It was a run-of-the-mill housewarming party. A female friend of mine had moved into a house with a girl who she knew and a guy that had answered their ad. He quite possibly didn’t know what he was getting himself into and quite probably thought that he may get lucky with one of his new housemates at some point. Well, you never know.

You see, my friend had met her new female housemate on an adults-only website, for those interested in… er, less mainstream sexual practices. Quite early into their new living arrangement, the male housemate had woken up one morning to find a man tied up naked on the landing floor. Apparently, if he continued to be a good boy, he may even have been allowed to sleep at the end of her bed next time. Weirdo.

So I guess that I should have realised that some of the other guests at the party may have been into sexually deviant behaviour as well. But I hadn’t thought about it to be truthful; I was just having fun drinking and catching up with friends.

An early indication of what lay ahead occurred when a guy I’d met managed to attract the interest of the hot twenty-something housemate and looked set for a happy ending. Well, he was DJing and he did have a nice hat. Tre cool. As he was led upstairs I couldn’t help but feel pangs of jealousy sweeping through me. He was surely in for a great time!

Well, actually, no he wasn’t. It turns out that things didn’t quite go to plan and he was back downstairs spinning discs within 15 minutes. She had tied him up and played the dominatrix card, much to his frustration. Then something distracted her; possibly someone jangled a bunch of keys, and she lost interest. Oh well, better than nothing.

The night continued with a noticeable ‘us’ and ‘them’ divide. My friends were having difficulty finding common ground with many of the other party goers, who were getting progressively more wasted. Then from out of the darkness, a girl beckoned to me with ‘come hither’ eyes. Taken aback, I thought that she must be mistaken. I hadn’t even spoken to the girl. But no, she really did want me to follow her upstairs!

Well… I thought, not really my style but ‘why not?’ and let her lead me to heaven. Or so I thought. Still not having even asked her name, I figured that there was only one thing on her mind and made the first move when we entered a bedroom. She nearly sucked my tongue out of my mouth. Okay, avoid kissing, I thought. But I’m sure such skills can be put to use elsewhere…

She took my t-shirt off and started kissing my chest, progressively biting harder. Easy girl! Then she went in for another kiss, this time without tongues as I was worried about losing mine, but then she bit my bottom lip! Ouch! ”Oh that’s nothing” she asserted unconvincingly. I could feel a slight swelling which said otherwise.

I was starting to wonder what I had got myself into by this point. But still we continued in our tortuous embrace. She really had a strange way of showing affection. She went in for my nipples again, this time pulling one and twisting it like she was trying to tune in the BBC World Service on Long Wave. Upon yet more complaints from me, she didn’t try to hide her disdain: “Really, I’m barely touching you, I can be much rougher than this – it’s nothing!”

By this point I felt like I was being assaulted. Why had I followed this freak? Oh, yes, because I was drunk and it seemed like an easy score, which rarely happens to me. Luckily, after one last bite of my nipple, she grew tired of my complaints. “We can stop this if you like?” Okay then! I couldn’t put my clothing back on quick enough as she looked humiliated. Well, what did she expect? She must have encountered similar protestations from men before, surely?

I returned to the lounge, suddenly finding amusement in the absurdity of what had just happened to me. I had to tell my friends what just occurred, I just had to. I tried to hide what I was saying, but the girl obviously knew it. She started to down port, of all things… straight from the bottle. A highly stable character, she wasn’t.

Come Monday morning I arrived at my office and was asked how my weekend was. “I was sexually assaulted by a girl” I said, much to their bemusement, showing them my bottom lip, which by now had an ugly purple blister that had swollen up. Naturally they had to know more so I filled them in on events. Well, it’s not every day that I meet a girl who wants to hurt me physically!