My New Russian Internet Girlfriend

Is that sap or are you just pleased to see me?

I Fight Spam With Spam

Recently I received spam from Russia from a girl looking for love with an Englishman. I love a foreign girl. Especially one who is a calculating spammer, looking to prey on vulnerable, gullible and lonely men. So I replied to see how long I could ‘cyber-date’ her for, dropping subtle and not so subtle hints with each message that would lead a genuine person in to thinking that I’m a complete psychopath to be avoided. This post is a nice accompaniment to My Revenge On An Email Hacker published last year. Let’s play a game!

From: irinafluffi@rambler.ru
Sent: 17 March 2011 14:47
To: stewie
Subject: Hi

Hello. My name is Irina. To me of 28 years. I search here for the man to create serious relations in the future. I shall be very glad if we with you will start to learn each other better. In my following letter I shall write to you more information on me. I have applied my pictures on this letter. I shall wait for your answer. Irina

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From: stewie
To: irinafluffi@rambler.ru
Subject: RE: Hi
Date: Thu, 17 Mar 2011 16:12:37

Hi Irina

Thanks for your email – what a surprise! My name is Stewie. To me of 35 years. I am also looking for a woman to procreate serious relations in the future. I am a stockbroker and live in a mansion in the centre of London, next to Buckingham Palace. I get on well with the neighbours and have an invite for the royal wedding. Do you intend to visit London soon? You could possibly be my date for the wedding!

I love the pictures that you have applied. Do you have more? You look Russian. I love Russian women the most! I would like to learn you better. Where do you live, what is your job and what is your bra size?

Stewie

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Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2011 13:55:05
From: irinafluffi@rambler.ru
To: stewie
Subject: Hello my new friend

Hello Stewie. I simply do not know from what now to start [she then proceeds to waffle for over 400 words so here is the abridged version].

I want to meet the man from abroad with which I shall be capable to construct serious relations, and in the future can have happy family… Probably you that the man for whom I search? I
think, that time will show, where there will be our correspondence… I have been given birth on September, 17, 1982 in city Cheboksary… I shall finish the letter now, and I shall move to the house [why, are you outside?]. I have applied some my pictures on this letter, and I hope that you will be glad to see them. I hope to receive the answer from you soon. Your new girlfriend from Russia. Irina

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From: stewie
To: irinafluffi@rambler.ru
Subject: RE: Hello my new friend
Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2011 22:59:28

Hi Irina

I’m a modern man who values women’s rights and loves to treat a girlfriend like a princess! Don’t worry, I am serious about meeting a girl in the Internet.

I like foreign girls as they appreciate the traditional boundaries between a man and a woman. My last girlfriend complained when I asked her to do the housework and she thought it was unreasonable for me to keep her locked up when I left the house. But it’s okay, as she’s gone now.

You didn’t answer my last question. I honestly need a date for the royal wedding at the end of April. I can pay for a plane ticket if it helps you to come and visit me. Just let me know. I have a mountain of shirts that need ironing!

Write back soon.

Stewie x

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Irina Fluffi: What man could refuse her? Okay, most could.

Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2011 12:42:38
From: irinafluffi@rambler.ru
To: stewie
Subject: It is a little about my cityHello my friend. I think that to us with you still very much early to think of our meeting as we with you all over again should learn each other better, and then when we with you learn each other better we could plan our meeting in the person [there followed more waffle, abridged again for clarity]… men of our country have bad reputation, and many have bad habits is similar to the use of alcohol and drugs. I do not want to lead the life near to such the man… If I meet correct the man for myself and I shall have bent for to him I shall use the best efforts to win his heart and I shall never surrender… you already know I live in city Cheboksary [yes, yes], and I live here since the childhood. Our city is not very big, here again lives about 500000 person, but every day our city blossoms and becomes it is more… You can speak me more about city in which you live? For me it will be interesting to learn about it… I shall go to the house now [outside again?], and I shall look forward to receive your new letter. Your girlfriend Irina

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From: stewie
To: irinafluffi@rambler.ru
Subject: RE: It is a little about my city
Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2011 13:43:59

Hi Irina

Maybe you are right – it is too early to meet. But let me know if there is anything that I can do for you!

I understand your concerns about people who abuse alcohol and illegal drugs. I would never take drugs. Not since the overdose. After that I thought “Never again!”

You city sounds amazing although I have checked online and found that the highest average temperature you have is 14.4C in July! That is so cold. Surely in winter your nipples must be like door knobs?! At least it would be somewhere to hang my jacket.

I live in London which you may have heard of. It has 8 million inhabitants and is very traditional. Men wear suits with bowler hats to work and ladies rarely wear dresses above the ankle. Of course I prefer it when they show more flesh! The UK is very small, so 60 million people have to really squeeze in. Some people have to sleep three to a bed to save space. I’ve still got room for one more!

We have many historical sights in England – Buckingham Palace, Stonehenge and TV host Bruce Forsyth.

What do you do for hobbies? I’ve heard that bear baiting is popular where you live – is that true? I am mainly into blood sports. So in the UK it is fox hunting, cock fighting and badger baiting. It’s hard to meet women at these events for some reason.

I still think you should fly over Wink

Hope to hear from you soon!

