Two Fat Ladies

by in Random Rants and tagged , , | 6 Comments
Oversized marker pens ready, pacemakers set to ‘stun’?

EIGHTY-EIGHT! Somebody please kill me now. That was my thought the one and only time that I have played bingo, a game that is inexplicably popular across the Western world. I say ‘game’ but it’s not really a game, it’s just crossing off numbers.

I just don’t get it. The prizes are less than appealing, there’s very little meaningful social interaction and it’s just dull. So, so dull. It’s so tragic that ‘they’ had to make up quirky nicknames for the numbers, which are recited in unison by the players, just to inject some humour into proceedings. And presumably to also ensure that everyone is still awake.

Mainly because the stereotypical bingo player, the ones who spend quite literally tens of pounds on several game cards, are generally older ladies who are actually happy to consume the fast food on sale in bingo halls. Yes, two fat ladies are indeed a common sight. Continue reading →

Further Discussions With The Prophet

by in Spam Fighting and tagged , , | 6 Comments

Stop bothering me Jack, or else this lightening bolt’s for your butt!

A WordPress member and self-proclaimed messenger of God known as Apostle Jack recently reappeared on the forum for a second time, posting several topics designed to stimulate debate and promote his misguided religious cause.

I tried to resist temptation, in the true biblical sense, but this fool deserved to be mocked for spamming the forum to spread his twisted beliefs and delusions of grandeur.

What follows are four separate topics, each neatly headed by Apostle Jack himself.

‘Conversion’

apostlejack7
Aug 7, 2011, 4:41 PM

If you had to,would you change your opinion about your faith.I have witness the turn around and conversion of many people,some of whom said they never would.Some will never know until they meet the bear in the alley.Some will hear about it and never take that route…..and some refuse to be told.And then there is.. THE WISE:…those that go around what others have to go through and suffer. Continue reading →

Anarchy In The UK

by in Newsworthy and tagged | 12 Comments

House of Reeves set ablaze in Croydon

Mark Duggan, a father of four from North London, was shot dead by police on Thursday 4th August. Like every death in police incidents, it immediately became a case that the Independent Police Complaints Commission would investigate. However, whilst the legal procedure was set in motion, social media speculation quickly gathered momentum. Rumours abounded: Duggan was unarmed; he was shot, execution style. In fact, he was actually carrying an illegal firearm and he was shot in a minicab as officers attempted to arrest him. The inquiry continues and, whilst it is clear that Duggan was no angel, it is tragic that four innocent children will have to grow up without their father.

No-one could have predicted what would follow. On the following Saturday, a peaceful protest against the killing swelled in numbers and grew violent, with mobs rioting with police, looting and setting fire to cars and properties in Tottenham. Copycat disturbances London over the next two days quickly spread to other parts of England, as police resources were stretched to breaking point by gangs of rioters as young as 10 years old. Continue reading →

Long For Donkey Kong

by in That's Life! and tagged , | 8 Comments

I realise that using ‘donkey’, ‘long’ and ‘kong’ in the post title may result in dubious search traffic looking for bestiality sites. Especially now that I have mentioned ‘bestiality’ in the first sentence. Oops, did it again. But this article isn’t about longing for donkeys as such. God, where am I going with this…

I am in fact referring to the retro computer game, first played in the days when you did actually need a PC to play games, before the age of consoles. But this isn’t a nerdy piece bestowing the virtues of an old computer game. It is actually about the days of yesteryear, when a little Stewie (a mere 5’11) was still living with his parents and going to school, with a mind obsessed with football and cars.

The 1980s were a time when life was simpler and fun. Ignoring recession, mass strikes, a hurricane, only four channels of TV and no internet, of course. But as a child, such negativity was soon brushed off. Continue reading →

To Tweet Or Not To Tweet?

by in Random Rants and tagged , | 16 Comments

That is the question. Those eagle-eyed of you, and I’m sure there are many, may have noticed the shiny new social media links on the right hand side menu; therein making it quite clear what my stance is. Yes, I am firmly embraced in a loving clinch with Twitter and Facebook, afraid that if I let go and fail to heap enough attention, those demanding social media bitches will leave me wanting more. Needing more.

You see, that’s the thing with social media websites. You may resist for a while, then eventually succumb and open an account. And that’s when the pain starts. Sure, you can input the bare minimum of information and spread the word a little, hoping that your friends will do the evangelising for you.

But then comes a time when you realise that maybe, just maybe, your friends and acquaintances are not actually that influential, so you will have to put in some elbow grease, and actually exert time and energy into making your Twitter and book of faces pages exactly how you want them, and how the online guides say they should be. Continue reading →

I Reply To A Car Sale Scam

by in Spam Fighting and tagged , | 8 Comments

Having heard of scammers targeting online car sales sites, I was only too happy to dust down the spamfighting cape and spring into action!

The mission: to raise false hopes and irritate.

From: james wright [mailto:jmswrght25@googlemail.com]
Sent: 30 June 2011 10:52
To: stewie
Subject: BMW 3 SERIES 325i SE 4dr Saloon £2795 (9 miles)

Dear Seller,

I saw you Car advert on the internet website for sale and am interested in buying it. So i will like you to kindly get back to me soonest with the details of the Car below:-

*Present condition
*Last asking price
*Current Pictures

And Method of payment is Bank Draft. If you’re satisfied kindly get back to me for further arrangements. Continue reading →

Volcanoes and Penises

by in Travel and tagged , , , | 10 Comments

Krafla volcano with Big Boy charging ahead. Again. He waits for no man!

Tour of Iceland: Godafoss, Myvatn, Husavik, Jokulsargljufur, Glymur, Blue Lagoon

The final leg of our tour of Iceland saw my travelling companion Big Boy change his fascination with Icelandic horses to an interest in the local sheep. “They have multi-coloured sheep. Black and white.” Well, that’s not exactly multi-coloured, and you only mentioned that when you saw a black sheep didn’t you? Sheep racist.

First stop of the day was the stunning Godafoss waterfall in Fossholl, conveniently located 10 minutes from the road, meaning that we could continue on our way to the beautiful Lake Myvatn without much delay. The lake itself has lush vegetation on one side and largely barren volcanic rock on the other. Weird. The attractive side also has the impressive sites of the Skutustadir pseudo-craters (looking very crater-like to me, but what do I know), towering lava rock formations at Dimmuborgir, and Hverfjall volcano, which we climbed up and into, whilst stumbling over loose rocks and gravel. Continue reading →