News Just In… Hell Is Real!

So that’s what cabbies mean when they say
they don’t want to go ‘south’ of the river

My twice-weekly trip to university includes a short walk across London Bridge for a connecting train, which allows me the chance to take in the sights. The nearby historic Tower Bridge, the modern skyscrapers of the City of London…. homeless beggars, traffic congestion and a strange little Asian man who hands out free newspapers with a persistent inane grin. Just what the hell has he got to be so happy about?

Nothing really changes. Except one day this week, when a rather large black man obstructed my path, looked me square in the eye, and shouted “REPENT!” Well now, did he see me pretend not to notice the charity collectors outside the station? Surely not.

“HELL IS REAL!” Yes, I know that. I’ve been to Delhi. “HEAVEN IS REAL. TIME IS RUNNING OUT!” Yes, I’m aware of the famous gay nightclub, but I’m not interested in any promotion big boy. I’m sorry but I don’t bat for that team.

“JEEESUS IS WATCHING YOU!” Oh, I get you. You’re not Apostle Jack are you? Continue reading

A Discussion With A Prophet Of God

One of Apostle Jack’s paintings

Recently I had the good fortune to encounter a self-proclaimed messenger of God on the WordPress forum, who had submitted several posts in an effort to publicise his mission. He urged me to visit his blog for an in depth discussion. Who am I to turn down such a glorious opportunity? I dusted down the cape, visited his blog and read this post ‘The Last One’:

I am the LAST of the MAJOR CELESTIAL SPIRITS OF THE ALMIGHTY’S ETERNAL GODHEAD that was chosen and appointed by Him to come forth to receive:”The Passing of the Staff”.

The Passing of the Staff is a Biblical order of the next in line system,of which system is a lenage that the Almighty arranged for certain Major Spirits to come forth IN TURN,and at the TIME APPOINTED to FULFILL…to UVEIL…and to PROPHESY.

After which presentation and purpose thereof have been fulfill the staff is then in readiness to be pass to the next in line.Of which Major Celestial Spirits arranged and appointed by THE ALMIGHTY I am the next and THE LAST ONE that was chosen , appointed,and PREDESTINATED by Him TO COME FORTH TO THE WORLD.” Continue reading

Brand Cyberstalking

Yes, that lingerie would fit you perfectly

Ever looked at goods or services online but decided not to buy at that moment in time? Of course you have. Perhaps you thought that you would like more time to consider your options or check your finances. Maybe you just didn’t like the products available. But wasn’t it strange that when you checked the latest news stories, it just so happened that the very same retailer was advertising on that site? What a coincidence.

The following day, you check out the online weather forecast and the latest sports results. And the same ad is on those sites too! Wow, that company must be really doing well, they have so much money to invest in blanket advertising campaigns, mustn’t they?

Well, no, they probably don’t. What you have experienced is known as ‘behavioural re-targeting’. As you have shown some initial interest in brands by visiting their websites, they know that it takes, on average, seven contacts with a customer before a purchase is made, and believe that it’s perfectly reasonable to follow you around the internet, serving their ads multiple times in a rampant display of overkill, designed to encourage purchases by napalm advertising. Continue reading

The Girl With The Dragon Take Two

This month has seen the release of yet another Hollywood remake, this time of the classic 2009 Swedish film The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. For the uninitiated, the plot is not, as you may think, a cautionary tale of a young Scandinavian girl who holidays in Goa and decides to get a cheap tattoo on her ankle whilst drunk, only to wake up the next day with what looks like elephantiasis. It is in fact a dark psychological thriller, with subtitles for those who don’t know their hurdy from their gurdy.

The remake stars Daniel Craig and Wayne Rooney Rooney Mara, and comes complete with English language script, naturally, and swanky website that has puzzling catchphrases that Yoda would be proud of, such as evil shall with evil be expelled, and what is hidden in snow, comes forth in the thaw. So, if you really can’t be bothered to read subtitles, then you can watch the new version and find out exactly what they hide in the snow. Continue reading

A Crabby Old Fart

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome an interview with a star of the blogging community; the comic genius that is the self-styled Crabby Old Fart who has polarised public opinion discussing ‘The Problem With Young People Today…’

What would you like me to call you – Don, Donald, Crabby Old Fart or Mr Mills?

I’d prefer you didn’t call me – I like to keep my line free for emergencies. I try to limit my use of the telephone to testing 911 response times for police and ambulance. It may sound like an abuse of the system but I feel I have a right to know if an emergency responder is likely to arrive at my house 5 minutes or 45 minutes after my pacemaker goes on the fritz.

But I digress.

I’ve actually addressed this in my comment policy – primarily because I was growing weary of young people referring to me as “pappy” or “f u old dude.”  Here is a small portion of relevant section. Next time, I’d ask that you do your damned homework before sending me these kinds of questions. Continue reading

My New Russian Internet Girlfriend

Is that sap or are you just pleased to see me?

I Fight Spam With Spam

Recently I received spam from Russia from a girl looking for love with an Englishman. I love a foreign girl. Especially one who is a calculating spammer, looking to prey on vulnerable, gullible and lonely men. So I replied to see how long I could ‘cyber-date’ her for, dropping subtle and not so subtle hints with each message that would lead a genuine person in to thinking that I’m a complete psychopath to be avoided. This post is a nice accompaniment to My Revenge On An Email Hacker published last year. Let’s play a game!

Sent: 17 March 2011 14:47
To: stewie
Subject: Hi

Hello. My name is Irina. To me of 28 years. I search here for the man to create serious relations in the future. I shall be very glad if we with you will start to learn each other better. In my following letter I shall write to you more information on me. I have applied my pictures on this letter. I shall wait for your answer. Irina Continue reading

A Leopard and a Caveman

Tour of Sri Lanka – Tissamaharama and Ella

So old, he's been around since Jesus was a boy

I left Galle on a local bus, after having politely declined the offer of a long distance tuktuk ride to my next stop at Tissamaharama (Driver: “It’s only six hours by tuktuk”!). Even though I had to take two roughed-up local buses, it would still be more comfortable and faster than a bloody tuktuk! I say comfortable, but that’s misleading, as there was no air conditioning and the driver was clearly crazy; seemingly surprised when cows failed to move out of the way, causing him to brake sharply. On top of this, the bus soon started to fill up, meaning that I was forced to sit with my legs across my luggage, folding them into numerous yoga positions whilst attempting to meditate myself to Tissamaharama. Unfortunately a local weirdo sat next to me, Continue reading