A Crabby Old Fart

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome an interview with a star of the blogging community; the comic genius that is the self-styled Crabby Old Fart who has polarised public opinion discussing ‘The Problem With Young People Today…’

What would you like me to call you – Don, Donald, Crabby Old Fart or Mr Mills?

I’d prefer you didn’t call me – I like to keep my line free for emergencies. I try to limit my use of the telephone to testing 911 response times for police and ambulance. It may sound like an abuse of the system but I feel I have a right to know if an emergency responder is likely to arrive at my house 5 minutes or 45 minutes after my pacemaker goes on the fritz.

But I digress.

I’ve actually addressed this in my comment policy – primarily because I was growing weary of young people referring to me as “pappy” or “f u old dude.”  Here is a small portion of relevant section. Next time, I’d ask that you do your damned homework before sending me these kinds of questions.

Oh, sorry about that.

If you are under 40 call me “Mr. Mills” or “Sir”.  I’ll let you know if and when it is okay to refer to me by my given name.

If you are between 40 and 60, you may call me Don on your 3rd approved comment or when you sense that we have established a decent, collegial relationship.

If you are over 60 you may call me Don or Donald without receiving prior approval.

Public school friends may still call me “Stinky” and college friends may use the nickname “Scooter” if feeling nostalgic.

As we’ve become quite chummy however, Stewie, we can forget formality and you may call me Don. (Just don’t assume that this means you’ll be named in my will.)

No problem Don, I won’t hold out hope for an inheritance.

Your blog has had phenomenal success since it started. It won’t be too long until you pass the million hits mark. Why do you think it’s been such a success?

I don’t know that I’d call it a phenomenal success. For every 1 person that visits my site another 100,000 seek out pictures of Lolcats, pipe bomb recipes or Selena Gomez chat rooms. When you look at it from that perspective, it’s actually rather depressing.

I wouldn’t call 25,000 hits per month depressing! And what the hell are Lolcats? Cats that laugh out loud? Weird…

I’ll have to look up those pipe bomb recipes. Sounds tasty.

I do feel I’ve been lucky though. The site has done well on social media sites and I’ve been fortunate to pick up a good number of regular readers. If there has been success I’d chalk it up to the fact that the theme is fairly universal and that the posts are – hopefully – somewhat amusing.

They certainly are very amusing.

How much of today’s troubles can be attributed to how young people are raised? 

I’m no Benny Spock but I suspect that parents need to take their share of the blame. Modern child rearing seems to be premised on equal parts coddling and neglect – a dangerous combination.

Still, I maintain that regardless of the horrible psychological trauma caused someone’s parents not buying them an Iphone, there comes a time when people have to stop blaming their sloth, apathy and neck tattoos on a lousy upbringing and start taking responsibility for their own actions and their own destiny.

Don’t you think that old people also have their deficiencies? For example, my 96 year old neighbour lives on her own but is so lazy. She hasn’t collected her mail for over 2 weeks and leaves her lights on all night! Unbelievable…

Sounds to me like there are 2 possible scenarios at play here:

1) She is simply using good judgement.

Leaving the lights on at night helps to deter burglary-inclined young people. It also makes those frequent evening trips to the bathroom much safer.  And as for the mail, well it’s not like she’s going to be receiving hand-written thank you letters from her grandchildren or birthday cards from her ungrateful kin. All that seems to arrive in my mailbox is direct marketing for funeral homes, seniors’ residences and outrageous bills I have no intention of paying.

Or…

2) She’s died and no one has bothered to connect the dots yet.

You may want to pop over and have a look. As a word of caution, if you notice a stronger than usual unpleasant smell emanating from behind the front door, call 911. Tell the dispatchers Don sent you – they know me well.

What?! Poor old Clarence. She can’t have died…

Do you think that the stereotypes of old people are justified. For example, are you forgetful?

I don’t think any stereotypes are justified. Unfortunately, they are endlessly propagated by this generation of bong-smoking, cow-tilting, Ipod-wearing, cannabis-sniffing damned young people.

And no, I am not forgetful. I remember every affront I’ve ever been witness to.

You list a large number of problems with youngsters on your site, so what are the worst things about young people?

That’s a tough one. But if I put aside the idiotic clothes, inane piercings and ill-conceived tattoos for a moment I suppose I’d have to say it’s the fact that they are so materialistic and such rabid consumers.  It seems that every young person has to have the newest, grooviest whizzbangery just as soon as it hits the damned market. It’s a dangerous habit…

Do you have any children? And if so, have they ever displayed any problem behaviours?

I don’t discuss my family life. Even with my family. Sorry.

I’ll take that as a ‘Yes’ and a ‘Yes’ then. Sorry back.

You live in America I believe, so what are your thoughts, from afar, on the riots in England back in August? Is it legitimate to protest against a police shooting by looting shops and burning them down? 

You’ll have to excuse me but I was unaware of any riots.  Here in the United States we don’t tend to pay much attention to events overseas. Most of us wouldn’t be able to find Great Britain on a world map but then again, most of us wouldn’t be able to find America on a world map. In fact, most couldn’t find the world on a world map.

