Online Hating

I’m not a lover of online dating, having spent a few months (okay, a year) on one particular site (rhymes with ‘snatch’) with varying degrees of horror. But a friend convinced me to try another site (rhymes with ‘die stupid hen’) for a month and, after a quick look at the attractive ladies on the site, my instant reaction was that it had some potential (okay, ‘Little Stewie’ was doing the ‘thinking’ – my boxer shorts must’ve been too tight).

Think about it, online dating is doomed to failure. You spend an hour looking for half decent photos from five years ago, painstakingly writing a profile that ends up looking the same as everyone else’s. Then you exchange 50 messages, finding out that you both like to go out sometimes and stay in sometimes, and that you like travel, music and films.

I tried to make my profile stand out from the norm, stating that my interests were football, pulling funny faces in the gym, badger baiting, dwarf tossing (inter-continental) and stalking. Continue reading

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Foot In Mouth Disease

Before the more curious among you wonder if this is a post about a hideous growth deformity, have no fear; I assure you that it isn’t. It is merely social commentary on the unfortunate habit that many of us have experienced of saying the wrong thing in our myriad of social interactions.

As a single man negotiating the pitfalls of London’s dating and bar scene, I have learned that sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all, than feel obliged to say something to cover an uncomfortable silence. It isn’t necessary to chat constantly without pause. Unless perhaps you are a horse racing commentator.

My main ‘partner in pulling’ the ladies (or not)  is a mathematician, who by his own admittance spends his days in academic geekdom and is something like an uncaged Tasmanian devil when freed from the formulas, bouncing enthusiastically between girls with the impatience of a speed freak in the toilet queue; frequently to be heard saying: “I’m not getting anywhere, she’s hard to talk to”. After five minutes. Continue reading

News Just In… Hell Is Real!

So that’s what cabbies mean when they say
they don’t want to go ‘south’ of the river

My twice-weekly trip to university includes a short walk across London Bridge for a connecting train, which allows me the chance to take in the sights. The nearby historic Tower Bridge, the modern skyscrapers of the City of London…. homeless beggars, traffic congestion and a strange little Asian man who hands out free newspapers with a persistent inane grin. Just what the hell has he got to be so happy about?

Nothing really changes. Except one day this week, when a rather large black man obstructed my path, looked me square in the eye, and shouted “REPENT!” Well now, did he see me pretend not to notice the charity collectors outside the station? Surely not.

“HELL IS REAL!” Yes, I know that. I’ve been to Delhi. “HEAVEN IS REAL. TIME IS RUNNING OUT!” Yes, I’m aware of the famous gay nightclub, but I’m not interested in any promotion big boy. I’m sorry but I don’t bat for that team.

“JEEESUS IS WATCHING YOU!” Oh, I get you. You’re not Apostle Jack are you? Continue reading

A Discussion With A Prophet Of God

One of Apostle Jack’s paintings

Recently I had the good fortune to encounter a self-proclaimed messenger of God on the WordPress forum, who had submitted several posts in an effort to publicise his mission. He urged me to visit his blog for an in depth discussion. Who am I to turn down such a glorious opportunity? I dusted down the cape, visited his blog and read this post ‘The Last One’:

I am the LAST of the MAJOR CELESTIAL SPIRITS OF THE ALMIGHTY’S ETERNAL GODHEAD that was chosen and appointed by Him to come forth to receive:”The Passing of the Staff”.

The Passing of the Staff is a Biblical order of the next in line system,of which system is a lenage that the Almighty arranged for certain Major Spirits to come forth IN TURN,and at the TIME APPOINTED to FULFILL…to UVEIL…and to PROPHESY.

After which presentation and purpose thereof have been fulfill the staff is then in readiness to be pass to the next in line.Of which Major Celestial Spirits arranged and appointed by THE ALMIGHTY I am the next and THE LAST ONE that was chosen , appointed,and PREDESTINATED by Him TO COME FORTH TO THE WORLD.” Continue reading

Brand Cyberstalking

Yes, that lingerie would fit you perfectly

Ever looked at goods or services online but decided not to buy at that moment in time? Of course you have. Perhaps you thought that you would like more time to consider your options or check your finances. Maybe you just didn’t like the products available. But wasn’t it strange that when you checked the latest news stories, it just so happened that the very same retailer was advertising on that site? What a coincidence.

The following day, you check out the online weather forecast and the latest sports results. And the same ad is on those sites too! Wow, that company must be really doing well, they have so much money to invest in blanket advertising campaigns, mustn’t they?

Well, no, they probably don’t. What you have experienced is known as ‘behavioural re-targeting’. As you have shown some initial interest in brands by visiting their websites, they know that it takes, on average, seven contacts with a customer before a purchase is made, and believe that it’s perfectly reasonable to follow you around the internet, serving their ads multiple times in a rampant display of overkill, designed to encourage purchases by napalm advertising. Continue reading

Natalya The Stripper (part 2)

Peek-a-boo!

The second installment of emails from Natalya the online scammer and my online alias of Duke Marmaduke. This won’t really make much sense if you haven’t read part one, so read it here before reading part two.

from: hotgirl5x@yahoo.com
to: stewiewordpress
11 April

Hello my lovely Duke!!!!!

I’m happy to receive a letter from you! I miss your letters and your words. And if it happens that i don’t find any new letters from you, i open your previous letters and read them again. So can you, write to me so often as you can? Just take a minute and write me a line or two. Continue reading

Natalya The Stripper (part 1)

Natalya, looking sweet and lovely

Ever wondered how long it would take for an internet dating scammer to get to the the request for money, and how they would fashion a believable story? I have. So after one such email made it through our ‘tough’ security at work and straight into my inbox [!], I assumed the identity of a reserved English Duke to find out. Some emails are edited as they were longer than a snake on a bungee jump.

from: hotgirl5x@yahoo.com
to: stewiewordpress
28 March

Howdy, i am Natalya and i want to talk with you! I found your e-mail thru a dating site so i thought, why don’t i give it a try 😉 I want to to find a good buddy, a man, maybe a lover.

yep, i used to talk about love and erotic themes straightly Continue reading