The office joker – Usually a man, he loves to be centre of attention and is blissfully unaware that some jokes are inappropriate or corny. He establishes pecking order by talking at the speed (and volume) of gunfire to ensure that no-one else can steal the limelight; he doesn’t like others to be funny. He is guaranteed to wear a ‘comedy’ tie to the office Christmas party, probably featuring Homer Simpson. He often mentions his housemate yet he secretly lives his with mother. Riddle me that funny man.
The officious manager – He really loves showing you who’s the boss. Know your place underling. Tells you that to be promoted you have to start acting like a manager yet he withholds responsibility like Gollum covets the ring. Questions whether you really have the drive to do well for this company. You mentally envisage whether you could drive a staple between his eyes and claim temporary insanity. His work/life seesaw balance is tipped so far in favour of work that life’s innocent and playful child that is inside us all is left dangling 10 ft up crying for mummy. He wants staff to be automatons; his ideal team member would be C3PO or possibly Twiki from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century (agreeable and doesn’t answer back).
Fad dieters – you often walk past them in the mornings as they queue to buy cakes for breakfast. They complain that “You can eat anything and stay skinny yet I only have to look at a donut to put on weight”. They seem to forget that looking is always followed by buying and eating in their case. So they try out the latest diet craze that “…worked for Beyonce”. They bore everyone with how much weight they have lost on the bread and water diet and look down on you for eating a chocolate bar. After losing the equivalent of a baby elephant’s weight in one week, they reward themselves with just one cake. Two weeks later they are twice the size that they were and break their chair.
Obsessive emailers – you receive an email asking for your opinion on a pressing matter. From someone who sits next to you. You take the initiative and speak to the person in an effort to save time, only to be met with a look of disdain that says “What are you doing talking to me?” At the end of the brief discussion, you are asked to “Email me what we’ve just talked about”. Right, okay then, you win.
Gulpers – whilst everyone likes to take on board some refreshments throughout the day, some people seem to enjoy what they are consuming just a little too much, and insist on letting everyone else know this. A swig of water is followed by a loud and satisfied sigh, as if they have been lost in the desert and just found an oasis. Food is eaten quickly whilst smacking their lips together noisily, showing the full chewed up contents of their mouths. You suffer repetitive strain injury from squeezing your stress ball in annoyance.
Phone twisters – they simply cannot understand why their phone cords are twisted so much that when they lift the handset to take a call, the whole phone comes with it. They are adamant that they don’t twist their cord, seemingly convinced that there must be a wicked poltergeist who makes calls during the night and mischievously twirls the cord around before replacing the handset, laughing manically.
Meeting obsessives – these people love nothing more than to call a meeting at every opportunity. They are that important. The thought of a boardroom, whiteboard and Powerpoint presentation makes them aroused in a way that just isn’t healthy in the workplace. They commonly call a second meeting, to discuss the points raised in the previous meeting. They wonder why you are sat in the corner, banging your head against the wall.
Random singers – just as anti-social and annoying as the gulpers, these people as just so happy to be at work, that they have to let every co-worker know about the joy of work, through the medium of song. They think it’s acceptable to sing ‘deck the halls with boughs of holly’. In June. “Fa la la la la, la la la” DIE! Are we at the X-Factor auditions? No, so shut it Britney.
Suck-ups – the most hated of all office workers, these people think that they have perfected so-called ‘managing upwards’. That’s true, if you mean lubing up your head and climbing into your manager’s butt. Is that upwards far enough for you? Surely every manager is not so gullible to believe all the sycophantic compliments and ‘pretend busy’ act every time they look in the suck-ups’ direction? Wrong, they always do.