In any case, the last news I heard out of JOE (Jolly Old England) was the sad passing of Sid James. A hell of an actor. I always loved those “Carry On” movies.

Me too. But Sid James died in 1976. Who says bad news travels fast?

To answer your question, though, it is never appropriate to protest anything. Protests are anarchy gone wild and nothing but a haven hippies, subversives and ne’er-do-wells.

By the way, do you know anyone who would like to buy LCD TVs and blu-ray players? I’ve got a few that I don’t need…

Not off hand. My 1974 Magnavox is still working fine, thank you very much. And I have the entire collection of Murder She Wrote on VHS.

More of a Perry Mason fan myself.

Can you put these things in order of importance for you? Boiled candy, cardigans, lists, rocking chairs, mothballs, bowls, Frank Sinatra.

1. Cardigans

2. Lists

3. If you meant bowels instead of bowls than it would be number three. If not, then please disregard.

4. Mothballs

5. Rocking Chairs (though I prefer a good recliner)

Frank Sinatra holds no importance to me whatsoever beyond the fact that I managed to outlive him. He was soft, damn it.

When I referred to ‘bowls’, I was thinking of the game played with balls on a manicured lawn, rather than something that you eat gruel out of. But never mind…

What are your favourite blogs?

I used to read a good number of blogs but must admit that lately I’ve become quite lax. Plus, I never know what time they come on.

And lastly…

Do you think that the stereotypes of old people are justified? For example, are you forgetful?

Stereotypes are always justified – because they’re usually based in some form of truth.

And yes, I have a terrible memory.

Many thanks for taking the time out of your day to answer my questions Don. I know that you had to put off finishing two crosswords and one jigsaw to do so and I feel honoured to have been given priority over puzzles. 

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17 thoughts on “A Crabby Old Fart

  1. Posted on behalf of Woman as she cannot access WordPress sites….

    “Mister Mills!!! congrats on your almost hitting your one millionth hit! I hope that by this time today you actually have!!! I do agree with you when you have said that just because one might have had some issues while being brought up… well… it is basically our own decisions how we turn out because of the choices we make. If we cannot learn from our mistakes… what is the point of being able to vote or hold positions of responsibility?

    I can no longer access your blog due to The Great Firewall of China, but what I loved most about your blog is your ability to mix blunt honesty with humour. Bringing into light a lot of issues and problems in society today.

    The only thing I have never agreed with you on is your post about tall teenagers!!! I cannot hold that against you though it is the truth even if I am a giant dressed in blue today!

    It is great to hear that your blog is getting the success it so rightly deserves.

    Stewie, thank-you for this swell and saucy post!

    w”

    • His site is blocked by the communists? There’s a conspiracy theory in there somewhere. Not sure why you think it was saucy, in fact that seems very wrong, but thanks anyway.

  2. I am so jealous you got to interview the Crabby Old Fart! He is a genius as far as I’m concerned. Excellent work, Stewie and Mr. Mills.

  3. I shamefully have never heard of him before as I’m still a bit of a noob round the WP community, so this was really good to read! Awesome and amusing interview that really shows his personality. I’m looking forward to having a browse around his site as soon as I’ve posted this comment, so thanks Stewie! 🙂

  4. I love Don, but these days I rarely get to visit. There are just not enough hours in the day – when I do visit I am so far behind I rarely comment as I’d be like the 1,000th comment on the article!

    Highly recommend Don (I’m nearly 60 and I’ve got the required number of approved comments) to everyone!

    Great interview!

      • I know why you are single. It doesn’t matter what I say, you are never happy! 😉

        I got in early on yours as I was sitting at the computer when the email notification came through.

        Stop complaining! Or write a post about “The trouble with commentors is….”

  5. Many thanks Stewie for taking the time to chat with me. I enjoyed it a great deal. So much so in fact that I’ve decided to revise my will (I’m now on version 146 in case you’re asked) and to slot you in for your choice of:

    1) a handsome macrame plant hanger
    2) a 4″ in diameter ball of elastic bands
    3) a half box of pipe cleaners (assorted lengths and colors)
    4) two tins corn (creamed)
    5) the September 1963 issue of National Geographic
    6) A box of combs, or
    7) my extra teeth (uppers only – I’ve already left the lowers to my brother)

    Let me know what you decide. All are much sought after,

    Thanks again for chatting, Stewie. I’m enjoying poking around your blog.

    All the best,

    Don

    • Wow, I’m touched. I will choose the plant hanger please. At least if it is hanging at eye height then I should remember to water it. Plants historically have a very short life span in my house.

  6. This interview is fantastic! I feel as though I’ve gained a great deal of insight into the workings of Mr. Mills’ mind. You asked some wonderful leading questions, Stewie. I especially love that last one–had me cracking up!

  7. Oh, this was such a good laugh! 🙂 This guy is hilarious. Your questions really brought out some great responses too.

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