Online Hating

I’m not a lover of online dating, having spent a few months (okay, a year) on one particular site (rhymes with ‘snatch’) with varying degrees of horror. But a friend convinced me to try another site (rhymes with ‘die stupid hen’) for a month and, after a quick look at the attractive ladies on the site, my instant reaction was that it had some potential (okay, ‘Little Stewie’ was doing the ‘thinking’ – my boxer shorts must’ve been too tight).

Think about it, online dating is doomed to failure. You spend an hour looking for half decent photos from five years ago, painstakingly writing a profile that ends up looking the same as everyone else’s. Then you exchange 50 messages, finding out that you both like to go out sometimes and stay in sometimes, and that you like travel, music and films.

I tried to make my profile stand out from the norm, stating that my interests were football, pulling funny faces in the gym, badger baiting, dwarf tossing (inter-continental) and stalking. I also admitted that this was my last effort at online dating and that, although I had hopes of success, I’m no George Pitt or Brad Clooney (who is?), so if it didn’t work I would admit defeat, paint lipstick on my right hand, call it Handolina Jolie and move to Alabama for a happy life with ‘her’. Surprisingly this made me quite popular.

If all the mundane messaging goes well, then it’s time to arrange interviews dates, which always have to be on the worst night of the week, when the bars are empty and devoid of atmosphere, when every lull in the conversation is tense, leading to desperate filler chat… Ooh, isn’t it cold? Yes. I much prefer it sunny and warm. Me too – we’ve got so much in common. God please take me now.

Is it any surprise that the poor man feels the pressure to be Mr Darcy, knowing that one false move will lead to his ‘date’ scurrying back to her PC post-date to message one of the 20 men he’s competing with!

Then there are the double standards. I had a photo rejected for being too distant. A close up shot? No-one needs to see that shit! Yet I saw girls’ photos with the subject wearing goggles, fancy dress wigs – one even wore a fake moustache! At least I hope it was fake. Another had a picture of a dog. Why? Because “He’s the most important man in my life.” Hmm…

I know a few meet their true love, but for the rest it’s a time consuming frustration. No-one is ever good enough with the temptation of other dates just a click away. What ever happened to just seeing how it goes? As long as there is some common ground, why not meet again and see if the attraction develops?

To show that I’m not bitter, I’d like to wish good luck to anyone who has found love in this way (see you online again next year?).

[Snatch refers to and die stupid hen refers to So now you know.]

22 thoughts on “Online Hating

  1. I was already married when the online dating thing started so I missed out on all the hillarity. It does not sound like fun, though!

  2. I enjoyed reading this. You are right about the dating online thing…though, I do have to say I met my husband that way and its been great. Good luck with the fame and fortune thing; I’m still trying to find one reader…*sigh*

  3. I agree with everything you’ve said. I tried the online dating thing on and off for a few years with no success. I ended up meeting my boyfriend in person, not from the internet. The way I see it, it’s more worthwhile to try and meet people through volunteering or taking interest classes rather than search online for dates, at least that way you’ll get something out of the time that you’re spending. On the other hand, I know several people who met online and got married so they must have done something right!

    • “The way I see it, it’s more worthwhile to try and meet people through volunteering or taking interest classes rather than search online for dates, at least that way you’ll get something out of the time that you’re spending.”

      In my experience with volunteering, a lot of what I do is dominated with women. The few guys (emphasis on few) at the organizations I volunteer at tend to be older, already paired off with someone, or gay. So I strike out in that sense.

      Dating truly is a crapshoot. Finding someone who’s attractive, nice, interesting, single and normal is not easy.

  4. Hahaha, I feel your pain! I can tell you now, it’s the sheer volume of available people (70% apparently are faking being single!) that makes the searcher, dare I say it, shallow. There is far too much choice hence the need to move on from one to another if the slightest thing isn’t ‘right’. God forbid if they ever have a problem in their relationship, move on and start again seems to be the modern thing to do. Whatever happened to sticking to one partner and working through your problems! Oops, I’m off on one again lol

    Thanks for the comment on my blog, that’s what I came to say! You’ve earned yourself another subscriber :0) As for Mr V, bigger isn’t always better you know! lol Who do I bill for dry cleaning, I choked on my orange juice and spilt it down my front at that comment lol

  5. I’ve never used any of those dating sites. I know there are people who swear by them, but I’ve heard too many horror stories. So, I’m just gonna pass on that. 🙂

  6. ha ha, year its a nightmare. People never look like the picture like they do in real life!

  7. Haha I really enjoyed this, because it is so true!

    I just moved to a new city and am using a dating site (rhymes with twenty of wish) to meet people – this has led to both very good and somewhat bizarre experiences which I’m now blogging about.

    While I write with a female audience in mind, it would be interesting to get a guy’s perspective (and if anything, seeing the weird stuff some guys have sent me might make you feel a little better about the mundane conversations).

  8. As someone who just contacted you on a dating site that rhymes with nothing I can think of…based on your profile which sounded like everyone else’s but caught my eye none-the-less… I was very disappointed to learn you had ‘not been active for two weeks’… but having just read your blog… now I understand why… 😉 Emily

    • I tried to make my profile less than serious. How many people claim that Ed Milliband is someone who has the most influence on their life?!

  9. Every other guy that’s on there said that… So… I see you checked me out, but still no word… What’s wrong with you?! I tried to make my profile stand out, I used a picture of someone else and everything! Still no luck… 😀

  10. “What ever happened to just seeing how it goes?” – well, yeah…but for that you have to actually meet someone first, and online at least provides greater/more efficient opportunity than barhopping and whatnot.
    I do think putting together the perfect profile is tricky. On the one hand, you [anyone] probably the best chance of finding your perfect mate if you’re 100% honest about yourself, let your freak fly etc. On the other hand, how many people wont be scared off by that freak? What if everyone is? Once again, food for thought… (damn, your blog is making me all introspective, on a Friday night, at that!)

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