I was thinking just recently. Maybe I shouldn’t have let my doomed relationship with Irina Fluffi and the subsequent threats from her husband Gustav put me off Internet dating. So with that in mind, I replied to a lovely email from a girl called Eva…
From: eva [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: 18 July 2011 15:01
Subject: how is your day? Give me please one advice.
How is your day? How is your mood today? I hope my letter will find you in good mood.
I don’t remember where I found you. Maybe I found you at any social network or dating site… Really I don’t remember because much time has passed. But in any case I’m glad that now I can write to you. I think it’s cool to talk with someone from another country. Maybe we could share at least a few letters and get to know each other better?
Maybe we could start a new friendship. Who knows!? By the way where do you live? I was born in Poland and live here now.
I like to learn new people and I’m open for dialogue and for a new friend. And what about you? Maybe you could give a little of your time?
Currently I see new country for my vacation. Could you tell me more about your country? Traditions? I would like any information. I want to thank you in advance. I want to go on vacation for a long time.
Sorry I was not offered [By who?]. My name is Eva. And your? [My… what?] I hope I did not take much of your time. I’ll be glad if you write me soon. I’ll be glad to talk with you. As I have said I am open to discussion.
I’m waiting ….:)
Take care and have a good time!
Bye bye for now!
Subject: RE: how is your day? Give me please one advice.
Date: Mon, 18 Jul 2011 14:44:32
You must have seen me on the website for attractive people only, beautifulpeople.com? They only let the most handsome men register. Thanks for your photograph. I have attached one of me for you to print and keep in your purse.
I love Poland. I’ve never been there, but I know that Polish girls love to get trashed on vodka, so that’s good enough for me! Allow me to offer myself – I am Stewie.
Where I come from we have many farming traditions, such as ram-raiding (not what you may think) and sheepdog trials – which is not a criminal court for naughty dogs, as you may think, it is a test of herding skills.
Tell me more about yourself!
Date: Mon, 18 Jul 2011 23:38:33 +0200
Subject: Hello again!
Hello there Stewie,
Sorry I can’t write to You sooner. I was busy [Yeah, lots of scam emails to write]. How are You? I hope You have a good mood. I wish You a wonderful day!
I would like to tell You a little about myself. I live in Poland, in Warsaw. This is a pretty old town, which have their own charm like all capitals I think. This is a wonderful place to live. River Vistula run through.
Personally I am very hardworking and determined girl. I have my own women’s clothing store here in Warsaw.
It’s a small store, but my clothes are choosing women [Huh?] who have good taste and like to looking perfect.
For me, it is important thing to do what I love. I love to create something new. I always try to look prospects for the future. So I created the design of women’s lingerie.
I have higher education. I graduated from the University of Art and Design. These were unforgettable students years for me. Even in university I did the first and important step for my design of the future.
I live in a suburb of Warsaw in a fairly comfortable home. After my grandmother passed away, her house moved to me [Huh?!]. My mother and her younger sister live in Warsaw in apartment.
I like to embody my ideas into reality. I have an idea, and moreover, it is my dream. I want to work remotely for large corporations who make clothing as a designer. I see this a lot of pluses, It’s the dream of my life.
I love to learn new peoples and I love good and interesting people. I like to spend time outdoors, like leisure, travel and camping. I love the sun and the beach too! I love fruits. It’s my small weakness:) At night I prefer veal [Every night?!] and red wine.
I would be interested to know more about You. What do You do in life? Where do You work? Maybe You like to travel? Do You love to know new people? Do You like to spend time in a women’s company?
I have found You in my contacts. I saved it sometimes ago. Maybe Your contact is from any social network or from any other site. I don’t remember. But I have a note that You are From England.
I look forward to more detailed tale about You. Thanks for Your picture! [It’s a good one isn’t it?] I hope to hear Your reply soon. I wish You good mood! Write to me.
Subject: RE: Hello again!
Date: Tue, 19 Jul 2011 14:30:14
Wow, I’m impressed that you specialise in lingerie. Do you have any photographs?
I am also amazed your grandmother’s house moved to you. In England it is normally people who move in to the houses, as the traffic is bad enough without houses blocking the roads.
I studied at the University of Life in the School of Hard Knocks and graduated with honours! I have furthered my education in prison, which has taught me a lot.
I am disturbed that you eat veal every day. What’s wrong with you? That’s sick. But I am willing to overlook that as you seem attractive and easily lead, which is my ideal woman, even if you are a calf killer.
I can absolutely assure you that, aside from being an animal lover, I love to spend time with women. I would like you to embody your ideas into my body!
Do you receive any good quality porn offers in your inbox? If so, send them on to me. This is great, I can’t wait to receive your next email – I’ve got a good feeling about you!
Date: Fri, 22 Jul 2011 00:46:18 +0200
To: stewiejtSubject: Hey how are you today?
It’s very sunny and it makes me happy. How is weather there?
I want to offer my apologies for this late reply [Only 3 days!]. There were hard days, but I figured out with all my affairs. Now I have time to write You a lot!
Today I decided to go to my mom after work. During dinner we watched old family photos. There were so many memories…photography when I did my first steps, Christmas and other holidays and our family trips.
My mother and father were scientists. They did a research on rivers and lakes in Poland and beyond. In my childhood I have several times taken on camping and now I know that it’s not romantic. This is great work! It is up to parents I learned dedication and patience.
Why are You was in jail? What have You done? By the way about the veal. I love to eat veal and I also love Italian food.
What impression do You have about me? I ask You to send me more your photos. I would also like to hear more about You. You can ask me any questions. I will always answer You.
Now I’m going to sit down to work. I left complete the last details of my design collection. I worked on these past 4 months.
Write me. I will wait for Your answer. Have a nice day!
Subject: RE: Hey how are you today?
Date: Fri, 22 Jul 2011 08:26:47
When you say that you have figured out all your affairs, you’re talking about men aren’t you? Am I not the only man in your life? I hope not, as all I want is for a good relationship with a girl and a happy future life in a big house in the countryside, with lots of kids. I’ve always loved goats.
I wish you’d stop mentioning eating veal. If we get that house together in the future, the goats will be for petting and cuddling only. And gentle caressing. But nothing illegal. And not for killing.
I was sent to jail on a case of mistaken identity for a crime I didn’t commit. Just like the A-Team. I shouldn’t have been punished for a natural act of affection and love.
My impressions about you? I think you’d look great with a bit more make-up and you’re obviously slim which is great. Can you send me photographs of you in your lingerie? I’d like to see your work.
Can you dance the mazurka? I love Polish folk dancing. In lingerie.
Message me soon!
Subject: RE: Hey how are you today?
Date: Fri, 5 Aug 2011 11:06:21
How are you? Why haven’t you replied to my last email – was it something I wrote? I’d love to hear from you. I have a special present waiting for you.
Over a month and still no reply… what is something I said?