News Just In… Hell Is Real!

So that’s what cabbies mean when they say
they don’t want to go ‘south’ of the river

My twice-weekly trip to university includes a short walk across London Bridge for a connecting train, which allows me the chance to take in the sights. The nearby historic Tower Bridge, the modern skyscrapers of the City of London…. homeless beggars, traffic congestion and a strange little Asian man who hands out free newspapers with a persistent inane grin. Just what the hell has he got to be so happy about?

Nothing really changes. Except one day this week, when a rather large black man obstructed my path, looked me square in the eye, and shouted “REPENT!” Well now, did he see me pretend not to notice the charity collectors outside the station? Surely not.

“HELL IS REAL!” Yes, I know that. I’ve been to Delhi. “HEAVEN IS REAL. TIME IS RUNNING OUT!” Yes, I’m aware of the famous gay nightclub, but I’m not interested in any promotion big boy. I’m sorry but I don’t bat for that team.

“JEEESUS IS WATCHING YOU!” Oh, I get you. You’re not Apostle Jack are you? Continue reading

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A Discussion With A Prophet Of God

One of Apostle Jack’s paintings

Recently I had the good fortune to encounter a self-proclaimed messenger of God on the WordPress forum, who had submitted several posts in an effort to publicise his mission. He urged me to visit his blog for an in depth discussion. Who am I to turn down such a glorious opportunity? I dusted down the cape, visited his blog and read this post ‘The Last One’:

I am the LAST of the MAJOR CELESTIAL SPIRITS OF THE ALMIGHTY’S ETERNAL GODHEAD that was chosen and appointed by Him to come forth to receive:”The Passing of the Staff”.

The Passing of the Staff is a Biblical order of the next in line system,of which system is a lenage that the Almighty arranged for certain Major Spirits to come forth IN TURN,and at the TIME APPOINTED to FULFILL…to UVEIL…and to PROPHESY.

After which presentation and purpose thereof have been fulfill the staff is then in readiness to be pass to the next in line.Of which Major Celestial Spirits arranged and appointed by THE ALMIGHTY I am the next and THE LAST ONE that was chosen , appointed,and PREDESTINATED by Him TO COME FORTH TO THE WORLD.” Continue reading

I Get A Psychic Reading

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Recently I challenged an online psychic to give me a reading. Here it is, and remember, this woman was recommended on an online forum, so surely she should be accurate, right? Hmm… let’s see.

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Firstly, I would say that I feel you spending a lot of time at the computer [No shit, who doesn’t these days?]. Very much as if it is your own world. I would like to see you interacting face-to-face with people as this will definitely benefit you and also balance you. I feel that this time at the computer is a form of escapism [It’s mostly for work] which is good, but only in small doses.

We briefly discussed your flatmate, I feel he has a lot of negativity [No he doesn’t] but also suppressed rage [He’s a laid-back Norwegian] to do with his parents and his relationship with his father seems to be very complicated [He is on good terms with his Dad]. I almost have the sense they did not know each other very well [Your ‘sense’ is wrong]. Continue reading

I Talk To A Psychic

Capture

I’ve got absolutely no time for fortune tellers, psychics or whatever they want to call themselves. There is absolutely no evidence to back up their ludicrous claims and most simply prey on the vulnerable. To me they do nothing but fill the world with ‘spam’ by giving false hope. But, as I’m a hypocrite and willing to give anything a try once, I contacted one that had been recommended online.

Sent: 07/05/2013
To: suneet@divinesouls.co.uk
From: Stewie
Subject: Email reading

Hi Clairvoyant

I saw your contact details listed on the forum of Sofeminine.co.uk – obviously I’m not feminine but I’m in touch with my feminine side. Nothing wrong with that. I’m not embarrassed.

It’s perfectly normal. Lots of men are like that. Anyway, I was wondering about the logistics of your email sessions. Do you charge £25 for the whole email correspondence, as if it was a long conversation? Or would it simply be one email from you and that’s it? No replies allowed, no dialogue. Which would be very expensive!

I look forward to your reply.

Thanks

Stewie Continue reading

Top MILF Speaks Out

If you’ve arrived here via one of the many search engines out there, then I can only assume that you have an interest in an Islamist freedom fighting group based in the Philippines, as reported by Al Jazeera… Who doesn’t?

Okay, I know that’s not true. You actually have an interest in the more common definition of this acronym, don’t you? You naughty little boys. Of course you want to know about homemade fudge (Mother I’d Like Fudge). Well here’s something to get your juices flowing.

Clotted-Cream-Fudge__44735

I jest of course. When I saw a tweet from Al Jazeera mentioning an article about ‘the leader of the MILF’, it caught my attention.

Once I stopped laughing, I clicked through to discover that an Islamist insurgent group has a rather unfortunate acronym in English. How could they not know about the more common definition – have they not seen American Pie?  Continue reading

Moses and the Unquenchable Fire

Helpfully pointing out where the world is located

Moses from the New Hope Ministry posted on the WordPress forum in an effort to publicise his rather radical mission, whilst condemning non-believers. Who am I to turn down such a request from such a fair-minded and liberal individual?

Here is his interview. I’m sure you’ll agree it makes perfect sense.

Or it might confuse you. One or the other.

Your website states that ‘This site is not for dating, it is the site for the word of God’ – have people mistaken New Hope Ministry for a site that helps lonely singles? What is your opinion of people who use those sites?

(a) People ware posting dating and sexy web addresses on my blog so i decided to write down the instruction of my blog, because my blog is only for the work of God.

I think you’ll find that’s known as spam Moses. Continue reading

Further Discussions With The Prophet

Stop bothering me Jack, or else this lightening bolt’s for your butt!

A WordPress member and self-proclaimed messenger of God known as Apostle Jack recently reappeared on the forum for a second time, posting several topics designed to stimulate debate and promote his misguided religious cause.

I tried to resist temptation, in the true biblical sense, but this fool deserved to be mocked for spamming the forum to spread his twisted beliefs and delusions of grandeur.

What follows are four separate topics, each neatly headed by Apostle Jack himself.

Conversion’

apostlejack7
Aug 7, 2011, 4:41 PM

If you had to,would you change your opinion about your faith.I have witness the turn around and conversion of many people,some of whom said they never would.Some will never know until they meet the bear in the alley.Some will hear about it and never take that route…..and some refuse to be told.And then there is.. THE WISE:…those that go around what others have to go through and suffer. Continue reading