Tag Archives: My Life

My Month of Prohibition

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At the start of the year, I decided to set myself a challenge: to forgo the pleasures of the demon drink for one full calendar month. The were several reasons for my self-imposed exile from bar street, namely to do with health, money, education and willpower. And if successful, I saw no reason that my little experiment couldn’t form the foundation of a permanent lifestyle change. But it would never herald a new teetotal me. That would just be going too far.

So the results are just in… I can confirm that no alcohol passed my lips for the full duration. Nor did I attempt to snort a line of vodka through my nostrils. I guess that counts as a successful test then, right? Well, sort of.

You see, in my mind, I kind of felt like I cheated a little. Not because I surreptitiously down a couple of shots when no-one was looking, but because from the first Friday night of the new year, I just knew that temptation would be too great if I went into a bar.  Continue reading →

My 0 Seconds of Fame

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So there I was, sitting, waiting for my appearance on the BBC’s Room 101, as described in a previous post, talking about my pet hate of nonsense business buzz words. Strangely I was feeling a little nervous. How hideous would I look and how monotone would my voice sound? Would it be obvious that I had a little prompt card in my hand? I didn’t think so, but anyway, it was necessary to have that card so that I didn’t clam up and make a fool of myself. This was going out to a national audience, after all.

But then as the half hour programme progressed, I started to wonder where my appearance would fit in. The main guests were on good form, as was the host Frank Skinner, as always. So each round lasted seven minutes or so. It must have been difficult to edit the quality content.

And then came make or break time. With seven minutes left, Frank announced what had to be the final round. It wasn’t the ‘audience round’. But luckily, it took less time than previous rounds. There was still time for my moment of glory! Continue reading →

One Month Off Booze

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I’ve never really been one for new year’s resolutions. Unless you have picked up some really anti-social habits in the previous 12 months such as chain-smoking, chewing khat or compulsive public masturbation, then I can’t see the point in starting a new year with a new ‘you’. And why wait for January if you want to make a lifestyle change?

But times have changed. To prove that I’m a hypocrite open to new ideas, I’ve decided to start the new year (well, from the 3rd actually) with a self-imposed ban on alcohol. And I can assure you that it has nothing to do with my recent trip to a Muslim country, where booze was harder to come by and expensive. Neither is it due to a worry that I have a drink problem. I don’t. 

I have, in fact, thought carefully about my reasons for taking on this challenge, and they are (in no particular order of importance): Continue reading →

The Prostitute and the Finger

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The Roman ruins at Volubilis

The second leg of our tour of Morocco continued with a gruelling seven hour taxi ride from the south up to Meknes. In Morocco they have two types of taxis. Petit taxis for the cities and grand taxis for longer journeys. Most of these big taxis are clapped-out old Mercedes that they seem to believe can seat seven in comfort. They can’t. Even a trip with just five of us was tough. Nothing of the luxury from the prime of these Mercedes’ lifetime remains. But at least the roads were half decent most of the way.

Meknes was one of the most pleasant towns in which we stayed, being smaller and more low-key (i.e. less hassle) than the more traditional tourist stops such as Marrakech. We were lucky that the nearest mosque to our riad had a call to prayer sang beautifully in the early morning. It certainly made a difference to the awful racket most of the others make. Continue reading →

Rock The Kasbah

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Ait Benhaddou kasbah

So once again I embarked on a trip with Big Boy, after our successful tour of Iceland in the summer, this time heading to Morocco. On the plane flying over, Big Boy spent hours perusing the Lonely Planet guide-book, making seemingly fastidious notes on potential sights and travel arrangements. Upon arrival it transpired that he had spent all of that time researching what food he would like to try and which restaurants to visit. Priorities now set, we checked in to our Riad after being ripped off by some little street urchins who carted our bags along the narrow alleyways, deep in Marrakech’s medina.

We bumped into a couple of Kiwis on the first night who had paid for some henna tattoos in the souk. They had quickly realised that the lady had tattooed their names on their arms in Arabic, as all of the traders who saw them took great pleasure in shouting out their names as they walked past. As if it wasn’t hard enough to avoid the attentions of persistent hawkers… Continue reading →

’Tis The Season To Be Sorry

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So, about that pay rise boss?

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine, children singing Christian rhyme… but their parents are making fools of themselves at the office Christmas party. What is it about this time of year, that makes seemingly placid and mild-mannered colleagues, suddenly decide that it’s a good idea to drink their own weight in eggnog, before attempting to persuade their boss that they really deserve a much higher salary?

Well… because it’s Chriiistmasss! Let your hair down. If you have some. If you don’t, then why not wear a comedy wig? You have to get into the spirit now, don’t ya? If you don’t laugh at the secret santa gift that you’ve just opened, then clearly you’re just a Scrooge. Plain and simple. Why on Earth would you not find a Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo costume funny? Toilet humour and Christmas theme = win-win. I’m sure no-one will mind you wearing it in Claridges. It is Christmas, after all.

Except that it’s not. As a cost-cutting measure, also known as the ‘Scrooge principle’, your employer has decided to have the Christmas party in November. But on the plus side, at least the mince pies are free this year. Continue reading →

Man vs. Woman and Child

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At the end of another busy week, I made my way home as usual, catching the Tube one stop to my connecting overground train. As the train pulled into the station, I made my way to the doors and prepared to disembark and begin the speed walk through the throngs of commuters.

Suddenly I felt a sharp kick on my leg and looked around to see a small girl with her mother. Never mind, kids are so clumsy at that age. But then, seconds later, I felt another kick and turned back to see the same girl scowling as she looked up at me. She couldn’t have been more than 8 years old, but for some reason she thought it appropriate behaviour to kick me for absolutely no reason.

Her mother caught sight of me looking at her daughter, and with the same scowl that clearly is a family trait, shouted at me: “WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?”. Well, your child is kicking me. “So what?” she responded. Continue reading →