Tag Archives: My Life

Royal Wedding Afternoon Report

by in Newsworthy and tagged , , , | 7 Comments
Kate Middleton arrives with her father

This report follows the Royal Wedding TM early morning report. My God it was cold this morning. Some spectators wrapped themselves in foil in an effort to keep warm. Up on our prime viewing position we felt the cold wind as it blew in from the North and we swigged back hot cups of tea and coffee whilst we prayed for the time to move quicker and the sun to come out.

By now we were locked inside our building deep inside the secured inner sanctum around Westminster Abbey. We even had our own bobby on the beat – a policeman ready to pounce from behind if we did anything that threatened to disrupt the Royal Wedding TM.

The noise and excitement that had punctuated the air in the previous evening and early morning had gradually given way to hushed expectation. The ‘commoners’ amongst the invited congregation were the first to arrive, including David and Victoria Beckham and Elton John. Continue reading →

Royal Wedding Early Morning Report

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They obviously had nothing better to do

From: gustavfluffy@hotmail.co.uk
To: stewie
Subject: I come to Royals wedding so we fight
Date: Wed, 27 Apr 2011 16:29:01

Stewie

I come to Landon and we meet in streets and fight for love of wife woman of mine.

Send me adress for you.

Gustav

Him again?! Give me a break… The day before The Royal Wedding TM and Gustav still wants a fight, but no matter, as there are more pressing concerns. Due to security measures that are even tighter than for the Pope visit last year, a group of my colleagues and I chose to sleep overnight in the office, faced with an early morning lockdown.

The crowds really started to build around Westminster Abbey from Thursday morning, joining the over enthusiastic souls who, for some reason, had felt the need to camp since Tuesday. Honestly, there was room along the route if you wanted to come along in the morning! And who could blame them for wanting to witness the most famous celebrity wedding on this date since the marriage of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun. I’m not making that up, it really was on the 29th April 1945! Continue reading →

The Biggest Threat To The Royal Wedding

by in Newsworthy and tagged , , | 13 Comments

The Sanctuary (right) - our balcony on the first floor

The office I work in is situated right next door to Westminster Abbey, the location for The Royal Wedding TM on 29th April. As we have balconies, we thought that we should take advantage of such sought after views and watch The Royal Wedding TM from our exclusive first floor vantage point. What a great opportunity to witness British history in the making? After all, it is rare for proletariat such as us to gain such close access to the aristocracy. Power to the peasants, I say.

But there is only one problem. Our location for The Royal Wedding TM is in the ‘ring of steel’ restricted area, alongside Westminster Abbey, in a security crackdown even bigger than for the Pope’s visit last year. We are literally a stone’s throw from where the action will happen and the police and Palace security are worried that we could, well, throw a stone perhaps, or disrupt proceedings in another way, maybe by throwing a publicity stunt or shouting out ‘FOX MURDERERS!’ when the Duke of Edniburgh and Queen Elizabeth arrive for the service. As if the thought would ever cross my mind… Continue reading →

Threatened By Irina Fluffi’s Husband!

by in Spam Fighting and tagged , , | 16 Comments

Irina Fluffi (right), Gustav Fluffi in the middle?

This won’t any make sense unless you have previously read My New Russian Internet Girlfriend. I recently received this unexpected threatening email from my Russian cyber girlfriend’s husband! His English is even worse than Irina’s. I guess he must have an older version of an auto-translator program on his PC… This must have come from the same source as it was sent to my work email address like the original spam email, even though I replied via my Hotmail account. Weird.

From: Gustav Fluffy [mailto:gustavfluffy@hotmail.co.uk]
Sent: 11 April 2011 17:01
To: stewie
Subject: Why to play games with my woman

To this stewie,

I have in mind you speak with my woman and this my wife woman. You come to Russia and fight like man in army war for woman love.

Gustav Continue reading →

Express Spooning

by in That's Life! and tagged , , | 12 Comments

There’s a certain comfort in close physical contact with a special person. The feel of hot breath on your neck. Your bodies fitting together like two spoons. It just feels so nice and secure. At that moment, life couldn’t be any better, right? But NOT if you find yourself spooning a complete stranger on public transport in London.

The London Underground is notorious for being overcrowded at peak times. Personal space is at a premium, so you learn to make allowances. Did she mean to brush against my butt cheek? Surely not. Does he mind me reading his text message over his shoulder? Okay, he does mind that. Sorry.

When the train carriage is packed and the doors close, sometimes you just have to accept that you have extremely limited personal space and you try to make the best of the one inch gap that you’ve managed to acquire for yourself with some subtle jostling. But there are still rules. Continue reading →

My New Russian Internet Girlfriend

by in All Time Top Posts, Spam Fighting and tagged , , , | 32 Comments

Is that sap or are you just pleased to see me?

I Fight Spam With Spam

Recently I received spam from Russia from a girl looking for love with an Englishman. I love a foreign girl. Especially one who is a calculating spammer, looking to prey on vulnerable, gullible and lonely men. So I replied to see how long I could ‘cyber-date’ her for, dropping subtle and not so subtle hints with each message that would lead a genuine person in to thinking that I’m a complete psychopath to be avoided. This post is a nice accompaniment to My Revenge On An Email Hacker published last year. Let’s play a game!

From: irinafluffi@rambler.ru
Sent: 17 March 2011 14:47
To: stewie
Subject: Hi

Hello. My name is Irina. To me of 28 years. I search here for the man to create serious relations in the future. I shall be very glad if we with you will start to learn each other better. In my following letter I shall write to you more information on me. I have applied my pictures on this letter. I shall wait for your answer. Irina Continue reading →

The Boss From Hell

by in That's Life! and tagged , , | 13 Comments

We’ve all had them. The type of boss who makes you dread the thought of Monday morning so much that you ‘throw a sickie’, or who may even put you under so much pressure that it causes you to be signed-off work with stress. I’ve had a few bad bosses in my time in various sales jobs, from the door-knocking ‘front line’ to office-based and corporate, there has been no escape from the fools.

The commission-only, arse end of sales is, as you can imagine, full of stereotypical dodgy salesmen. Fast talking and creative with the truth, they are impulsive and spend money as fast as they make it, and are so self-centred and focussed on their pursuit of top dollar, that they are the worst managers imaginable should their good sales performance lead to a misguided promotion. Paranoia is always a background influence in the dog-eat-dog sales environment. Continue reading →