Two Fat Ladies

☀ by Stewie in Random Rants and tagged Culture, Humour, My Life | 6 Comments

: Oversized marker pens ready, pacemakers set to ‘stun’?

EIGHTY-EIGHT! Somebody please kill me now. That was my thought the one and only time that I have played bingo, a game that is inexplicably popular across the Western world. I say ‘game’ but it’s not really a game, it’s just crossing off numbers.

I just don’t get it. The prizes are less than appealing, there’s very little meaningful social interaction and it’s just dull. So, so dull. It’s so tragic that ‘they’ had to make up quirky nicknames for the numbers, which are recited in unison by the players, just to inject some humour into proceedings. And presumably to also ensure that everyone is still awake.

Mainly because the stereotypical bingo player, the ones who spend quite literally tens of pounds on several game cards, are generally older ladies who are actually happy to consume the fast food on sale in bingo halls. Yes, two fat ladies are indeed a common sight. Continue reading →

Further Discussions With The Prophet

☀ by Stewie in Spam Fighting and tagged Culture, Humour, Religion | 6 Comments

Stop bothering me Jack, or else this lightening bolt’s for your butt!

A WordPress member and self-proclaimed messenger of God known as Apostle Jack recently reappeared on the forum for a second time, posting several topics designed to stimulate debate and promote his misguided religious cause.

I tried to resist temptation, in the true biblical sense, but this fool deserved to be mocked for spamming the forum to spread his twisted beliefs and delusions of grandeur.

What follows are four separate topics, each neatly headed by Apostle Jack himself.

‘Conversion’

apostlejack7
Aug 7, 2011, 4:41 PM

If you had to,would you change your opinion about your faith.I have witness the turn around and conversion of many people,some of whom said they never would.Some will never know until they meet the bear in the alley.Some will hear about it and never take that route…..and some refuse to be told.And then there is.. THE WISE:…those that go around what others have to go through and suffer. Continue reading →

I Reply To A Car Sale Scam

☀ by Stewie in Spam Fighting and tagged Culture, Humour | 8 Comments

Having heard of scammers targeting online car sales sites, I was only too happy to dust down the spamfighting cape and spring into action!

The mission: to raise false hopes and irritate.

From: james wright [mailto:jmswrght25@googlemail.com]
Sent: 30 June 2011 10:52
To: stewie
Subject: BMW 3 SERIES 325i SE 4dr Saloon £2795 (9 miles)

Dear Seller,

I saw you Car advert on the internet website for sale and am interested in buying it. So i will like you to kindly get back to me soonest with the details of the Car below:-

*Present condition
*Last asking price
*Current Pictures

And Method of payment is Bank Draft. If you’re satisfied kindly get back to me for further arrangements. Continue reading →

Volcanoes and Penises

☀ by Stewie in Travel and tagged Culture, Humour, My Life, Travel | 10 Comments

Krafla volcano with Big Boy charging ahead. Again. He waits for no man!

Tour of Iceland: Godafoss, Myvatn, Husavik, Jokulsargljufur, Glymur, Blue Lagoon

The final leg of our tour of Iceland saw my travelling companion Big Boy change his fascination with Icelandic horses to an interest in the local sheep. “They have multi-coloured sheep. Black and white.” Well, that’s not exactly multi-coloured, and you only mentioned that when you saw a black sheep didn’t you? Sheep racist.

First stop of the day was the stunning Godafoss waterfall in Fossholl, conveniently located 10 minutes from the road, meaning that we could continue on our way to the beautiful Lake Myvatn without much delay. The lake itself has lush vegetation on one side and largely barren volcanic rock on the other. Weird. The attractive side also has the impressive sites of the Skutustadir pseudo-craters (looking very crater-like to me, but what do I know), towering lava rock formations at Dimmuborgir, and Hverfjall volcano, which we climbed up and into, whilst stumbling over loose rocks and gravel. Continue reading →

Strongmen and Geek Chic

☀ by Stewie in Travel and tagged Culture, Humour, My Life, Travel | 7 Comments

Hallgrimskirja church in Reykjavik

Tour of Iceland: Reykjavik, Golden Circle, Borganes

Another year, another tour, this time to the land of fire and ice, accompanied by a close friend of a whole 6 months, who I have socialised with only around 10 times. But he was up for the adventure, so the plans were made. He will go by the name of Big Boy to preserve his anonymity and with good reason too.

As we went through airport security we encountered flashy new automated scanners. I whizzed through effortlessly, but turned around to see Big Boy looking puzzled. He saw the notice that read “Face down” and wrongly assumed that he should place his face over the scanner, rather than holding his passport there! I just wish more people were there to witness such hilarity. Alas, that was the end of the good humour as we discovered a long flight delay was in store.

When we finally landed in Reykjavik we experienced a disorientating lack of darkness, even at 4am. It just seemed like dusk as we headed through the barren volcanic landscape to the city. Continue reading →

First Anniversary

☀ by Stewie in That's Life! and tagged Humour, My Life | 24 Comments

This month sees the first anniversary of the creation of This Little Thing Called Life. Those eagle-eyed among you may have noticed that there are several posts dating from a few years back, but they were in fact published within the last year and I simply backdated them to when they were originally spawned. I’m pedantic like that.

What started out as Stewie On Life with a few random travel, dating and email hacker articles has evolved to what you see now; a site that is officially ranked 4,276,610th in the world by Alexa.com. I’m nearly lost for words. Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected to break into the top 5 million websites out of, probably, 2 trillion websites currently in cyberspace.

And to all the Canadians out there, I salute you! You’ve helped to make this site 102,809th most popular site in your country. And for that, I can finally forgive your country for giving birth to Alanis Morissette, Celine Dion and Bryan Adams – his song ‘Everything I do, I do it for Stew’ stayed at number 1 in the UK singles chart for SEVENTEEN WEEKS DAMN IT! Continue reading →

The Unofficial Tube Guide

☀ by Stewie in That's Life! and tagged Culture, Humour | 12 Comments

The London Underground, a.k.a. The Tube, is the world’s oldest subterranean train network and essential for the daily drone-like commute of thousands of unhappy people every day. I say ‘unhappy’ as, despite the many positive aspects of the network of eleven lines and 270 stations, travelling on The Tube can be fraught with perils for unsuspecting tourists.

And I’m not just referring to THE GAP. The most important thing to be aware of before venturing into the depths of the Underground, THE GAP is what most Londoners fear the most. This notorious space between the train and the platform may only be a couple of inches in places, varying up to, er, several inches in other places, but it has mysterious magnetic forces that can catch unsuspecting travellers unaware. In fact many men are lost each year to THE GAP, having underestimated how much two inches actually is. Their girlfriends survive.

Do you have an Oyster Card? Of course not, you have no intention of buying shellfish. But it’s not used for that silly! It’s a swipe card that provides a cheap way to travel. It is designed to malfunction at peak periods for no apparent reason, thus causing commuters to back up behind you thinking you’re too poor to top up the credit. This is normal. Simply rotate the card clockwise, then anti-clockwise… then clockwise again. And take a step back before firmly pushing the card against the sensor. It knows if you are not trying. Continue reading →