Category Archives: All Time Top Posts

Don’t Touch The Strippers

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Porsche found Easyjet’s economy seats tended to stiffen her up

Some time ago, I was working for a sales team that promoted businesses through privilege cards; schemes that allowed users special discounts on services. One of our best campaigns was for several bars and a strip club in Bournemouth. There were numerous 2 for 1 drink vouchers and free entry to the strip club. Needless to say, several of these cards were claimed by team members for their own personal use via the unofficial staff five-finger discount scheme. Consequently, after work drinks inevitably involved unlimited half price drinks followed by the company of ‘exotic’ dancers.

I hate strip clubs, but if there is free entry then I can be persuaded to follow the crowd. Continue reading →

Brand Cyberstalking

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Yes, that lingerie would fit you perfectly

Ever looked at goods or services online but decided not to buy at that moment in time? Of course you have. Perhaps you thought that you would like more time to consider your options or check your finances. Maybe you just didn’t like the products available. But wasn’t it strange that when you checked the latest news stories, it just so happened that the very same retailer was advertising on that site? What a coincidence.

The following day, you check out the online weather forecast and the latest sports results. And the same ad is on those sites too! Wow, that company must be really doing well, they have so much money to invest in blanket advertising campaigns, mustn’t they?

Well, no, they probably don’t. What you have experienced is known as ‘behavioural re-targeting’. As you have shown some initial interest in brands by visiting their websites, they know that it takes, on average, seven contacts with a customer before a purchase is made, and believe that it’s perfectly reasonable to follow you around the internet, serving their ads multiple times in a rampant display of overkill, designed to encourage purchases by napalm advertising. Continue reading →

The Girl With The Dragon Take Two

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This month has seen the release of yet another Hollywood remake, this time of the classic 2009 Swedish film The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. For the uninitiated, the plot is not, as you may think, a cautionary tale of a young Scandinavian girl who holidays in Goa and decides to get a cheap tattoo on her ankle whilst drunk, only to wake up the next day with what looks like elephantiasis. It is in fact a dark psychological thriller, with subtitles for those who don’t know their hurdy from their gurdy.

The remake stars Daniel Craig and Wayne Rooney Rooney Mara, and comes complete with English language script, naturally, and swanky website that has puzzling catchphrases that Yoda would be proud of, such as evil shall with evil be expelled, and what is hidden in snow, comes forth in the thaw. So, if you really can’t be bothered to read subtitles, then you can watch the new version and find out exactly what they hide in the snow. Continue reading →

News Just In… Hell Is Real!

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So that’s what cabbies mean when they say
they don’t want to go ‘south’ of the river

My twice-weekly trip to university includes a short walk across London Bridge for a connecting train, which allows me the chance to take in the sights. The nearby historic Tower Bridge, the modern skyscrapers of the City of London…. homeless beggars, traffic congestion and a strange little Asian man who hands out free newspapers with a persistent inane grin. Just what the hell has he got to be so happy about?

Nothing really changes. Except one day this week, when a rather large black man obstructed my path, looked me square in the eye, and shouted “REPENT!” Well now, did he see me pretend not to notice the charity collectors outside the station? Surely not.

“HELL IS REAL!” Yes, I know that. I’ve been to Delhi. “HEAVEN IS REAL. TIME IS RUNNING OUT!” Yes, I’m aware of the famous gay nightclub, but I’m not interested in any promotion big boy. I’m sorry but I don’t bat for that team.

“JEEESUS IS WATCHING YOU!” Oh, I get you. You’re not Apostle Jack are you? Continue reading →

A Crabby Old Fart

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome an interview with a star of the blogging community; the comic genius that is the self-styled Crabby Old Fart who has polarised public opinion discussing ‘The Problem With Young People Today…’

What would you like me to call you – Don, Donald, Crabby Old Fart or Mr Mills?

I’d prefer you didn’t call me – I like to keep my line free for emergencies. I try to limit my use of the telephone to testing 911 response times for police and ambulance. It may sound like an abuse of the system but I feel I have a right to know if an emergency responder is likely to arrive at my house 5 minutes or 45 minutes after my pacemaker goes on the fritz.

But I digress.

I’ve actually addressed this in my comment policy – primarily because I was growing weary of young people referring to me as “pappy” or “f u old dude.”  Here is a small portion of relevant section. Next time, I’d ask that you do your damned homework before sending me these kinds of questions. Continue reading →

A Discussion With A Prophet Of God

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One of Apostle Jack’s paintings

Recently I had the good fortune to encounter a self-proclaimed messenger of God on the WordPress forum, who had submitted several posts in an effort to publicise his mission. He urged me to visit his blog for an in depth discussion. Who am I to turn down such a glorious opportunity? I dusted down the cape, visited his blog and read this post ‘The Last One’:

“I am the LAST of the MAJOR CELESTIAL SPIRITS OF THE ALMIGHTY’S ETERNAL GODHEAD that was chosen and appointed by Him to come forth to receive:”The Passing of the Staff”.

The Passing of the Staff is a Biblical order of the next in line system,of which system is a lenage that the Almighty arranged for certain Major Spirits to come forth IN TURN,and at the TIME APPOINTED to FULFILL…to UVEIL…and to PROPHESY.

After which presentation and purpose thereof have been fulfill the staff is then in readiness to be pass to the next in line.Of which Major Celestial Spirits arranged and appointed by THE ALMIGHTY I am the next and THE LAST ONE that was chosen , appointed,and PREDESTINATED by Him TO COME FORTH TO THE WORLD.” Continue reading →

Foot In Mouth Disease

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Before the more curious among you wonder if this is a post about a hideous growth deformity, have no fear; I assure you that it isn’t. It is merely social commentary on the unfortunate habit that many of us have experienced of saying the wrong thing in our myriad of social interactions.

As a single man negotiating the pitfalls of London’s dating and bar scene, I have learned that sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all, than feel obliged to say something to cover an uncomfortable silence. It isn’t necessary to chat constantly without pause. Unless perhaps you are a horse racing commentator.

My main ‘partner in pulling’ the ladies (or not)  is a mathematician, who by his own admittance spends his days in academic geekdom and is something like an uncaged Tasmanian devil when freed from the formulas, bouncing enthusiastically between girls with the impatience of a speed freak in the toilet queue; frequently to be heard saying: “I’m not getting anywhere, she’s hard to talk to”. After five minutes. Continue reading →