Your English boyfriend

Stewie

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2011 13:54:05
From: irinafluffi@rambler.ru
To: stewiejt
Subject: It is a little about my work

Hello my dear, I was once again very glad to receive your letter, and it brought the big mood to me and allocated my day with set of paints and positive emotions. How are you today? I hope, that you all is good, and your day passes also in the big mood. Today I want to tell once again to you little bit more about my life. [Oh no, here we go again] I think, what all this is very important for development of ours relations. Stewie I want to tell to you little bit more that I do for the work. [Go on then, if you must] I really work as the seller in one of the largest shopping centers [really?] in our city which refers to Megamol. I work there as the seller of jeweller ornaments… [I’ll spare you some of the waffle] I very much love the work, and I work there together with girlfriend Elena… I stated a good estimation to the English language because I think that each person, should know some foreign languages… I with the big pleasure shall teach you some Russian, and I think that you could study in this well. Dear friend, I am going to go now on our city to do some walk together with girlfriend Elena. I hope to receive your answer soon, and I shall wait for it in the big impatience. Yours Irina

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From: stewiejt
To: irinafluffi@rambler.ru
Subject: RE: It is a little about my work
Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2011 12:57:08

Hi Irina

It’s great to hear from you as always, but I am worried that you don’t reply to my questions! I asked you what your hobbies were. Is bear baiting popular in your area? Also, I like fit girls, so what sports do you like? Our national sports are football, cricket and jousting.

This relationship will not work if we don’t communicate properly! You mention that you were allocated some paints. Have you been painting long?

Your job sounds interesting. I work in imports and exports. A bit of this and a bit of that, anything that can get through customs easily. If you work in a jewellers then we might be able to do some business off the books. 😉

I can’t speak Russian but I would be willing to give it a go, even it you do use a silly alphabet. How do you say: “Stop watching TV and get back in the kitchen?” in Russian?  No wait, say something dirty to me! It would give me the big mood.

I’m interested to learn that you have a girlfriend named Elena. I would very much like to meet both of you at the same time. This would give me a very big mood.

Write soon

Stewie

One week later and still no reply. I really thought that she could be ‘The One’… to avoid. Do you think that it was something I said? It seemed to be going so well. I thought that she had accepted me for all my faults. And disturbing hobbies. And sexist views. I’ll never find another Irina Fluffi…


STOP PRESS: I receive a threatening email from Irina Fluffi’s husband!

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32 thoughts on “My New Russian Internet Girlfriend

    • Thanks, that’s good to know. Now have a glass of water and push that lung back down.

  1. I no understand why you no hear back from her, you sound big catch for lucky girl. :p

  2. I loved the way you worded these emails, well done on keeping her on the hook for so long. As you said before, there is no way it was a legit girl!

    I think one of the best parts was when you asked her about receiving the paints, talk about taking the piss, absolute classic.

    Not to give you a big head or anything, but you are a very talented writer.

    • Thanks for your comments. And you’re right, there’s no need to give me big head. 🙂

  3. I think her best line was ‘…and I shall wait for it in the big impatience.’ It would be a great line for a song.

    • Her English is interesting. I still hope to get a belated reply with her teaching me some Russian. By the way, I ran a Google search on her town and found that the third entry on the first page of results was this: http://www.cheboksaryrussia.net/russian-scammers-russian-scams

      They might want to change the town they use for these scams. Just wish I could have found out what the end scam was…

      • I suspect that after you had thoroughly fallen in love with her she would suddenly have a desperate need for money. Possibly for a family emergency or some kind of urgent hospital treatment for herself. I’m sure she would have ,very helpfully, sent you her bank deposit details and then promised to pay you back in full when she comes to marry you.

        It’s a shame that it doesn’t seem to be working out for you guys (and it was such a promising start!). I’m sure you would have made a lovely couple.

        • What do you mean ‘after’ I had fallen in love with her?! She meant the world to me. I want to shout it loud from the rooftop: “I LOVE YOU IRINA FLUFFI!”

          Just before I jump off…

      • Yes, your love for Irina Fluffi was very apparent in your beautiful messages to her. They brought a tear to my eye.

        I just read the article from your link. According to this you may get a phone call from her…hey, lucky you! And she’ll probably only need a few hundred bucks from you, so small a price to pay for true love.

  4. bwahahahahahaha. i literally just finished laughing, the whole post is genius. You’re the guy that messes with the telemarketers too right? LOVED it!

    • No, I don’t bother toying with telemarketers, they are just doing a job, so I can’t be bothered with that!

      • I always try to get the male telemarketers to serenade me on the phone. But nothing compares to your skill stewie.
        Dont give up hope, For every guy there is the perfect Fluffi somewhere.

        • You’ve probably had a cat named Fluffi at some time I would have thought?

      • your posts are thoroughly entertaining. and I would definitely mess with telemarketers. makes their job more interesting. trust me. I WAS one for awhile. My fav people were the ones who would crack jokes, or do silly accents, or whatever. breaks up the monotony for sure!

        • I’m not sure that a conversation with a telemarketer would work so well as a blog post!

      • Stewie, I here bye challege you. The goal? To make a telemarketer forget what they were trying to sell you because they are trading jokes or singing songs etc. Perfect blog post material. You can do it! I have faith in you. As long as Fluffi doesnt get jealous, that is.

        as an aside, I once convinced a mormon missionary to MOOO! and to throw his bible across the room. Anythings possible, with imagination. LoL 😀

        • The only problem is that I rarely get phone calls from telemarketers as I am careful to keep my number private. But I’ll bear it in mind!

    • Thanks for your offer of credit. I would like £5000 in used bank notes. I will pay you back as soon as I can. What is the next step?

  5. Perhaps Irina Fluffi is really a man, and was going to hit you up for money to fund the sex change op. Would be a great story to tell the grandkids.

    • What, so I was giving my heart to a man?! No, no, no. Irina wasn’t like that. She, she… can’t have been.

  6. Oh, god, this was too much. I was cracking up reading this.

    If she was going to scam for a lover she needed to start scamming for some English lessons too.

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