Bin Laden loved yoga

More than a week has passed since the apparent ‘assassination’ of Osama Bin Laden on the command of Barrack Obama and, as the days passed and more information came to light, it gave us all the chance to fully digest the implications of such an act of revenge.

Most puzzling of all, is the inability of the American hierarchy to have an agreed story of exactly how events unfolded. First there were reports of a firefight, during which courageous special forces stormed the building and shot Bin Laden as he was reaching for a gun whilst shielding himself with his wife. Now it turns out that he was unarmed and that his wife was making a run towards the special forces (or perhaps for the door) and only one of Bin Laden’s party was actually firing a weapon.

Whatever, despite the inevitable conspiracy theories, it does now seem to be undisputed by those in the know, including Al Qaeda, that the figurehead of the 9/11 attacks is no more, which is the biggest loss to the worldwide beard community since the wacky Joaquim Phoenix sobered up and remembered where he’d put the razor.

Bin Laden was of course, cunningly hiding in an inconspicuous luxury compound complete with 18 ft high walls and top of the range rubbish burning area, barely noticeable amongst the nearby one story shacks. I say ‘luxury’, yet it was just a series of sheds that were stuck together, and the sparse conditions inside were less Belgravia and more Belmarsh. Did you see those soiled mattresses? Where were the sheets? Maybe it was a case of mistaken identity. They actually shot Osama Bin Linen… Although, compared to the caves of Tora Bora, I guess it wasn’t so bad. Those cave walls ruined TV reception and there was no postal delivery. At least in Pakistan he could watch Aljazeera and keep up to date with his Jihad Monthly subscription.

Obviously Bin Laden was popular amongst Muslim hardliners, who felt that he really put the ‘fun’ into fundamentalism, and hated amongst the ‘infidels’ of the West, who demonstrated their feelings about the death with spontaneous street parties in Washington and New York. The Archbishop of Canterbury, the man with plumage instead of eyebrows who recently married the happy couple in The Royal Wedding TM, said he felt uncomfortable with such scenes of celebration, which were premature in his opinion. He has a point. Even if Bin Laden was the sole mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks, he must have been just one part of a hierarchy of command in Al Qaeda. And we still haven’t been presented with clear evidence of his involvement.

Like any organisation that loses it’s leader, there will always be someone willing to step up to the top job. A man with first-hand experience of jihad, one who is clever and charismatic and who hates non-believers. A man with beard-appeal. Revenge attacks have been threatened. And so the cycle continues. But don’t worry, the US and UK governments have issued warnings to citizens abroad: avoid crowded areas that may become targets. Thanks for that, I feel safer already.

Personally, I agree with the Arch Plumage, and I would have preferred Bin Laden to be captured alive, put on trial in The Hague and left to rot in jail. Preferably sharing a cell with a 6’6 transsexual body builder called Bunny. I’m sure they would have got on well. Killing Bin Laden, thereby making him a martyr, will surely just help to fan the flames of extremism and recruit more impressionable young men who are willing to die for the cause. And for the 50 virgins in heaven, no doubt. Yeah, they really have selfless motives, don’t they?