Guide to Speed Dating for Blokes

1. You totally suck at finding the right girl, so out of desperation you’ve decided to give speed dating a try as you’ve grown tired of your left hand and you can’t ‘re-connect’ with your right hand – never go back! It could never be as good as it used to be… But you’re not stupid, you know that girls look for a confident man, so your most important task is to drink enough to make you feel cool, calm and assured. Hell, why not down a couple of whiskey chasers before you start? Don’t worry, the smell of alcohol will merge with your aftershave to create a heady aroma that no woman can refuse.

2. Once proceedings get underway, ensure that you lie about your job. This will make you seem more interesting and you’ve had enough to drink now, so you can blag it if she asks any awkward technical questions. But, to be safe, research how long it takes to become an fighter pilot before you go.

3. Ask her who she has come with and make a mental note of which friend is the most attractive. You don’t want to waste too much time on the less attractive one. Although, you’re on a roll now, so maybe they might be interested in a threesome?

4. Pretend that you have interesting hobbies, rather than getting up at midday at the weekends and sitting around your flat in your underpants, scratching your balls. You know that girls love the athletic type, but what can you say? Pick running as that is an easy game to play, or whatever, and you’re not lying – you regularly run faster than Usain Bolt over 5 metres to get to the bar at last orders. And why not tell her that you’re a level ten elf on World of Warcraft? You’re proud of it and she will be impressed at the dedication you’ve shown – all those Saturday nights in front of the computer have paid off!

5. Every woman loves a man who has intellect as well as the good looks that you obviously have. Visit your local bookshop (or Oxfam) and buy the oldest and thickest book that you can find. No, not an encyclopedia dummy! A work of fiction that is so old that she can’t possibly have read it and won’t be able to ask you too many probing questions about, so that you will undoubtedly impress her with your learned self. No, don’t choose Shakespeare you idiot.

6. Done this before? Yes? NO YOU HAVEN’T! No girl wants a loser who can’t get a girlfriend. She comes to speed dating events to find her Mr Darcy. She’s not being unreasonable or irrational – she’s seen the online testimonials and knows that there will be plenty of likely candidates just waiting to meet her. And she knows that she looks good in that dress – her friends said that it didn’t make her bum look big. She is there, not because of her inadequacies or unrealistic checklist of ideal qualities in a man, but because she has decided to go. She is in control and she doesn’t need a man. So pretend that you both had the same silly idea to go along, just for fun, for the first time.

7. After the dating session, make sure that you talk to as many of the attractive girls as possible, but be careful not to spend too long with any one girl. You don’t want to get along too well with only one girl as you may be missing out on other ones. Avoid talking to any ugly girls unless they are standing close to a nice one, enabling you to think strategically, ready to pounce when she’s free. Hell, you’re on fire now tiger, so maybe the other girls will be jealous when they see you talking to the ugly girl! An aloof and arrogant attitude is such an aphrodisiac.

8. When the night draws to a close and you realise that all of the attractive girls are gone, leaving you fighting over a girl who you thought was a man earlier, don’t be dismayed. Leave the pigdog for the sad losers – you’re better than that and you know that you are sure to have many date requests when you log-on to the speed dating website tomorrow. Better clear your diary!

Oh… it’s already clear?

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