Hello! Me again.

We were a few drinks into a night out one balmy February evening, at a massive outside bar in Cha Weng, Koh Samui, one of Thailand’s southern islands. The music was pumping and the hordes of tourists were enjoying the best that Thailand’s nightlife has to offer. Which invariably for some, involves encounters with ladies of the night. But not me. That doesn’t float my boat and I consider if cheating.

So when I was approached by yet another local girl, I kept the conversation brief but civil. I wasn’t interested. She was just after my money, like all the others. I had no intention of spending much time feigning interest just for the sake of it, especially when her English was of the stereotypical south east Asian type. Same same, but different.Whatever you say.I made my excuses and headed to the bar, with my travel buddy in tow. It was about time to get another couple of Singhas. We deliberately went to another part of the bar to avoid the attentions of my new admirer. Yet within minutes she had found us again!

Wow, this girl is persistent. This time I was barely hiding my irritation. But I guess the language barrier ensured that subtle nuances were never going to be enough for her to get the message. So when she went to find the ladies room, we scarpered to another bar.

We were halfway through a competitively fought game of table football, when the girl and her friends appeared, once again, after no more than 15 minutes of freedom in the new venue. I couldn’t believe it. This time, I had to be firm. I do not pay for female company. End of…

“Oh, you don’t have to pay me! I’m a rich Thai!” Really… Well, that makes a difference. Still not interested. But of course, it wasn’t so easy to let her know that without offending her. So whilst I tried to work out a way to let her down gently, we went with the group of girls to another bar. After all, they had local knowledge, so it made sense to allow them to show us the best places.

In bar three, I was growing weary. It’s not that the girl wasn’t pleasant enough. But she was a little on the podgy side for me; a classic result of a wealthy Thai over indulging to flaunt status. There was no other option than to make another run for it, when the opportunity presented itself. Surely she must realise that we’re trying to avoid her? So why would she want to chase around someone who isn’t interested?

I really wasn’t used to having to deal with this kind of attention. Normally it’s the girls who are avoiding me! But this time it worked. She was history. We had a few more drinks and retired for the night. What a bizarre evening!

The following day, we took a ferry to the neighbouring island of Koh Phangan for a full moon party in two night’s time. On the day itself, we went down to the beach early in the evening to get our bearings before most of the expected 10,000 revellers had arrived.

We quickly located somewhere selling the notorious bucket cocktails, that contain Thai whiskey, Thai ‘red bull’ and… something else we weren’t sure about. But it tasted good and did the job, sucked up through straws. Yes, I know, asking for trouble.

The buckets had really started to take effect when, mid-evening,out from a crowd of people appeared a familiar face. Where did I know her from? “Happy Valentine’s Day!”, she said, offering me a single rose. It was her!

Yes, it was the annual day for lovers, I couldn’t criticise her timing. Although we were most defintely not romantically involved. And how the hell did she find me, at her height, in a crowd of so many people?

“I took a speedboat over.” You don’t say. “You won’t give away the rose, will you?” Of course not. There followed another night of us attempting to lose the girl and her friends, admittedly, probably not very well due to the alcohol, and seeing as they kept finding us again quite easily.

Eventually, my resistence weakened. Maybe she was better than nothing wasn’t so bad. I decided to let her hang around. However, those buckets had caused me to be far drunker than I had planned. So when she went off to tell her friends of her success, I kind of… forgot to wait for her to come back and left without her. The one time I didn’t intend to lose her was the one time I managed to! Oh the irony.

But that wasn’t the last I heard from her. I’d given her my number at some point, so she sent me a text asking about my travel plans. And when I returned home I received a midnight phone call. Guess who? “Why you no phone me?” Er, why do you think? “You said you phone me, but you don’t phone me. Why you no phone me?” Give me strength… Nothing says ‘NO’ like cutting off a call. Harsh but true. The girl was deluded and I pity her next tourist victim.