Author Archives: Stewie

Rock The Kasbah

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Ait Benhaddou kasbah

So once again I embarked on a trip with Big Boy, after our successful tour of Iceland in the summer, this time heading to Morocco. On the plane flying over, Big Boy spent hours perusing the Lonely Planet guide-book, making seemingly fastidious notes on potential sights and travel arrangements. Upon arrival it transpired that he had spent all of that time researching what food he would like to try and which restaurants to visit. Priorities now set, we checked in to our Riad after being ripped off by some little street urchins who carted our bags along the narrow alleyways, deep in Marrakech’s medina.

We bumped into a couple of Kiwis on the first night who had paid for some henna tattoos in the souk. They had quickly realised that the lady had tattooed their names on their arms in Arabic, as all of the traders who saw them took great pleasure in shouting out their names as they walked past. As if it wasn’t hard enough to avoid the attentions of persistent hawkers… Continue reading →

’Tis The Season To Be Sorry

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So, about that pay rise boss?

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine, children singing Christian rhyme… but their parents are making fools of themselves at the office Christmas party. What is it about this time of year, that makes seemingly placid and mild-mannered colleagues, suddenly decide that it’s a good idea to drink their own weight in eggnog, before attempting to persuade their boss that they really deserve a much higher salary?

Well… because it’s Chriiistmasss! Let your hair down. If you have some. If you don’t, then why not wear a comedy wig? You have to get into the spirit now, don’t ya? If you don’t laugh at the secret santa gift that you’ve just opened, then clearly you’re just a Scrooge. Plain and simple. Why on Earth would you not find a Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo costume funny? Toilet humour and Christmas theme = win-win. I’m sure no-one will mind you wearing it in Claridges. It is Christmas, after all.

Except that it’s not. As a cost-cutting measure, also known as the ‘Scrooge principle’, your employer has decided to have the Christmas party in November. But on the plus side, at least the mince pies are free this year. Continue reading →

The Menace Of Live Chat

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Look at those fingers, ‘chatting’ away as they do

Once upon a time, in a bygone era, a gentleman would be merrily winding his way down a country lane on his penny farthing, when he would meet the vicar’s wife unexpectedly. Dismounting from his saddle, he would engage the lady with talk of his family and general well-being. This verbal exchange was an example of the first incarnation of live chat. And in real-time, no less. Let’s call this live chat 1.0.

Fast forward to the 21st century. A time when technological developments are so swift that it’s difficult to keep abreast of the latest progress. But safe to say that our lives feel greatly enriched by the myriad of new advances. Everything seems quicker and more efficient. How could we ever cope without such incredible inventions?

But then comes along a widely adopted tool that is actually a backward step. I bring you live chat 2.0: for the customer service operatives who just can’t be bothered to answer a telephone; for the teenager who’s grown tired of prefixing every verbal exchange with “like” or long sighs. Live chat 2.0 is, like, sooo cool. Continue reading →

A Crabby Old Fart

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome an interview with a star of the blogging community; the comic genius that is the self-styled Crabby Old Fart who has polarised public opinion discussing ‘The Problem With Young People Today…’

What would you like me to call you – Don, Donald, Crabby Old Fart or Mr Mills?

I’d prefer you didn’t call me – I like to keep my line free for emergencies. I try to limit my use of the telephone to testing 911 response times for police and ambulance. It may sound like an abuse of the system but I feel I have a right to know if an emergency responder is likely to arrive at my house 5 minutes or 45 minutes after my pacemaker goes on the fritz.

But I digress.

I’ve actually addressed this in my comment policy – primarily because I was growing weary of young people referring to me as “pappy” or “f u old dude.”  Here is a small portion of relevant section. Next time, I’d ask that you do your damned homework before sending me these kinds of questions. Continue reading →

What’s In A Language?

by in That's Life! and tagged | 9 Comments

My recent trip to the US to attend the Burning Man festival was my first visit since 2005 and it got me thinking about the differences between the North American and British dialects, some of which bother me, whilst much of them don’t. English, like many other languages, has far too many anomalies that break the general grammatical rules, so maybe it makes sense to simply things.

Having said that, it’s arguable whether dropping the u from colour and favour is an improvement. Bet then perhaps chopping ue off the end of catalogue and travelogue does make sense.

Although I say I’m not bothered by American English, I know I’m not alone in finding Microsoft dominated computer spell checks infuriating when they highlight correctly spelled words red, even when the UK option is selected, thereby misinforming us that we have made an error when we have not! Continue reading →

Man vs. Woman and Child

by in That's Life! and tagged | 15 Comments

At the end of another busy week, I made my way home as usual, catching the Tube one stop to my connecting overground train. As the train pulled into the station, I made my way to the doors and prepared to disembark and begin the speed walk through the throngs of commuters.

Suddenly I felt a sharp kick on my leg and looked around to see a small girl with her mother. Never mind, kids are so clumsy at that age. But then, seconds later, I felt another kick and turned back to see the same girl scowling as she looked up at me. She couldn’t have been more than 8 years old, but for some reason she thought it appropriate behaviour to kick me for absolutely no reason.

Her mother caught sight of me looking at her daughter, and with the same scowl that clearly is a family trait, shouted at me: “WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?”. Well, your child is kicking me. “So what?” she responded. Continue reading →

My First TV Appearance

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This week I managed to obtain tickets to see the BBC’s filming of an episode of Room 101, in which host Frank Skinner and three panelists debate whether to banish life’s irritations into the mythical room, to be banished from blighting our daily lives for ever more.

In this series, as well as adopting a new format, they also decided to ask audience members prior to the day of filming if they had anything that they would like to exile into Room 101. I thought you’d never ask! Within, quite literally, seconds I had sent a link to my rant about mediaspeak, with a message saying that I would like to forever eliminate office jargon; so-called buzz words or phrases.

A few days later I received a call from one of the production team. He said that they liked the writing style of my blog (Oh shucks, stop it you!) and would like me to feature in the show. Finally I get the recognition I deserve… Continue reading →