The Biggest Threat To The Royal Wedding

The Sanctuary (right) - our balcony on the first floor

The office I work in is situated right next door to Westminster Abbey, the location for The Royal Wedding TM on 29th April. As we have balconies, we thought that we should take advantage of such sought after views and watch The Royal Wedding TM from our exclusive first floor vantage point. What a great opportunity to witness British history in the making? After all, it is rare for proletariat such as us to gain such close access to the aristocracy. Power to the peasants, I say.

But there is only one problem. Our location for The Royal Wedding TM is in the ‘ring of steel’ restricted area, alongside Westminster Abbey, in a security crackdown even bigger than for the Pope’s visit last year. We are literally a stone’s throw from where the action will happen and the police and Palace security are worried that we could, well, throw a stone perhaps, or disrupt proceedings in another way, maybe by throwing a publicity stunt or shouting out ‘FOX MURDERERS!’ when the Duke of Edniburgh and Queen Elizabeth arrive for the service. As if the thought would ever cross my mind…

So when we communicated our intentions to the powers that be, they seemed to make it their goal to persuade us to change our minds, once it was obvious that they couldn’t prevent us from occupying our own office. They made it clear that they couldn’t stop us from being there, but it would be ‘immoral’. Huh? How is that then? Sure, we could easily disrupt proceedings and ruin the wedding but are we the ‘biggest threat to the Royal Wedding’ that they seem to think we are? Paranoia? Just a tad perhaps.

Once the morality argument failed to work, they then tried a scare tactic, letting us know that if we do go out on to your balcony, we will have snipers’ rifles aimed at us in an instant. Yes, but I presume that they won’t shoot unless I produce a gun of my own? This isn’t Syria. I made the mistake of telling my mother about this comment. She is now convinced that I will be murdered whilst reaching for a handkerchief.

The last tactic they tried, and failed with, was to impose a curfew. No-one is allowed in or out of our building on The Royal Wedding TM day itself. No worries, we’ll crash out at the office overnight. I’ll bring the milk and cookies. Plus it will give me enough time to iron my mankini and finish off my ‘’ giant banner… Just kidding.

It’s already finished… So, I’ll be waking up at the crack of dawn to be sniffed in offensive places by police dogs and searched by anti-terror cops, no doubt stopping just short of a full cavity search. They will stop before that, won’t they?

And anyway, I personally think that, rather than assorted office workers and their guests, the biggest threat to The Royal Wedding TM could well just come from anarchist anti-capitalist groups, dissident Irish republican terrorists or quite possibly Muslims Against Crusades, who actually applied to form a protest outside Wesminster Abbey. On the day of the wedding! Unsurprisingly, their request was denied. They still plan to protest along the wedding route by burning effigies of the happy couple. What a joyous occassion that will be.

One of our balconies has been hired by a major TV network. Expect an ‘alternative’ report from me just after the happy couple leave the Abbey. I wonder how the two will compare?

13 thoughts on “The Biggest Threat To The Royal Wedding

    • Thanks. Unfortunately I had to censor what I would originally have posted and I couldn’t give direct quotes. The wall’s have ears! I guess it is a major security headache.

  1. So you weren’t kidding when you told Irina that you’d been ‘invited’ to the royal wedding. Wow, I envy you. Even if you aren’t a big fan of the royal family it should still make for a interesting spectacle. I eagerly await your report on the day.

    • Irina could have had it all… the glamour, the ‘trophy’ boyfriend… 😦

  2. If you are worried about there being a cavity search maybe you should try and bribe the person organizing it all, dont think milk and cookies would work though, you could try chocolate and wine, I hear that always works.

    • Are you talking about bribing the police?! Not sure if that’s advisable. I may bribe the person in charge of hiring the balconies with some alcohol to ensure a prime spot.

    • Yes I will take pics and I don’t like to brag, but my lens is quite long and impressive. Not really a fan of Twitter.

      • I’m not a fan of Twitter either – I’d killed off my Twitter account a long time ago. It seems, however, it was de rigueur for the Australian Best Blogs competition and now I discover a considerable number are going to be Twittering during the event. I don’t think I will be.

        Mind you, I won’t be reaching for Dawn’s razor blades either!

  3. I’ll be watching the joyous event from my lounge in Sydney on Friday night. Perhaps while wearing an op shop wedding dress. Drinking wine. Lots of it. And reaching for the razor blades.

    • Maybe I should wear a wedding dress too. That would get me on TV I think!

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