So… do you work out?

1. Men with inappropriately baggy shorts who always seem to stretch in front of me. I don’t show you my plums, so don’t show me yours.

2. Men and women with inappropriately tight outfits. You’re doing the right thing by working out to shed some pounds. But why do you feel the need to squeeze everything into a body-hugging latex monstrosity? You look like a badly stuffed salami. And why do you appear to have two arses? That’s just wrong.

3. Men who feel the need to spot for their friend who is on a fixed weight machine and therefore, does NOT need such assistance. Drop the weight down a little!

4. Men who feel compelled to groan and shout like they are giving birth to baby elephant with scabies. Grr, aagh, hmm – does that help?

5. Overly sweaty people who leave the machines like they’ve just been slimed by that green thing from Ghostbusters. Did we ask you liberally lubricate the equipment with your DNA?

6. People who slam the weights down on the stacks. Use lighter weights if you can’t control the full range of motion. The springs are not there to give you assistance with the lift by bouncing the weights back up.

7. People who read or text whilst cycling on cardio machines. You can’t concentrate on two things at once, can you? I once saw a girl who was pedalling at only 15 rpm! The display was flashing at her to increase speed. Pointless waste of her time. Can you rub your tummy whilst slapping yourself around the face? No you can’t, but please do try it. Read at home or on the bus. But not when you’re driving… I bet you read when you’re driving, don’t you?

8. Gym jockies. People who don’t know how to use the machines correctly; they ride the equipment, rather than sitting on it and seem incapable of reading the instructions. You’re facing the wrong way dummy! Your body is not supposed to bend in that way. Hernia anyone?

9. Daydreamers. You sit on a machine, watching a music video and wonder where you can get the testosterone supplements that Madonna must be taking. ‘Can she bench press more than me?’ you think. Yes, she can, YOU’RE NOT USING THE BLOODY MACHINE!

10. People of the gym who aren’t aware of the benefits of deodorant. It feels like the skin is peeling from my face in your presence. I breathe through my mouth but the air is heavy with fungal spores. I’m trying desperately to breathe through my ears.

11. Admittedly my gym is close to a ‘gay’ area of London, but I don’t see why this should mean that I wish that I could switch off my peripheral vision when I enter the changing room. If you’ve had a shower put your damn clothes on as soon as possible. But don’t start with your socks. You have to bend over for those and no-one needs to see that. There are more cocks on display than at a Bernard Matthew’s slaughterhouse. I don’t inflict my hairy arse on you, so kindly repay the favour!

12. Steroid abusers. Great, you can benchlift the weight of two elephants with just your cuticles, but you look like the Michelin man with flatulence. And why is your head square shaped?

13. People who adopt a bizarre exercise or warm-up regime. I recently saw a man upside-down, balancing his body weight precariously on the top of his head whilst rolling his neck. He then proceeded to perform a bizarre one-handed skip, bouncing progressively backwards, whipping me in the process. Maybe he saw that I was laughing… I also saw two fully grown men kneeling down about four feet apart, throwing an inflated fitness ball to each other, looking like giant hairy babies. Why? It looked wrong, plain and simple.

14. ‘Peacocks’ – you strut around the gym with an arched back, looking like you are trying to crack a walnut between your butt-cheeks. Yes we’ve all noticed you, although we pretend not to as… put it this way, we’re not looking at you out of envy! Everyone thinks you’re a pretentious ego-maniac. Your level of self-love makes it apparent that you spend many hours in front of the mirror, pulling shapes. You are sadly deluded.

When I’m rich and successful, I plan to open new sports clothing stores, named PUT IT AWAY MAN (for him) and YES, YOUR BUM DOES LOOK BIG IN THAT (for her). You read it here first…