Those of you who use the retailer Amazon (and that’s probably most of you), may have noticed the fairly recent trend of the friendly multi-national giant helpfully suggesting alternative products for us to buy. Because they care. Such a helpful bunch.
For example, Amazon recommends Dexter on blu-ray because you purchased Six Feet Under. Makes perfect sense as those two series have similar dark humour and plot lines. Or Amazon recommends this ball bearing gun because you purchased the book ‘How best to kill squirrels in a slow and painful manner.’ Didn’t happen, but you get the gist.
But you can surely imagine my surprise when I received the following unexplained suggestion:
I was just about ready to go to work, so I leant over the bed to give my girlfriend a goodbye kiss. “GRRR!” she growled in a high-pitched, insane angry cat tone, as she turned her face away from me, causing my lips to slither, snail-like across her cheek. Not the kind of kiss I was expecting, I said out of the corner of my mouth. I quickly scanned the previous day’s memories in an attempt to ascertain what heinous crime I had committed.
No results found
Okay then, you win. What’s wrong? “You woke me up by talking in your sleep.” Is that all? “You shouted: ‘QUICK, PUT THE PHONE DOWN, HE’S COMING!’ It gave me a fright and I couldn’t go back to sleep.” Oh… that’s weird.
Having been suitably admonished for my unconscious misdemeanour, I trudged off to work. Well, I actually jogged, but ‘trudged’ is more apt description of my running style. A passing colleague once told me that I “looked terrible”. Enough said. And thanks for that. Continue reading
You must all have been exposed to the hilarity that was caused recently upon hearing the ‘news’ that Kanye West had chosen to call his baby North West, because it’s the highest point in the parents’ relationship and, well, it just doesn’t get any higher than ‘north’, does it? Quite right. Except that the child’s full name is North West, so it’s just ever so slightly skew-whiff of north, if we’re being pedantic. And we are Kanye, we most certainly are.
So this got me thinking about other ridiculous and ill-thought baby names from parents who seem unable to grasp the concept that their baby will grow up to become an adult who is bitter and resentful at being named with such disregard for their feelings.
Of course there are other well-publicised celebrity baby name disasters, which I’ve noticed often fall in particular categories. There are those named after favourite fruit – Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow/Chris Martin) and Peaches (Bob Geldoff); those with lunar obsessions – Moonunit (Frank Zappa) and Sage Moonblood (Sylvester Stallone); the place conceived (perhaps?) – Brooklyn (Beckham) and Egypt (Alicia Keys); and the just downright weird – Pilot Inspektor (actor Jason Lee) and Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette). My personal favourite name is Neville Neville (father of footballers Gary and Phil Neville). Not really a celebrity, but so good, they named him twice… possibly.
I’ve got absolutely no time for fortune tellers, psychics or whatever they want to call themselves. There is absolutely no evidence to back up their ludicrous claims and most simply prey on the vulnerable. To me they do nothing but fill the world with ‘spam’ by giving false hope. But, as I’m a hypocrite and willing to give anything a try once, I contacted one that had been recommended online.
Subject: Email reading
I saw your contact details listed on the forum of Sofeminine.co.uk – obviously I’m not feminine but I’m in touch with my feminine side. Nothing wrong with that. I’m not embarrassed.
It’s perfectly normal. Lots of men are like that. Anyway, I was wondering about the logistics of your email sessions. Do you charge £25 for the whole email correspondence, as if it was a long conversation? Or would it simply be one email from you and that’s it? No replies allowed, no dialogue. Which would be very expensive!
I look forward to your reply.
Stewie Continue reading
A picture paints a thousand words, apparently. So just look at these classic profiles on the business network LinkedIn.com and wonder how it is that these people thought that it could ever be a good idea to portray themselves to potential business contacts in such unusual ways, leaving you ultimately lost for words to express your feelings.
Step forward Mr Scott, the self-proclaimed ‘Founder Potential’, whatever that means. His role ‘is to advise, laugh, argue with people’. His first job was being Mickey Mouse for Walt Disney. Who are we to disagree? FAIL!
If you’ve arrived here via one of the many search engines out there, then I can only assume that you have an interest in an Islamist freedom fighting group based in the Philippines, as reported by Al Jazeera… Who doesn’t?
Okay, I know that’s not true. You actually have an interest in the more common definition of this acronym, don’t you? You naughty little boys. Of course you want to know about homemade fudge (Mother I’d Like Fudge). Well here’s something to get your juices flowing.
I jest of course. When I saw a tweet from Al Jazeera mentioning an article about ‘the leader of the MILF’, it caught my attention.
Once I stopped laughing, I clicked through to discover that an Islamist insurgent group has a rather unfortunate acronym in English. How could they not know about the more common definition – have they not seen American Pie? Continue reading
After bumming around in commission-only jobs since leaving university, I decided that it was about time for me to get a ‘proper’ job. The type with benefits and my own desk… And an uncomfortable headset connected to an automatic dialler.
I applied for a job with Retirement Insurance Advisory Services (RIAS), a company that specialises in insurance products for those who’ve lived life and have the wrinkles to prove it. That’s not their company slogan, by the way. I made the grade and started my training…
Three bloody weeks of it! Quite why they thought it necessary to take quite so long to bring the new recruits up to speed is beyond me. Especially when we were told in no uncertain terms that we had a tried-and-tested script to stick to. No deviation. In between never ending role play scenarios, I wondered if life really had to be quite so dull. Continue reading