Tag Archives: My Life

Shock Revelation: London Has No Mountains

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I recently bought a new bicycle. I say ‘new’, but it is actually the first one I’ve owned since my teenage years. And my choice of purchase has caused quite a stir. So, did I make the commute to work on a unicycle? No. Or perhaps go ‘retro’ and tackle the ridiculous weight of a Raleigh Chopper? Twice no.

What I actually bought was a mountain bike. I’d been thinking about it for a while, and I finally found the right one. That is, the cheapest one that I could find that is still a decent bike. What I expected to receive was unanimous support from fellow cyclists and a degree of admiration from the couch potatoes who like the thought if cycling, but prefer to watch Glee with a tub of Haagen Daz. But what I actually got, was far less supportive and, quite frankly, stupid. Continue reading →

Bad Manners

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“Good day dear sir. May I commend you on your driving ability. Godspeed to you.“

There are few things in life that bother me more than someone being disrespectful. That really gets my goat. Good manners cost nothing. Why should ignorant people feel that they have the right to disturb my metaphorical goat that was quite happily grazing in its pen of solitude, minding its own business? Some people…

Take the people who are either incredibly unobservant or unbelievably inconsiderate, and pretend not to notice when an elderly passenger gets on the bus. No really, please take them. Away from me. No amount of staring seems to have the desired effect. Continue reading →

A Break From The Norm

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It was a cool, dark Monday evening as I drove to a local sports centre for my team’s six-a-side football match. I was only a bit-part player, but much-needed on this evening, as we had a squad of only six!

After changing into my kit, I made my way out to the pitch-side area, a dark corridor between the astroturf and the tennis courts alongside. I’d only taken a few steps, mindfully looking up to check for stray balls coming my way, when  I suddenly felt myself falling. Automatically, my arms outstretched to break my fall. They straightened at the same time as my hands touched the ground. Yes, my fall had been broken, but I had taken the full impact on my arms, which didn’t have a chance to bend. Continue reading →

My Girlfriend’s Gay Best Friend

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100% gay. Quite possibly 100% stalker too

I’d been seeing my girlfriend for a few months and things were going okay. Nothing earth moving… but then if I wanted that I’d rent a small JCB. As I love travel, it seemed a great idea for me to suggest a holiday with my girlfriend, especially as we found it hard to spend enough quality time alone together. We opted for the sun, sea and superb nightlife of Ibiza, one of Spain’s Balearic islands.

The plans were left open. There was no reason why we couldn’t invite others. A group holiday would be fun. So I sent out some Facebook invites and left her to speak to her friends, whilst I went on a pre-planned trip to Iceland. She had some concerns about whether she could afford it, but I thought that wouldn’t be a problem. Continue reading →

Stalk You Long Time

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Hello! Me again.

We were a few drinks into a night out one balmy February evening, at a massive outside bar in Cha Weng, Koh Samui, one of Thailand’s southern islands. The music was pumping and the hordes of tourists were enjoying the best that Thailand’s nightlife has to offer. Which invariably for some, involves encounters with ladies of the night. But not me. That doesn’t float my boat and I consider if cheating.

So when I was approached by yet another local girl, I kept the conversation brief but civil. I wasn’t interested. She was just after my money, like all the others. I had no intention of spending much time feigning interest just for the sake of it, especially when her English was of the stereotypical south east Asian type. Continue reading →

The One Day Pregnancy

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The other day a fellow student was telling me about a dream she’d had. She was heavily pregnant, despite not being pregnant the day before, but that’s dream logic for you. She visited the hospital for a check up, and coincidentally one of her friends was also due to give birth, yet she was experiencing problems with her pregnancy, so everyone was concerned for her well-being.

Upon being informed of the good health of the baby, the first girl was assured that she had plenty of time before the birth, so she left the hospital and went to buy a magazine. However, once she had left the shop, copy of Mother & Baby in hand, she suddenly went into labour in the street and gave birth within minutes to a screaming infant, presumably as morning commuters tutted at her for blocking a ‘red route’. Continue reading →

That’s Not My Name!

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There are few things more annoying than someone getting your name wrong. Sure, you may have an unusual name but, after the first time people hear it, there’s no reason to mis-spell poor Englebert’s name, is there? And we all know that there are several ways to spell Claire and at least two common ways to spell Steven. Likewise, Stewart can only be spelt in two ways, like the aforementioned, or as ‘Stuart’. That’s it.

Yet some people seem to have great difficulty with using the correct spelling. I even have friends who I’ve known for many years that just can’t seem to grasp the fact that my name is spelt the ‘Scottish way’, despite the fact that I’m English. My parents were Haggis lovers I think…

But all of this, although irritating, I can put up with. What bothers me much more is a fairly recent occurrence. Over the last few months, during my working week, people have started to refer to me as ‘Steward’ in emails. That’s not even a name, it’s an occupation. Continue reading →