Having been to a few speed dating ‘events’ of various descriptions, I vowed to never waste my time in such a way again! But a friend recently persuaded me to attend a singles night/speed dating evening and offered to buy me drinks – done deal! After all, how bad could it be? The evening required prior online registration which seemed innocuous enough, but some muppet had decided to give out name tags with our chosen registration pseudonym, rather than our actual first names! Luckily I was just StewieJT (not ideal, but not embarrassing either), but as soon as I arrived I noticed a guy that I’d met a few months previously, and would rather avoid. Unfortunately, my attempts at avoiding eye contact were futile, as he strode over and shook my hand like a long-lost friend. His name tag read ‘Love Doctor’… Damn it, I can’t be seen with him, I thought.

It’s a God-given certainty that anyone who feels the need to create an internet persona that proclaims sexual prowess is actually a social outcast, probably with small-man syndrome and stalker tendencies. Just like the man who was standing next to me. Several long minutes later, I saw my friend arriving and, after thanking Love Doctor for his kind offer to be my wing man for the evening, I side-stepped away like an olympic crab to the safety of my buddy and his wallet – get the beers in! Unfortunately, there was also an incredibly annoying guy there, called ‘Sir Love-a-lot’ who was wearing a comedy tie which shouted out STAY AWAY to all the women present. Alas, it was impossible to avoid this rather porky loser, as he kept crashing conversations with the most inane comments ever uttered, such as: “Have you ever thought of robbing a bank?” No, Sir Love-a-Lot, but I have thought of punching you in the face repeatedly.

Some of the women were quite scary too. There was a group of Chinese girls, one of whom kept staring at me like I was Brad Clooney or someone. Easy tigress, you’re freaking me out, this is not normal, I thought. One of her friends approached me later to tell me that one of her friends liked me. Oh my God, I’ve regressed and I’m back in the school playground! Except that I didn’t talk to girls at school of course.

When the speed dating session started, I came face-to-face with one of the Chinese group. Her name was Ting Ting. “Oh, I like your music” I joked, to be met with a blank look and tumbleweed rolling past. I then attempted to explain that I was referring to the Ting Tings music band but the poor girl could barely speak English, so it just got more and more uncomfortable – how long can three minutes take?! God, please take me now and deliver me from this torment. Why do I put myself in these situations? Much as I enjoy meeting life’s oddballs and trying to crowd around the few attractive girls at these ‘events’, I’ve really had enough of these shenanigans – my mate owes me big time for this!