Sit Back and Enjoy a Vindapoo

This house comes with full ‘natural fibre’ insulation.

The Unexpected Reality of House Hunting

Once again I am on the lookout for a new place to live. And, as before, it seems that the cost of living in London continues to rise, faster than a cheetah on steroids. A classic case of supply and demand. Or just plain greed. But no matter, armed with the knowledge that I will have to pay at least £700 per month for a flat that makes the homes in Hobbiton look spacious, I recently began the painstaking search for a new place to call… the money pit home.

But of course, all is not as it appears. What looks like a value-for-money, too-good-to-be-missed dream home, often turns out to be something quite different. Continue reading

Umbrellas: the New Penis Extension?

What a beauty. It’s a top of the range model with enough room for three chicks

After the well publicised ‘drought’ of the previous 18 months, the UK has recently been experiencing what can only be referred to as payback. Quicker than you can say “fix the leaks you profit-guarding water fascists” we’ve experienced the highest amount of rainfall recorded, since Noah had the foresight to build an ark and float around for a while. And that’s a fact.

During these last couple of months I have noticed a new phenomenon whilst frantically trying to shield myself from the inclement weather, wondering why my £5 pop-up umbrella isn’t wind-proof, and also seems to be porous. There seem to be many men, Continue reading

Hair We Go Again

This week saw the television appearance of Emer O’Toole, a young lady who has decided not to shave her body hair; going against what she sees as unfair cultural expectations for women. Apparently, she stopped shaving as an ‘experiment’ and stuck with it.

I have a number of issues with this story, over and above the obvious cultural norms debate. Firstly, I’m not sure how refraining from doing something that will lead to inevitable consequences can be termed as an ‘experiment’. It’s a bit like going on hunger strike in an experiment to see if you will lose weight.

Secondly, how the hell was this woman booked for a TV show? Does she have an agent, or did they place an ad somewhere? Or maybe her hairy body has given her notoriety in her home town,or she was pro-active and contacted the producers herself in an effort to seek fame. The mind boggles. Continue reading

Guide To Singles Parties

No-one looks this good at singles parties. Ever.

So you’ve decided that you will take the plunge and give a singles party a try. If you’re a lady, you’ll no doubt opt for the safety-in-numbers approach and ask (or beg, or possibly have to pay for) some of your closest friends (or anyone who you know that is female and single) to go along with you.

If you’re a bloke, then it’s more difficult. If you take a friend, then it has to be someone who is fairly normal, but not someone who can steal the attention of the nicest girls. Or maybe you should just go on your own and try not to give off the impression that you’re a loner who stays in on Saturday nights to watch the Twilight movies with his mother. Continue reading

The Fashion Of Tomarrow

In the news this week it was reported that the coming months will see the latest fashion trend of fruit and vegetable print dresses. Now, I’m not the most fashion conscious of people I must admit, but the prospect of seeing women walking down the road dressed like a display from a greengrocer’s did make me raise an eyebrow.

But it seems that it is something that we may have to get used to. Here are some designs available soon from the trendiest retailers:

Freshly grown in her allotment

Continue reading

Escaping The Headhunters

When you said that you will take no prisoners in finding the right candidate, I had something different in mind…

Now, from reading the headline, you may be wondering when I’ve had the misfortune to encounter cannibals. The truth is, I never had such an experience. The closest I’ve come to that has been negotiating my way through Bangkok’s bar district whilst adeptly avoiding the Thai ladies looking for a ‘trophy’ husband.

What I am actually referring to are recruitment consultants. Seriously. In case you didn’t know, allow me to give you a heads up, as they say. There are no longer recruitment consultants. Or at least, if there are, then they are so 1990s. What this vocation actually involves now, is for a person who represents a company with job vacancies to aggressively seek out the relevant candidates. Whether they’re interested or not.

Except that’s not exactly what happens. Take an example conversation I had with a ‘headhunter’ recently. Hello. “Can I speak to Bob?” No, he left the company having failed miserably to pass his probation period. “Oh… then can I speak to Stewart?” That’s me. “Great, I’m a headhunter.” One that ‘hunts’ for candidates with limited experience, who under-perform so badly that they make Homer Simpson look like a high achiever? I’m all ears… [click…brrrrr] Continue reading