Stop Surprise Encounters With Naked Men

Well, that was a good workout!

Arguably, there is little on God’s majestic Earth that is more ugly than the sight of a man’s naked body. Especially a body that appears out of nowhere, confidently striding across everyone’s eyelines, as I enter my gym’s changing room, looking for a spot facing the wall.

No, this isn’t merely an encounter with someone who is getting changed. These men are lurkers.They are far too comfortable in their own skin. They gladly let it all hang out. They don’t feel shame in their bodies and seem to have missed the unwritten social rule that says ‘one must change as swiftly as possible, so as to avoid inflicting one’s dangly bits on an unsuspecting fellow gym attendee’. There, it’s written now, God dammit.

Look nude men, no-one wants to see you weighing yourself naked on the scales. Do you really think that discarding underwear will make a difference to your weight? No, I don’t think so. You just love the freeing sensation of cool air conditioning wafting around your balls. You prefer to air-dry your back hair. You take pride in inflicting your sweaty mass on others. You sympathise with the naked rambler, don’t you?

Well, I’ve had enough. It is unacceptable for you to style your hair in the mirror before dressing yourself. You don’t look half as good as you think you do. Even if you did, that’s no excuse. If you’re gay, then fine, but a mainstream gym is not the place to pick up naked, people go there to exercise, not ogle strutting peacocks, so kindly put your ornamental ‘feathers’ away.

11 thoughts on “Stop Surprise Encounters With Naked Men

    • I’ve heard that this sort of behaviour is not uncommon in the female changing rooms as well, although much nicer to look at! 😉

  1. Here in San Francisco I could do more than a few posts on dangly bits, almost as though they are being taken out for walks. In some instances I have photos to back my claims. Yesterday’s flash was just too close and too confronting. Flash, when I think about it, is entirely the wrong word.

  2. I’m a bread baker so these buns remind me of bread dough. What would a frontal shot remind me of? My late aunt used to call them “two eggs and a sausage.” As I grew older and been privy to see my fair share it reminds more of what Andrew Zimmer would eat in “Bizzare Foods.”

    • Why would you talk to your aunt about naked men?! I can’t say that such a discussion has ever arisen for me at family gatherings. 🙂

      • I didn’t talk to her about naked men, but “two eggs and a sausage” is how she referred to male parts. A flower for the female part (think Georgia O’Keeffe). She used euphemisms … she didn’t like the slang … so she made up her own. She was a lady–a funny lady. Our family had very lively discussions. That’s what made family gatherings so much fun. 🙂

  3. Hey Stewie, why do I suspect this might be a topic which keeps on giving? Experiences on the streets in SF have given me enough to blog several posts about, complete with photos, dangly bits tied with ribbons no less, – they were campaigning to be elected to one of the SF Districts – but I have no wish to have my sweet little nylon daze tales sullied with really nasty spammy hits. As for the gym, is eye contact to be preferred, or completely avoided?

    • Eye contact is always to be avoided! And you’re right – if you blog about things like this it inevitably brings traffic from people who are searching for something else. My travel post ‘Sun, sea and sex (doggy style)’ is now my most popular post, but I expect that many people were hoping for something else when they clicked on it. 🙂

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