Author Archives: Stewie

The Badly Stuffed Sausage Cycle Ride

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"I just don't have enough natural padding."

“I just don’t have enough natural padding.”

A recent weekend saw evidence of the Olympic legacy, when over 50,000 cyclists took to the closed-off roads to haphazardly weave their way around an 8 mile circuit in central London. All ages and abilities were present, from kamikaze youngsters seemingly oblivious to the dangers of suddenly veering off in unpredictable directions, to pensioners, seemingly oblivious to the effect that their choice of tight-fitting clothing had on the sensibilities of the following cyclists.

And it wasn’t just the elderly who made poor fashion choices. Several overweight cyclists also felt the need to attempt to stuff their frames into brightly coloured lycra. They looked like radioactive badly stuffed sausages. The bottleneck at The Mall presented everyone with an unwanted opportunity for lingering views of the offending outfits. So why do they do it? Continue reading →

Someone Leaves His Card in the ATM. What Would You Do?

by in That's Life! and tagged , | 10 Comments

downloadThe ATM was beeping when I approached it. DO YOU NEED MORE TIME? Er, well no, I haven’t even taken my card from my wallet. Then I realised that there was already a card inside the machine, even though there was no-one around. Someone must have checked his/her balance and rushed off in a hurry, absent-mindedly leaving the card in the machine. I had full access to someone’s bank account! What would you do in this situation?

For me it was simple. I pressed the ‘no’ option and the card ejected. I went straight into the bank to hand it in to the clerk. I’m not a thief. I then went back outside and took my own money, out of my own account. It’s not as though I didn’t need the money; I wasn’t exactly flush.

When I arrived at work, I told my colleagues about what had happened, expecting nods of approval and pats on the back for doing the right thing. It’s not as though I did it to gain approval, but I know that there are people in this world who would take advantage of such a situation.

Continue reading →

Another Stupid Baby Name?!

by in Newsworthy and tagged , | 6 Comments

downloadYou must all have been exposed to the hilarity that was caused recently upon hearing the ‘news’ that Kanye West had chosen to call his baby North West, because it’s the highest point in the parents’ relationship and, well, it just doesn’t get any higher than ‘north’, does it? Quite right. Except that the child’s full name is North West, so it’s just ever so slightly skew-whiff of north, if we’re being pedantic. And we are Kanye, we most certainly are.http://wordpress.com/wp-includes/js/tinymce/plugins/wordpress/img/trans.gif

So this got me thinking about other ridiculous and ill-thought baby names from parents who seem unable to grasp the concept that their baby will grow up to become an adult who is bitter and resentful at being named with such disregard for their feelings.

Of course there are other well-publicised celebrity baby name disasters, which I’ve noticed often fall in particular categories. There are those named after favourite fruit – Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow/Chris Martin) and Peaches (Bob Geldoff); those with lunar obsessions – Moonunit (Frank Zappa) and Sage Moonblood (Sylvester Stallone); the place conceived (perhaps?) – Brooklyn (Beckham) and Egypt (Alicia Keys); and the just downright weird – Pilot Inspektor (actor Jason Lee) and Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette). My personal favourite name is Neville Neville (father of footballers Gary and Phil Neville). Not really a celebrity, but so good, they named him twice… possibly.

Continue reading →

Hello. Is There Anybody Out There?

by in That's Life! and tagged , | 18 Comments

rsz_1rsz_flower-under-night-sky-wallpaperJust recently I wondered exactly how many of my subscribers did read my posts. Whilst it seems as though I’ve been building a loyal reader base over the last few years, how true is that? Clearly I have no realistic way of finding out if my email subscribers are still opening emails and clicking through to read. Unless I sent them a rather pathetic, lonely message, asking if they still loved me.

What I could do (and did), is check if my WordPress subscribers still exist. That is, whether they still use their blogs or not. If they don’t, then they are unlikely to be checking back here to see if I’m still alive. I also left a few comments, to see if any reciprocate.

What I found is that 22% of subscriber blogs no longer exist and 46% have no posts within the last month, with many showing much longer breaks in publishing posts. I guess that this is hardly surprising, given the expected rate of attrition for new blogs. Most last less than a few months. Continue reading →

I Get A Psychic Reading

by in Spam Fighting and tagged , , | 11 Comments

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Recently I challenged an online psychic to give me a reading. Here it is, and remember, this woman was recommended on an online forum, so surely she should be accurate, right? Hmm… let’s see.

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Firstly, I would say that I feel you spending a lot of time at the computer [No shit, who doesn’t these days?]. Very much as if it is your own world. I would like to see you interacting face-to-face with people as this will definitely benefit you and also balance you. I feel that this time at the computer is a form of escapism [It’s mostly for work] which is good, but only in small doses.

We briefly discussed your flatmate, I feel he has a lot of negativity [No he doesn’t] but also suppressed rage [He’s a laid-back Norwegian] to do with his parents and his relationship with his father seems to be very complicated [He is on good terms with his Dad]. I almost have the sense they did not know each other very well [Your ‘sense’ is wrong]. Continue reading →

I Talk To A Psychic

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Capture

I’ve got absolutely no time for fortune tellers, psychics or whatever they want to call themselves. There is absolutely no evidence to back up their ludicrous claims and most simply prey on the vulnerable. To me they do nothing but fill the world with ‘spam’ by giving false hope. But, as I’m a hypocrite and willing to give anything a try once, I contacted one that had been recommended online.

Sent: 07/05/2013
To: suneet@divinesouls.co.uk
From: Stewie
Subject: Email reading

Hi Clairvoyant

I saw your contact details listed on the forum of Sofeminine.co.uk – obviously I’m not feminine but I’m in touch with my feminine side. Nothing wrong with that. I’m not embarrassed.

It’s perfectly normal. Lots of men are like that. Anyway, I was wondering about the logistics of your email sessions. Do you charge £25 for the whole email correspondence, as if it was a long conversation? Or would it simply be one email from you and that’s it? No replies allowed, no dialogue. Which would be very expensive!

I look forward to your reply.

Thanks

Stewie Continue reading →

Epic LinkedIn.com Fails

by in Random Rants and tagged , , | 4 Comments

DS

A picture paints a thousand words, apparently. So just look at these classic profiles on the business network LinkedIn.com and wonder how it is that these people thought that it could ever be a good idea to portray themselves to potential business contacts in such unusual ways, leaving you ultimately lost for words to express your feelings.

Step forward Mr Scott, the self-proclaimed ‘Founder Potential’, whatever that means. His role ‘is to advise, laugh, argue with people’. His first job was being Mickey Mouse for Walt Disney. Who are we to disagree? FAIL!

Continue reading →