Another day, another date and it all seemed to be going very well. But in life’s myriad of social interactions there are some questions that you just don’t ask. Just like demanding to know who has farted in the lift, or seeing an ugly baby and asking if it’s a boy or a girl, you shouldn’t go on a date and ask someone why he or she is single. Why not just shout “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?”, slap me across the face and call me a freak whilst you’re at it, to really make me feel all snugly inside?
And anyway, it takes two to tango, as they say. So, after replying that my date should “… ask the women of London” to find out the answer, I batted the same question straight back at her. Continue reading
No, not her, she was busy
It had all started off so well. I met an old friend for drinks on a Friday evening and we had noticed a couple of nice girls chatting in the corner and struck up a conversation. Despite the fact that they had arranged to meet a couple of blokes, we soon skillfully prised away the ladies from their clutches. Well, they kept going outside for cigarettes, so it was their own fault…
So there I was getting on fabulously with the taller girl (as if I have to take the taller one); life couldn’t get any better than this! She told me that she was an actress. Of course, she was a little known actress, not as stunning as Angelina Droolie or Halle Boobly (who is?), but still desirable in my (drunken) eyes. She was currently ‘starring’ in a Bodyform tampax ad apparently, although surprisingly, wasn’t roller skating through a park or abseiling down a cliff face in the commercial. Continue reading
“In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play” said Friedrich Nietzsche, the German philosopher. Amen to that brother. I’ve been accused of failing to act my age or be responsible, yet in my mind, the people that say this are often jaded with life, unhappy with the choices that they’ve made and jealous of my marriage-free, child-free, debt-free, er… freedom. I’m certainly not anti-those things and I can’t help it if I find it impossible to see a space hopper and not bounce around the garden on it. Admittedly though, it’s probably wrong to push my niece and nephew out of the way to get to it first. I’m much bigger and should control my excitement, but space hoppers are ace. I still can’t resist kicking my way through fallen leaves and I’m still fascinated by insects and snails – some species can actually mate with themselves! If I was a snail, I think I’d have a large family… Continue reading
Having been to a few speed dating ‘events’ of various descriptions, I vowed to never waste my time in such a way again! But a friend recently persuaded me to attend a singles night/speed dating evening and offered to buy me drinks – done deal! After all, how bad could it be? The evening required prior online registration which seemed innocuous enough, but some muppet had decided to give out name tags with our chosen registration pseudonym, rather than our actual first names! Luckily I was just StewieJT (not ideal, but not embarrassing either), but as soon as I arrived I noticed a guy that I’d met a few months previously, and would rather avoid. Unfortunately, my attempts at avoiding eye contact were futile, as he strode over and shook my hand like a long-lost friend. His name tag read ‘Love Doctor’… Damn it, I can’t be seen with him, I thought. Continue reading
So, you’ve finally managed to bag a date with that hot girl from accounts. Grr, you tiger! You want to show her that you’re a true gent, but with a bit of an edge – no-one likes a sap. But what about the awkward meet and greet kiss on the cheek? How many kisses is it these days? You don’t want to accidentally headbutt her by going for the wrong number! Tip: if British, go for the quick one and out. If foreign, count the number of syllables in her country’s name and replicate that with the number of kisses on her cheeks. Holland? Two. Italy? Three. Easy! Avoid going on a date with a girl from the Democratic Republic of Congo. She will feel like she’s on a date with Woody Woodpecker.
If she is foreign, don’t feign interest in her, pretending that you know what she’s talking about, to try and impress her. If she says she’s from Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, don’t ask her how many girls she sung with in the Grenadines and how many hit singles they had. Continue reading
At long last! That handsome bloke that you’ve had you eye on has finally asked you out. How many more hints could he have possibly missed?! So, you go straight home from work to ‘prepare’ for that ‘Tricky First Date’. You want to make this work as you deserve it. You think you stand out from the competition. Why? Two words… de-sire.
But what to wear? Hmm, better empty the entire contents of your wardrobe and try everything on, just in case something looks different on you now to how it did the last time you wore it. You never know; it’s been a while since you popped down the gym. Whilst you’re at it, why not open a bottle of wine to relax you… Leggings? Comfortable but too casual. That slinky black mini-dress? Maybe for the second date. Just go for those tight jeans and top that you bought from Primark. He’ll never know that you only paid £1.99 for it as it looks good quality – Indian children’s hands are so adept at sowing. Continue reading
1. You totally suck at finding the right girl, so out of desperation you’ve decided to give speed dating a try as you’ve grown tired of your left hand and you can’t ‘re-connect’ with your right hand – never go back! It could never be as good as it used to be… But you’re not stupid, you know that girls look for a confident man, so your most important task is to drink enough to make you feel cool, calm and assured. Hell, why not down a couple of whiskey chasers before you start? Don’t worry, the smell of alcohol will merge with your aftershave to create a heady aroma that no woman can refuse.
2. Once proceedings get underway, ensure that you lie about your job. This will make you seem more interesting and you’ve had enough to drink now, so you can blag it if she asks any awkward technical questions. But, to be safe, research how long it takes to become an fighter pilot before you go. Continue reading