There I was, working out in the gym, trying not to let all of my previously documented pet hates of the gym bother me, and trying not to gurn too much with the effort, when out of the corner of my eye I saw her. Sure, she was lightly plump maybe, but probably at least a ‘D’ cup, with just enough of a seductive wobble to be pleasing on the eye. But then she turned towards me and it hit me. In the words of legendary 1980s rapper Tone Loc in his song Funky Cold Medina, it transpired that… ‘Sheila was a man’. As if it wasn’t bad enough that there is far too much ‘cockage’ on show in the gym changing room, I had now just been staring at a man’s jubblies. Oh the horror!
But then, like feeling compelled to stare at a road accident, I couldn’t help but sneak another peek at the moobtastic man. Thoughts crashed through my mind. How had he nurtured such beasts? Was it a misguided but deliberate ploy to attract both men and women, or was it simply the unfortunate effect of steroids and cakes? Can he lick his nipples? It was all so wrong.
Maybe this is a new niche fashion, the opposite to those men who purchase pectoral implants. Why look buff, when you can jiggle? Just look at Simon Cowell. No really, do it. The guy’s a trendsetter. If he can make people like talent shows, then maybe he can pioneer the moob look which his disciples will follow. My God, I always thought that man was pure evil personified, more of a danger to world peace than Kim Jong-Il, but I never thought that he would go so far as to be the moobfather. Anyone for X-Factor branded men’s bras? No, me neither. Oh, but wait… sweet Jesus, men’s bras do actually exist!
How can any man feel anything but shame to have larger breasts than his girlfriend? If he has one of course. It’s time to take a stand. Moobmen out there, rise up from your couches, reject your indolent lifestyle and poor diet and hit the gym. Just don’t pump steroids – there is no quick fix and it will just make you look like the Michelin man’s transsexual cousin.
At least no-one can say that I don’t tackle the burning issues facing modern culture. We’ve all seen moobs and wondered what it must feel like for these men. Maybe you have moobs or know someone close to you that does. So if you feel deeply affected by this issue, then feel free to post comments below and I will give compassionate advice. I won’t laugh, honestly.