Classify Your Facebook Friends

The school loner – You think you remember the guy. He was really unpopular at school. Didn’t he once wet himself in class… when he was 16. And didn’t you once twist his nipple for shits and giggles? Oh well, most people blossom when they leave school and grow up, so you may as well accept him [click]. Hmm, but what if he’s a sadomasochistic nipple freak now? He could be looking for more of the same playground action now, as an adult! Oh God, better keep a close watch on this one… weirdo.

The ‘babe’ – wow, that Russian girl that sent you a friend request is hot! Yet where did you meet? And why do you share no mutual friends… Hell, she has over 500 friends, all male, so she’s obviously a friendly girl. You never know, she might be up for a little naked troika dancing, nudge nudge. [Accept request] Hmm, damn computer is working slowly tonight. Wonder why she has so many Nigerian friends too… Must remember to ‘poke’ her, that’s a winner. Continue reading

SGT Joe Martins and His Unusual Bulge

Looking good for 55 years old

Spam Fighting Again

I received a curious email from a member of the US Army stationed in Iraq who needed someone trustworthy to act as an intermediary to aid in the transit of some money that he had found in an ‘unusual bulge’. Of course, I was only too willing to offer my help to a hero of the war on terror, this time assuming the character of my gay alter-ego (a couple of the emails are abridged for clarity).

Date: Thu, 1 Apr 2011 14:03:19 +0800
Subject: SGT Joe Martins
To: stewie

Dear Friend,

Permit the manner with which I am seeking your assistance but I am short of options and have no other choice.I am Joseph martin from Denver(COLORADO), an army contractor attached to the US Military force in Iraq [well then why is your email 8 hours ahead of UK time? That’s strange as Iraq is only 2 hours ahead of the UK. Maybe he’s taken a trip to the Far East]. Continue reading

Dating Royalty Is No Fun

Were you aware that the United States had royalty, now living in London? And did you know that Lithuania had a royal family that bestowed upon us unsuspecting Londoners a fair princess? No, neither did I until I dated such royalty. It all started when I arranged a date via to meet what seemed to be an attractive and amiable American girl who seemed genuinely interested in me.

I nearly didn’t make it as I was hungover from the night before and I was worried that I may have to introduce her unexpectedly to my friend, Captain Chunder. And no-one would want to see that. But I manage to perk up a little and made it on time to be met with a girl; American – yes, but who looked absolutely nothing like any of her pictures. I couldn’t help but squint at her, wondering if I had been the victim of a stitch up. Continue reading

Pet Hates of the Gym

So… do you work out?

1. Men with inappropriately baggy shorts who always seem to stretch in front of me. I don’t show you my plums, so don’t show me yours.

2. Men and women with inappropriately tight outfits. You’re doing the right thing by working out to shed some pounds. But why do you feel the need to squeeze everything into a body-hugging latex monstrosity? You look like a badly stuffed salami. And why do you appear to have two arses? That’s just wrong.

3. Men who feel the need to spot for their friend who is on a fixed weight machine and therefore, does NOT need such assistance. Drop the weight down a little! Continue reading

Don’t Touch The Strippers

Porsche found Easyjet’s economy seats tended to stiffen her up

Some time ago, I was working for a sales team that promoted businesses through privilege cards; schemes that allowed users special discounts on services. One of our best campaigns was for several bars and a strip club in Bournemouth. There were numerous 2 for 1 drink vouchers and free entry to the strip club. Needless to say, several of these cards were claimed by team members for their own personal use via the unofficial staff five-finger discount scheme. Consequently, after work drinks inevitably involved unlimited half price drinks followed by the company of ‘exotic’ dancers.

I hate strip clubs, but if there is free entry then I can be persuaded to follow the crowd. Continue reading

Online Hating

I’m not a lover of online dating, having spent a few months (okay, a year) on one particular site (rhymes with ‘snatch’) with varying degrees of horror. But a friend convinced me to try another site (rhymes with ‘die stupid hen’) for a month and, after a quick look at the attractive ladies on the site, my instant reaction was that it had some potential (okay, ‘Little Stewie’ was doing the ‘thinking’ – my boxer shorts must’ve been too tight).

Think about it, online dating is doomed to failure. You spend an hour looking for half decent photos from five years ago, painstakingly writing a profile that ends up looking the same as everyone else’s. Then you exchange 50 messages, finding out that you both like to go out sometimes and stay in sometimes, and that you like travel, music and films.

I tried to make my profile stand out from the norm, stating that my interests were football, pulling funny faces in the gym, badger baiting, dwarf tossing (inter-continental) and stalking. Continue reading

Foot In Mouth Disease

Before the more curious among you wonder if this is a post about a hideous growth deformity, have no fear; I assure you that it isn’t. It is merely social commentary on the unfortunate habit that many of us have experienced of saying the wrong thing in our myriad of social interactions.

As a single man negotiating the pitfalls of London’s dating and bar scene, I have learned that sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all, than feel obliged to say something to cover an uncomfortable silence. It isn’t necessary to chat constantly without pause. Unless perhaps you are a horse racing commentator.

My main ‘partner in pulling’ the ladies (or not)  is a mathematician, who by his own admittance spends his days in academic geekdom and is something like an uncaged Tasmanian devil when freed from the formulas, bouncing enthusiastically between girls with the impatience of a speed freak in the toilet queue; frequently to be heard saying: “I’m not getting anywhere, she’s hard to talk to”. After five minutes. Continue reading