Tag Archives: Humour

Thoughts To Ponder

by in That's Life! and tagged , | 6 Comments

Rhetorical questions from viral emails, word-of-mouth & my own mind

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Who is Pandora and, pardon me, but isn’t it a bit rude to talk about opening her box?

Why does Donald Duck reach for a towel when he steps out of the shower when he never wears trousers anyway?

What is the opposite of speaking in tongues? Is it speaking in tongue, or perhaps speaking in Tongan?

Would the USA be safer if they gave people the right to arm bears?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?

Why did World War 2 Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Continue reading →

Pet Hates Of The Office

by in Random Rants and tagged , | 14 Comments
Any questions?

The office joker – Usually a man, he loves to be centre of attention and is blissfully unaware that some jokes are inappropriate or corny. He establishes pecking order by talking at the speed (and volume) of gunfire to ensure that no-one else can steal the limelight; he doesn’t like others to be funny. He is guaranteed to wear a  ‘comedy’ tie to the office Christmas party, probably featuring Homer Simpson. He often mentions his housemate yet he secretly lives his with mother. Riddle me that funny man.

The officious manager – He really loves showing you who’s the boss. Know your place underling. Tells you that to be promoted you have to start acting like a manager yet he withholds responsibility like Gollum covets the ring. Questions whether you really have the drive to do well for this company. You mentally envisage whether you could drive a staple between his eyes and claim temporary insanity. His work/life seesaw balance is tipped so far in favour of work that life’s innocent and playful child that is inside us all is left dangling 10 ft up crying for mummy. He wants staff to be automatons; his ideal team member would be C3PO or possibly Twiki from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century (agreeable and doesn’t answer back). Continue reading →

Stop Surprise Encounters With Naked Men

by in Random Rants and tagged , | 11 Comments
“Well, that was a good workout!“

Arguably, there is little on God’s majestic Earth that is more ugly than the sight of a man’s naked body. Especially a body that appears out of nowhere, confidently striding across everyone’s eyelines, as I enter my gym’s changing room, looking for a spot facing the wall.

No, this isn’t merely an encounter with someone who is getting changed. These men are lurkers.They are far too comfortable in their own skin. They gladly let it all hang out. They don’t feel shame in their bodies and seem to have missed the unwritten social rule that says ‘one must change as swiftly as possible, so as to avoid inflicting one’s dangly bits on an unsuspecting fellow gym attendee’. There, it’s written now, God dammit. Continue reading →

Extreme Frisbee

by in That's Life! and tagged , , | 8 Comments
I agree – I’ll have a pint of Glory thanks

The sport of Ultimate is colloquially known as Ultimate Frisbee. Probably because it was a stupid idea to name a sport using an unaccompanied adjective. To the uninitiated Ultimate seems like an incomplete sentence. Sorry, I missed that last part… Ultimate what?! You might expect that a sport would be named after its components, such as football, or after the place where it was developed, such as badminton, and quite reasonably so. Of course, Frisbee is a trademarked name, but couldn’t they have mentioned a disc somewhere? And what is so ultimate about it? Certainly the way I play it wouldn’t surprise me to be filed with a lawsuit accusing me of breaking the Trade Descriptions Act. To be honest, the sport that I play is usually just Adequate Frisbee, although sometimes Lucky Frisbee, and commonly Sorry-I-Didn’t-Mean-To-Do-That Frisbee. Continue reading →

Just Too Obvious

by in Dating Disasters and tagged , , , | 20 Comments

“Oh my God… he just asked me if I wanted to go for a drink. He’s just too obvious!” So says the excitable twentysomething to her closest friend. Well, the police didn’t like it when I waited outside your house to ‘accidentally’ bump into you. And you screamed when I sprang from the back seat of your car with a bottle of wine and two glasses. So what’s a guy got to do to get date these days?

Call me old-fashioned if you will, but what ever happened to the days of boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy asks girl out to share a glass or three of bubbly alcoholic liquid? Am I now supposed to believe that this transparent declaration of interest belongs in a bygone era? If what this girl says is now the widely accepted belief, then I guess that I can stop wondering where I have been going wrong.

There will now follow a period of enlightenment. My behaviour will change from rational and logical interaction with the fairer sex to increasingly confusing and erratic interplay, as I seek to find ways to ask girls out without actually asking the question. Continue reading →

Dating ‘Mother’

by in Dating Disasters and tagged , , , | 15 Comments
I know how you feel, little guy

Don’t worry, this isn’t one of those Oedipus Complexes that would make Sigmund Freud turn in his grave, twiddling his moustache quizically. It is the tale of another dating woe, from when I had recently moved to London.

There I was, a single man salivating at the thought of what seemed like an endless line of available women, all just a Tube ride away. The world, it seemed, was my oyster. I just had to search amongst the sea of opportunity and grab a shining pearl, whilst obviously avoiding the perils of any non-jewellery producing molluscs, if you catch my drift. But enough of the analogies…

Not knowing where to start, I signed up to Match.com and started the whole ‘getting to know you’ process with London’s finest. With little success. What was wrong with these career girls? Maybe they didn’t actually believe that I was a millionaire playboy with a very big house in the country, his own horse and an interest in polo. It wasn’t too big a lie, I thought. Well, I did sometimes eat mint flavoured polos. Continue reading →

Threatened By Irina Fluffi’s Husband!

by in Spam Fighting and tagged , , | 16 Comments

Irina Fluffi (right), Gustav Fluffi in the middle?

This won’t any make sense unless you have previously read My New Russian Internet Girlfriend. I recently received this unexpected threatening email from my Russian cyber girlfriend’s husband! His English is even worse than Irina’s. I guess he must have an older version of an auto-translator program on his PC… This must have come from the same source as it was sent to my work email address like the original spam email, even though I replied via my Hotmail account. Weird.

From: Gustav Fluffy [mailto:gustavfluffy@hotmail.co.uk]
Sent: 11 April 2011 17:01
To: stewie
Subject: Why to play games with my woman

To this stewie,

I have in mind you speak with my woman and this my wife woman. You come to Russia and fight like man in army war for woman love.

Gustav Continue reading →