Another Internet Girlfriend

Eva, setting fire to a shop in the recent riots

I was thinking just recently. Maybe I shouldn’t have let my doomed relationship with Irina Fluffi and the subsequent threats from her husband Gustav put me off Internet dating. So with that in mind, I replied to a lovely email from a girl called Eva…

From: eva [mailto:aloohaeva@ymail.com]
Sent: 18 July 2011 15:01
To: stewie
Subject: how is your day? Give me please one advice.

Hello !

How is your day? How is your mood today? I hope my letter will find you in good mood.

I don’t remember where I found you. Maybe I found you at any social network or dating site… Really I don’t remember because much time has passed. But in any case I’m glad that now I can write to you. I think it’s cool to talk with someone from another country. Maybe we could share at least a few letters and get to know each other better? Continue reading

Just Too Obvious

“Oh my God… he just asked me if I wanted to go for a drink. He’s just too obvious!” So says the excitable twentysomething to her closest friend. Well, the police didn’t like it when I waited outside your house to ‘accidentally’ bump into you. And you screamed when I sprang from the back seat of your car with a bottle of wine and two glasses. So what’s a guy got to do to get date these days?

Call me old-fashioned if you will, but what ever happened to the days of boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy asks girl out to share a glass or three of bubbly alcoholic liquid? Am I now supposed to believe that this transparent declaration of interest belongs in a bygone era? If what this girl says is now the widely accepted belief, then I guess that I can stop wondering where I have been going wrong.

There will now follow a period of enlightenment. My behaviour will change from rational and logical interaction with the fairer sex to increasingly confusing and erratic interplay, as I seek to find ways to ask girls out without actually asking the question. Continue reading

Dating ‘Mother’

I know how you feel, little guy

Don’t worry, this isn’t one of those Oedipus Complexes that would make Sigmund Freud turn in his grave, twiddling his moustache quizically. It is the tale of another dating woe, from when I had recently moved to London.

There I was, a single man salivating at the thought of what seemed like an endless line of available women, all just a Tube ride away. The world, it seemed, was my oyster. I just had to search amongst the sea of opportunity and grab a shining pearl, whilst obviously avoiding the perils of any non-jewellery producing molluscs, if you catch my drift. But enough of the analogies…

Not knowing where to start, I signed up to Match.com and started the whole ‘getting to know you’ process with London’s finest. With little success. What was wrong with these career girls? Maybe they didn’t actually believe that I was a millionaire playboy with a very big house in the country, his own horse and an interest in polo. It wasn’t too big a lie, I thought. Well, I did sometimes eat mint flavoured polos. Continue reading

Royal Wedding Afternoon Report

Kate Middleton arrives with her father

This report follows the Royal Wedding TM early morning report. My God it was cold this morning. Some spectators wrapped themselves in foil in an effort to keep warm. Up on our prime viewing position we felt the cold wind as it blew in from the North and we swigged back hot cups of tea and coffee whilst we prayed for the time to move quicker and the sun to come out.

By now we were locked inside our building deep inside the secured inner sanctum around Westminster Abbey. We even had our own bobby on the beat – a policeman ready to pounce from behind if we did anything that threatened to disrupt the Royal Wedding TM.

The noise and excitement that had punctuated the air in the previous evening and early morning had gradually given way to hushed expectation. The ‘commoners’ amongst the invited congregation were the first to arrive, including David and Victoria Beckham and Elton John. Continue reading

Royal Wedding Early Morning Report

They obviously had nothing better to do

From: gustavfluffy@hotmail.co.uk
To: stewie
Subject: I come to Royals wedding so we fight
Date: Wed, 27 Apr 2011 16:29:01

Stewie

I come to Landon and we meet in streets and fight for love of wife woman of mine.

Send me adress for you.

Gustav

Him again?! Give me a break… The day before The Royal Wedding TM and Gustav still wants a fight, but no matter, as there are more pressing concerns. Due to security measures that are even tighter than for the Pope visit last year, a group of my colleagues and I chose to sleep overnight in the office, faced with an early morning lockdown.

The crowds really started to build around Westminster Abbey from Thursday morning, joining the over enthusiastic souls who, for some reason, had felt the need to camp since Tuesday. Honestly, there was room along the route if you wanted to come along in the morning! And who could blame them for wanting to witness the most famous celebrity wedding on this date since the marriage of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun. I’m not making that up, it really was on the 29th April 1945! Continue reading

My New Russian Internet Girlfriend

Is that sap or are you just pleased to see me?

I Fight Spam With Spam

Recently I received spam from Russia from a girl looking for love with an Englishman. I love a foreign girl. Especially one who is a calculating spammer, looking to prey on vulnerable, gullible and lonely men. So I replied to see how long I could ‘cyber-date’ her for, dropping subtle and not so subtle hints with each message that would lead a genuine person in to thinking that I’m a complete psychopath to be avoided. This post is a nice accompaniment to My Revenge On An Email Hacker published last year. Let’s play a game!

From: irinafluffi@rambler.ru
Sent: 17 March 2011 14:47
To: stewie
Subject: Hi

Hello. My name is Irina. To me of 28 years. I search here for the man to create serious relations in the future. I shall be very glad if we with you will start to learn each other better. In my following letter I shall write to you more information on me. I have applied my pictures on this letter. I shall wait for your answer. Irina Continue reading

My First Stalker

You don't have to look quite
so surprised to see me

So, with a successful blog which is growing in popularity, was it inevitable that one fan would take things too far? ‘Man of the people’, ‘Studmuffin’ and ‘Leader of men’… these are just some of the descriptions that have never been used to describe me. So it was just a tad surprising to find myself the subject of one misguided bunny boiler’s attentions.

She wasn’t aware of this site; we had ‘met’ when I was new to London and had joined City Socialising, a social network for social misfits who no-one likes people who are looking to widen their circle of friends. She sent me a couple of messages which, although jangling my internal alarm bells, I replied to out of courtesy. I say courtesy, but her name was Ho, and I wasn’t sure if that was really her name or if it was actually a nickname based on her sexual promiscuity. So in reality, Little Stewie was doing the thinking, thereby overruling the more cautious thoughts that I should have paid more attention to. Continue reading