Author Archives: Stewie

That’s Not My Name!

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There are few things more annoying than someone getting your name wrong. Sure, you may have an unusual name but, after the first time people hear it, there’s no reason to mis-spell poor Englebert’s name, is there? And we all know that there are several ways to spell Claire and at least two common ways to spell Steven. Likewise, Stewart can only be spelt in two ways, like the aforementioned, or as ‘Stuart’. That’s it.

Yet some people seem to have great difficulty with using the correct spelling. I even have friends who I’ve known for many years that just can’t seem to grasp the fact that my name is spelt the ‘Scottish way’, despite the fact that I’m English. My parents were Haggis lovers I think…

But all of this, although irritating, I can put up with. What bothers me much more is a fairly recent occurrence. Over the last few months, during my working week, people have started to refer to me as ‘Steward’ in emails. That’s not even a name, it’s an occupation. Continue reading →

An Ultra-Inspiration

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It’s fair to say that Dean Karnazes is a driven man. He regularly rises at 4am and runs a full marathon before heading in to work. He rarely misses a day’s running. Plus he still finds the time to fulfill his family responsibilities in the evenings. The man is an inspiration.

Having just read his compelling auto-biography Ultramarathon Man, I have found myself determined to get into shape. No excuses this time. If Karnazes can run several marathons per week, plus take part in several other outdoor sports, then I can at least commit to some serious excercise four times per week. And I have to push myself. No pain, no gain.

Karnazes started his obsession at a later age than most, having already established a good career and seemingly settled in wedded bliss. But it just didn’t seem enough for him. There had to be something more to life. It took the death of his sister to push him into running extreme distances.

Ultramarathons cover distances of at least 50km and sometimes stretch to several days of running, often in the most inhospitable conditions, such as in the heat of Death Valley at the Badwater event. Continue reading →

My Month of Prohibition

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At the start of the year, I decided to set myself a challenge: to forgo the pleasures of the demon drink for one full calendar month. The were several reasons for my self-imposed exile from bar street, namely to do with health, money, education and willpower. And if successful, I saw no reason that my little experiment couldn’t form the foundation of a permanent lifestyle change. But it would never herald a new teetotal me. That would just be going too far.

So the results are just in… I can confirm that no alcohol passed my lips for the full duration. Nor did I attempt to snort a line of vodka through my nostrils. I guess that counts as a successful test then, right? Well, sort of.

You see, in my mind, I kind of felt like I cheated a little. Not because I surreptitiously down a couple of shots when no-one was looking, but because from the first Friday night of the new year, I just knew that temptation would be too great if I went into a bar.  Continue reading →

My 0 Seconds of Fame

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So there I was, sitting, waiting for my appearance on the BBC’s Room 101, as described in a previous post, talking about my pet hate of nonsense business buzz words. Strangely I was feeling a little nervous. How hideous would I look and how monotone would my voice sound? Would it be obvious that I had a little prompt card in my hand? I didn’t think so, but anyway, it was necessary to have that card so that I didn’t clam up and make a fool of myself. This was going out to a national audience, after all.

But then as the half hour programme progressed, I started to wonder where my appearance would fit in. The main guests were on good form, as was the host Frank Skinner, as always. So each round lasted seven minutes or so. It must have been difficult to edit the quality content.

And then came make or break time. With seven minutes left, Frank announced what had to be the final round. It wasn’t the ‘audience round’. But luckily, it took less time than previous rounds. There was still time for my moment of glory! Continue reading →

The Girl With The Dragon Take Two

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This month has seen the release of yet another Hollywood remake, this time of the classic 2009 Swedish film The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. For the uninitiated, the plot is not, as you may think, a cautionary tale of a young Scandinavian girl who holidays in Goa and decides to get a cheap tattoo on her ankle whilst drunk, only to wake up the next day with what looks like elephantiasis. It is in fact a dark psychological thriller, with subtitles for those who don’t know their hurdy from their gurdy.

The remake stars Daniel Craig and Wayne Rooney Rooney Mara, and comes complete with English language script, naturally, and swanky website that has puzzling catchphrases that Yoda would be proud of, such as evil shall with evil be expelled, and what is hidden in snow, comes forth in the thaw. So, if you really can’t be bothered to read subtitles, then you can watch the new version and find out exactly what they hide in the snow. Continue reading →

One Month Off Booze

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I’ve never really been one for new year’s resolutions. Unless you have picked up some really anti-social habits in the previous 12 months such as chain-smoking, chewing khat or compulsive public masturbation, then I can’t see the point in starting a new year with a new ‘you’. And why wait for January if you want to make a lifestyle change?

But times have changed. To prove that I’m a hypocrite open to new ideas, I’ve decided to start the new year (well, from the 3rd actually) with a self-imposed ban on alcohol. And I can assure you that it has nothing to do with my recent trip to a Muslim country, where booze was harder to come by and expensive. Neither is it due to a worry that I have a drink problem. I don’t. 

I have, in fact, thought carefully about my reasons for taking on this challenge, and they are (in no particular order of importance): Continue reading →

The Prostitute and the Finger

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The Roman ruins at Volubilis

The second leg of our tour of Morocco continued with a gruelling seven hour taxi ride from the south up to Meknes. In Morocco they have two types of taxis. Petit taxis for the cities and grand taxis for longer journeys. Most of these big taxis are clapped-out old Mercedes that they seem to believe can seat seven in comfort. They can’t. Even a trip with just five of us was tough. Nothing of the luxury from the prime of these Mercedes’ lifetime remains. But at least the roads were half decent most of the way.

Meknes was one of the most pleasant towns in which we stayed, being smaller and more low-key (i.e. less hassle) than the more traditional tourist stops such as Marrakech. We were lucky that the nearest mosque to our riad had a call to prayer sang beautifully in the early morning. It certainly made a difference to the awful racket most of the others make. Continue reading →