Tag Archives: My Life

What Length Satisfies You?

by in Uncategorized and tagged | 9 Comments

What are you on about?

Get your mind out of the gutter, its not what you think. I just thought that it was time for some feedback about my length… of posts. It’s not that I am having a crisis of confidence, as I’m happy that the longer posts are full of enough content to keep your attention. But I was just wondering what the general consensus was so that I know what to aim for if at all possible.

The poll starts at 400 words. If you struggle with that amount, I suggest that you go back to watching Glee and post a new Facebook status update declaring yourself to be a reincarnated goldfish.

So please vote. And to make you feel like you’re doing the right thing, each vote will help bring a child out of poverty.* Continue reading →

My First Stalker

by in Dating Disasters and tagged , , , | 10 Comments

You don't have to look quite
so surprised to see me

So, with a successful blog which is growing in popularity, was it inevitable that one fan would take things too far? ‘Man of the people’, ‘Studmuffin’ and ‘Leader of men’… these are just some of the descriptions that have never been used to describe me. So it was just a tad surprising to find myself the subject of one misguided bunny boiler’s attentions.

She wasn’t aware of this site; we had ‘met’ when I was new to London and had joined City Socialising, a social network for social misfits who no-one likes people who are looking to widen their circle of friends. She sent me a couple of messages which, although jangling my internal alarm bells, I replied to out of courtesy. I say courtesy, but her name was Ho, and I wasn’t sure if that was really her name or if it was actually a nickname based on her sexual promiscuity. So in reality, Little Stewie was doing the thinking, thereby overruling the more cautious thoughts that I should have paid more attention to. Continue reading →

Grab a Granny Night

by in That's Life! and tagged , , | 7 Comments

Recently I took a trip back to see family and friends in my home town of Bournemouth and had arranged to go out with an old friend for drinks in the evening. He has been down on his luck for a while, so I felt obligated to ensure that we rolled back the years and painted the town red, ideally not with vomit, for old time’s sake. I would have been happy just to down a couple of pints in a local pub, reminiscing about our youth, but my friend was determined to let his hair down, so when he asked where I would like to go, I just said “Anywhere mate.” Now, considering that this was the same friend who, on a recent visit to see me in London, had persuaded me to go to a dodgy hard house club, in which we were mistaken for undercover drugs squad officers by paranoid wide-eyed pillheads, in hindsight I realise that I possibly should have given some guidelines as to what was acceptable.

Bournemouth has a good nightlife, with many bars and clubs full of glamourous girls for us to stare at from the bar, drooling into our pints chat to and impress with our wit and intelligence. Continue reading →

Hired as a Freelance Writer For Grazia… Almost

by in That's Life! and tagged , | 3 Comments

A friend of mine took it upon herself to act as my ‘agent’ to try to get me some freelance work for women’s magazines. Despite my low expectations of success, she went ahead and emailed several editorial contacts with the following message:

Just getting in touch because my friend (Stewart) has been writing a blog that has been causing a bit of a stir amongst my friends. He started off by writing an article called “Online Hating” (about Internet Dating), that was so honest and funny that anyone who ever had the misfortune of a bad date, could immediately identify with it – especially the girls!! He is a good-looking, funny guy with a dry sense of humour and I can imagine him writing “A guy’s point of view” style article in a magazine like Grazia. From the reactions of my friends, I know it would go down a storm! Here is the link. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Continue reading →

A Man and His Moobs

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An ample 'C' cup I would say

There I was, working out in the gym, trying not to let all of my previously documented pet hates of the gym bother me, and trying not to gurn too much with the effort, when out of the corner of my eye I saw her. Sure, she was lightly plump maybe, but probably at least a ‘D’ cup, with just enough of a seductive wobble to be pleasing on the eye. But then she turned towards me and it hit me. In the words of legendary 1980s rapper Tone Loc in his song Funky Cold Medina, it transpired that… ‘Sheila was a man’. As if it wasn’t bad enough that there is far too much ‘cockage’ on show in the gym changing room, I had now just been staring at a man’s jubblies. Oh the horror! Continue reading →

So… Why Are You Single?

by in Dating Disasters and tagged , , , | 22 Comments

Another day, another date and it all seemed to be going very well. But in life’s myriad of social interactions there are some questions that you just don’t ask. Just like demanding to know who has farted in the lift, or seeing an ugly baby and asking if it’s a boy or a girl, you shouldn’t go on a date and ask someone why he or she is single. Why not just shout “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?”, slap me across the face and call me a freak whilst you’re at it, to really make me feel all snugly inside?

And anyway, it takes two to tango, as they say. So, after replying that my date should “… ask the women of London” to find out the answer, I batted the same question straight back at her. Continue reading →

Death To Media-Speak

by in Random Rants and tagged , , | 7 Comments

I’ve been working in the media industry for eight years now. How in God’s name did that happen? I find it mind-numbing in its repetitiveness and all round pretentiousness. If it isn’t colleagues who spend most of the day running into meetings to discuss what-we-discussed-at-the-last-meeting, then it’s media agency idiots who only spend budget with businesses who have taken them out to lavish restaurants or given them other bribes ‘gifts’. And there was me thinking that they might use their positions as media ‘experts’ to analyse all the options for their clients before spending the budgets wisely.

But what really grates with me the most, is the nonsense media jargon that spews forth from people’s mouths, seemingly bypassing their grey matter on the expressway of monotony and repeated, mantra-like, by everyone else as if all other words are banned Continue reading →