Category Archives: Random Rants

London Bids For The Gay Games

by in Random Rants and tagged , | 6 Comments
The official kit for the rugby caused some controversy

The official kit for the rugby caused some controversy

For those of you who may have missed it, London has made a determined bid to keep the Olympic legacy alive, by applying to host the 2018 Gay Games. Yes, this actually exists, I kid you not. The next ‘event’ will be held next year in Cleveland. And they actually think that there will be enough spectator interest to use some of the Olympic venues.

So what does the Gay Games actually involve? Perhaps games of ‘chase me’ or Twister? Or touch rugby? Well no, not those it seems. Putting aside silly stereotypes, it has a full array of sports such as cycling, football and golf. But also slightly unusual events such as rodeo and bodybuilding, as well as ‘Dancesport’, which apparently is competitive ballroom dancing. Well, if they have golf… Continue reading →

Welcome to London 51.5171° N, 0.1062° W

by in Random Rants and tagged | 6 Comments

I’m sick of it. I swear, if one more foreigner complains about the weather in the UK, I might just scream. We know that when it’s summer it should be sunny and warm. We understand that you are unhappy with the unpredictable nature of the weather. We don’t like it either. We also realise, that where you come from has much better weather. Bully for you. You do understand that we have no control over our weather patterns, right? If you persist with your complaining we may just forcefully kick your butt back to whichever utopian paradise you claim as your own.Usain Bolt was recently asked what he thought of the UK. “It’s alright, apart from the weather”, he said. Thanks for that Usain.

It’s a bit like me saying that Jamaica is alright apart from the poverty and fear of violent crime. Continue reading →

Umbrellas: the New Penis Extension?

by in Random Rants and tagged , , | 12 Comments

“What a beauty. It’s a top of the range model with enough room for three chicks“

After the well publicised ‘drought’ of the previous 18 months, the UK has recently been experiencing what can only be referred to as payback. Quicker than you can say “fix the leaks you profit-guarding water fascists” we’ve experienced the highest amount of rainfall recorded, since Noah had the foresight to build an ark and float around for a while. And that’s a fact.

During these last couple of months I have noticed a new phenomenon whilst frantically trying to shield myself from the inclement weather, wondering why my £5 pop-up umbrella isn’t wind-proof, and also seems to be porous. There seem to be many men, Continue reading →

Shock Revelation: London Has No Mountains

by in Random Rants and tagged , | 4 Comments

I recently bought a new bicycle. I say ‘new’, but it is actually the first one I’ve owned since my teenage years. And my choice of purchase has caused quite a stir. So, did I make the commute to work on a unicycle? No. Or perhaps go ‘retro’ and tackle the ridiculous weight of a Raleigh Chopper? Twice no.

What I actually bought was a mountain bike. I’d been thinking about it for a while, and I finally found the right one. That is, the cheapest one that I could find that is still a decent bike. What I expected to receive was unanimous support from fellow cyclists and a degree of admiration from the couch potatoes who like the thought if cycling, but prefer to watch Glee with a tub of Haagen Daz. But what I actually got, was far less supportive and, quite frankly, stupid. Continue reading →

Bad Manners

by in Random Rants and tagged , | 11 Comments

“Good day dear sir. May I commend you on your driving ability. Godspeed to you.“

There are few things in life that bother me more than someone being disrespectful. That really gets my goat. Good manners cost nothing. Why should ignorant people feel that they have the right to disturb my metaphorical goat that was quite happily grazing in its pen of solitude, minding its own business? Some people…

Take the people who are either incredibly unobservant or unbelievably inconsiderate, and pretend not to notice when an elderly passenger gets on the bus. No really, please take them. Away from me. No amount of staring seems to have the desired effect. Continue reading →

Escaping The Headhunters

by in Random Rants and tagged , | 9 Comments

When you said that you will take no prisoners in finding the right candidate, I had something different in mind…

Now, from reading the headline, you may be wondering when I’ve had the misfortune to encounter cannibals. The truth is, I never had such an experience. The closest I’ve come to that has been negotiating my way through Bangkok’s bar district whilst adeptly avoiding the Thai ladies looking for a ‘trophy’ husband.

What I am actually referring to are recruitment consultants. Seriously. In case you didn’t know, allow me to give you a heads up, as they say. There are no longer recruitment consultants. Or at least, if there are, then they are so 1990s. What this vocation actually involves now, is for a person who represents a company with job vacancies to aggressively seek out the relevant candidates. Whether they’re interested or not.

Except that’s not exactly what happens. Take an example conversation I had with a ‘headhunter’ recently. Hello. “Can I speak to Bob?” No, he left the company having failed miserably to pass his probation period. “Oh… then can I speak to Stewart?” That’s me. “Great, I’m a headhunter.” One that ‘hunts’ for candidates with limited experience, who under-perform so badly that they make Homer Simpson look like a high achiever? I’m all ears… [click…brrrrr] Continue reading →

That’s Not My Name!

by in Random Rants and tagged , | 12 Comments

There are few things more annoying than someone getting your name wrong. Sure, you may have an unusual name but, after the first time people hear it, there’s no reason to mis-spell poor Englebert’s name, is there? And we all know that there are several ways to spell Claire and at least two common ways to spell Steven. Likewise, Stewart can only be spelt in two ways, like the aforementioned, or as ‘Stuart’. That’s it.

Yet some people seem to have great difficulty with using the correct spelling. I even have friends who I’ve known for many years that just can’t seem to grasp the fact that my name is spelt the ‘Scottish way’, despite the fact that I’m English. My parents were Haggis lovers I think…

But all of this, although irritating, I can put up with. What bothers me much more is a fairly recent occurrence. Over the last few months, during my working week, people have started to refer to me as ‘Steward’ in emails. That’s not even a name, it’s an occupation. Continue reading →