay, let’s be friends then if it matters so much.

The stranger – she was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met her. She took my credit card and swiped it, and then I went home. She’d Facebooked me. Sing-along if you must. She said don’t you want me baby? No, definitely not you stalker. Never in a million years. I once knew a girl who received a friend request from a man who works in her local petrol filling station. She always paid by card and he obviously memorised her name. They’re married now… Just kidding, they’re not really.

The internet pseudonym – someone you’ve never met except via Facebook, but wants to ‘chat’ and be your friend. He/she looks normal, seems fun in messages, but whilst you ‘chat’ is possibly stabbing a voodoo doll with your name on it whilst bringing him/herself up to a state of arousal. Or maybe it’s just a kid. You never know if it’s a real identity…

The acquaintance – a genuine friend of a friend. Someone who seems nice enough, wishes you happy birthday on your profile page, so you send a message to extend the hand of real friendship. They ignore you. Okay then, I obviously overstepped the mark there… You clearly prefer, e-friends as you’re so busy.

The Facebook paparazzi – someone who you’ve known for a while, shared some drinks with on occasion but always seems to have a camera and constantly uploads really bad photos of you and tags you so that everyone can see what an arse you are when you’re drunk, and what your nostrils look like from close up. This person never deletes a photo and seems to think it’s normal to display pics of people with their eyes closed. Maybe it’s for the best, as the camera is so crap, anyone with their eyes open looks like a red-eyed extra from True Blood.

The real friends – you don’t get to see them as much as you used to, but you can live off the memories. Ah, memories… What Facebook was invented for. The lazy way to pry into other people’s lives keep in touch.

The lifers – no not prison inmates silly, your lifelong, best friends in the whole wide world. So close, that you have their phone numbers, but don’t bother to call them as you’ve got the Facebook mobile app so you can do everything online. You really should make a call more often, it’s good to talk!